shutting down/consolidating

After much thought, I am going to shut down this blog. I basically blog in too many places, but I just copy and paste what I have to say so really it's just an exercise in wasting time. If you would like to keep reading what I have to say, please come find me at wordpress, Thoughts and Confessions of a Girl who Loves Jesus.

I really like wordpress and I spend way too much time on the internet, so I hope this will get me off the computer that much quicker. Thanks and I hope to see you there :-)

What's in a number?

Ever since I started blogging on the internet back in 2000, I have been obsessed with numbers. I have been obsessed more than some folks and less than others. I mean some people are so obsessed with numbers that they write a million blog posts a day just to get traffic to their pages and even write posts about the fact they are angry about others overtaking them in the stats department? Okay, I am not that obsessed! So, as you all know, I am finishing a job soon and I got quite obsessed with counting down the days until I was done. Well, a couple of weeks ago it hit me that I shouldn't be counting down days. I'm not really sure where this thought came from? I just felt really convicted to stop counting. Since then, I've been in the book of Samuel and the Lord is really explicit about his dislike of numbering things. I mean, David sends Joab out to number the armies and Joab asks him why he wants to aggravate the Lord in this manner? The result of his numbering, which took a full 9 months, was a plague that killed 70,000 people! Then I remembered I wrote in a recent blog about dreaming I should read the book of James. This verse jumped out at me again and spoke to me:

James 4

13Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— 14yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. 15Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” 16As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. 17 So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

It occurred to me who am I to say how many days I have until I move on to the next thing or finish the current thing? I really think counting days was sinfully arrogant on my part and I would just like to thank the Lord for convicting me to stop. Who am I? I am a girl who loves Jesus. I want what he wants. :)

Everyday ordinary miracles

I was reading today's devotional and it was talking about giving glory to God. Let's face it, everything we have we have thanks to Him. Every blessing, every good thing comes from above. I was at work yesterday evening when I got a call from G, my 16 year old, asking me to pick him up from his friend's house. I said, "I can't pick you up now, I'm working! You know I'm working." He said, "But I crashed a go-cart into a car and I think I need to go to the hospital." Only this child would start a conversation backwards like that. To make a long story short, he wasn't familiar with the go-cart and hit the gas when he thought he was hitting the breaks and ran head first into a parked car. This go-cart has a top speed of 45 mph. G said he was going really fast and thought he was going to die! Thank God he was wearing a helmet because his head hit the car so hard his friend thought he broke his neck! He walked away with bruised ribs, a bruised right forearm, and a bruised left shoulder. Who but God alone gets the glory for this act of mercy!? G knows it is by the grace of God he isn't dead. All the glory and adoration and love and worship and gratitude go the the Lord! He is exalted! He is lifted up! He is the maker of heaven and earth! He is the miracle maker! He saved my son! Thank you Jesus!!! I love you!!!

The Pocket Testament League

I get this devotional Monday through Fridays. It's really good :)

Day 150: It Would Be So Much Easier To Just Open The Door

Acts 12:13-15

Peter knocked at the outer entrance, and a servant girl named Rhoda came to answer the door. When she recognized Peter's voice, she was so overjoyed she ran back without opening it and exclaimed, "Peter is at the door!" "You're out of your mind," they told her. When she kept insisting that it was so, they said, "It must be his angel."

Thoughts for Today:

Not long ago I was playing golf with Pastor Ty. We generally play as a twosome, as it gives us time to talk with each other and whoever God chooses to place in our group. On this particular day, we were joined by a guy in his early thirties who was married, and had two children (they attended an Episcopal preschool). As the conversation turned to what church he was attending, he stammered a bit because by now he knew Ty was a preacher. He answered by saying his family was Jewish, but his wife was Episcopalian. Ty then asked what I thought was a really good question, "Is she a Christian?" He thought about that for a minute, and then said in all seriousness, "I'm not sure I know what it means to be a Christian." Our new friend did not play very good golf the rest of the day, but by the time we finished, he had a much better idea of the person and identity of Jesus.

Our friend asked some really good questions that day, and perhaps the best one was, "Okay I understand who you say Jesus is, but why and how do I believe?" If my daughter asked me "Why do I have to clean my room?" Sometimes I will get tired of explaining and go into my Dad-mode and just say, "Because I say so." That wasn't going to work with this guy, yet that is basically how a lot of Christians answer this question. As I read our passage today I thought about our friend's questions, you see Jesus was standing knocking at his door just like Peter. Rather than opening the door, instead our friend was running to other people looking for answers (as was the servant girl). We were just the last in a long list. I finally told him that he wouldn't find his answers from other people -- the answer would come from Jesus Himself -- from his own personal experience. All he needed was enough faith and belief to grab the handle of the door and open it. Jesus would do the rest. I thought about myself when I said this. I certainly have let Jesus into my life (my house), but have I let Him in every room?

Questions to Ponder:

How long has it been since you opened the door to Jesus? Have you let Him into every room of your house? Is there an area you keep Him out of? Is He in all of your friendships, relationships, at work, in your car, and in your marriage? In what area of your life is Jesus not present? Will you invite Him into that area now?

Things I read today

2 Samuel 20:12

12And Amasa lay wallowing in his blood in the highway. And anyone who came by, seeing him, stopped. And when the man saw that all the people stopped, he carried Amasa out of the highway into the field and threw a garment over him.

Even back then, men had a fascination with the traumatic.

2 Samuel 20:14-22

14And Sheba passed through all the tribes of Israel to Abel of Beth-maacah, and all the Bichrites assembled and followed him in. 15And all the men who were with Joab came and besieged him in Abel of Beth-maacah. They cast up a mound against the city, and it stood against the rampart, and they were battering the wall to throw it down. 16Then a wise woman called from the city, "Listen! Listen! Tell Joab, 'Come here, that I may speak to you.'" 17And he came near her, and the woman said, "Are you Joab?" He answered, "I am." Then she said to him, "Listen to the words of your servant." And he answered, "I am listening." 18Then she said, "They used to say in former times, 'Let them but ask counsel at Abel,' and so they settled a matter. 19I am one of those who are peaceable and faithful in Israel. You seek to destroy a city that is a mother in Israel. Why will you swallow up the heritage of the LORD?" 20Joab answered, "Far be it from me, far be it, that I should swallow up or destroy! 21That is not true. But a man of 22Then the woman went to all the people in her wisdom. And they cut off the head of Sheba the son of Bichri and threw it out to Joab. So he blew the trumpet, and they dispersed from the city, every man to his home. And Joab returned to Jerusalem to the king.

I pray for this much wisdom.

2 Samuel 22:2-3
"The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
3 my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield, and the horn of my salvation,
my stronghold and my refuge,
my savior; you save me from violence.

I am always amazed by how much God loves me.

2 Samuel 22:29

29 For you are my lamp, O LORD,
and my God lightens my darkness.

If I follow Him, He will light my way.

Psalm 121

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.

3He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
4Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5The LORD is your keeper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
8The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.

No one can possibly keep me safer!

1 Timothy 1:12-16

12 I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, 13 though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, 14 and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 15 The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. 16 But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life.

My life changed dramatically because of Christ and I love Him more than words can ever say!

1 Timothy 2:1-6

1 First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, 2 for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. 3 This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, 4 who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. 5 For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, 6 who gave himself as a ransom for all, which is the testimony given at the proper time.

This is such an exhortation to share the Gospel because the Lord desires all people to be saved! What are you reading?

How do you live?

I get A Slice of Infinity sent to my email everyday. It is one of the most thought provoking devotionals I know of. The following was written by Ravi Zacharias and it's funny, but when I hit the tag surfer button, I do get a lot of blogs full of skepticism based on how Christians are viewed, people not "buying Christianity" because of all the hypocricy they see. This is really something to contemplate :

05/15/08
The Apologetic of the Apologist
Ravi Zacharias

A starting point for taking on the responsibility of the work of Christian
apologetics is recognizing the role that living out a disciplined
Christian life plays. Even a brief examination of the Scriptures reveals
this striking imperative: one may not divorce the content of apologetics
from the character of the apologist. Apologetics derives from the
Greek word apologia, "to give an answer." 1 Peter 3:15 gives us
the defining statement: "But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.
Always be prepared to give an answer (apologia) to everyone who
asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with
gentleness and respect."

I have always found this to be such a fascinating verse because the
apostle Peter, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, knew the hazards
and the risks of being an answer-bearer to the sincere questions that
people would pose of the gospel. Indeed, when one contrasts the answers
of Jesus to any of his detractors, it is not hard to see that their
resistance is not of the mind but rather of the heart. Furthermore, I
have little doubt that the single greatest obstacle to the impact of the
gospel has not been its inability to provide answers, but the failure on
our part to live it out. The Irish evangelist Gypsy Smith once said,
"There are five Gospels: Matthew Mark, Luke, John, and the Christian, and
some people will never read the first four." In other words, apologetics
is often first seen before it is heard.

For that very reason the Scriptures give us a clear picture of the
apologetic Christian: one who has first set apart Christ in his or her
heart as Lord, and then responds with answers to the questioner with
gentleness and respect. Therefore, one must not overlook the stark
reality that the way one's life is lived out will determine the impact
upon the skeptic. There are few obstacles to faith as serious as
expounding the unlived life. Too many skeptics see the quality of one's
life and firmly believe that it is all theory, bearing no supernatural
component.
I remember well in the early days of my Christian faith talking to a
Hindu. He was questioning the strident claims of the followers of Christ
as being something supernatural. He absolutely insisted "conversion was
nothing more than a decision to lead a more ethical life and that in most
cases it was not any different to those claims of other 'ethical'
religions." So far, his argument was not anything new.
But then he said something that I have never forgotten, and often reflect
upon: "If this conversion is truly supernatural, why is it not more
evident in the lives of so many Christians that I know?" His question is
a troublesome one. After all, no Buddhist claims a supernatural life but
frequently lives a more consistent one. The same pertains to many of
other faiths. Yet, how often the so-called Christian, even while
proclaiming some of the loftiest truths one could ever express, lives a
life bereft of that beauty and character.

This call to a life reflecting the person of Christ is the ultimate
calling upon the apologist. The skeptic is not slow to notice when there
is a disparity, and because of that, may question the whole gospel in its
supernatural claim. Yet when they are met with gentleness and respect, we
will help meet the deepest longings of the heart and mind, and they will
find where true discovery lies. Let us live so accordingly.

Blessed! What about those tattoos?

I was recently reading stuff around the blogosphere and came to this article about Christians and tattoos. I found it last night and I was too tired to respond at that moment, but I responded today. Here is my response:

Hi, I wanted to thank you for taking the subject of tattoos on from a fairly non-judgmental way. Speaking from a tattooed perspective, I have many tattoos, 99% of which I got before Christ. I have gotten 3 tattoos since, one to mark the occasion of my salvation, and two to change old tattoos that had little meaning into scripture references. I don't just run out and get tattooed anymore because the desire is mostly gone. While I agree that God said in Leviticus 19:28 not to tattoo the body, I live by the gift of grace from God, not by the condemnation of the law. I was attacked by the enemy a lot for my tattoos. He tried very hard to get me to see I couldn't possibly be a Christian because of them. It was a battle that went on in my mind for probably the first year of being a Christian, until the day that God gave me a revelation. If God is sovereign, if He has a plan for my life, if He knows everything, then He knew I was going to have many tattoos, He knew He would be able to turn something He doesn't like, my sins, of which there are many, for His glory! The devil cannot attack me in this way anymore, even when people choose to bring this subject up over and over. God has taught me, through my own appearance, to stop judging others for their appearance, for their plastic surgery for example, that I find silly and frivolous. Who am I to point to the splinter in someone else's eye when I have a log in my own? So how does God use my tattoos for His glory and purpose? I am able to minister to a crowd of folks that others may have trouble ministering to because they can't relate to them. The scriptures I have tattooed are 3:16 and 6:16. People ask me about them all the time. "What do those numbers mean?" And then I share John 3:16 and Jeremiah 6:16 with them and I share the Gospel. God's word does not come back void. The 6:16 covered up and old pagan symbol I had for healer, it looked like a six anyway so it made sense. The 3:16 covered up the letter m that looked like a 3 to most people anyway, so why not turn it into something to honor God? I know there are folks who simply cannot get past the law and I feel sorry for them because I know how much I have been forgiven and I thank God every single day for the grace and mercy He has shown me by dying for me! God has a plan for my life as He does for everyone, mine happens to include tattoos. :)

Boy am I blessed by the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ! I thank Him every single day for what He has done. He opened the door of my prison and set me free from my self-imposed 26 year sentence! I am His and I will go and serve Him whenever and wherever He calls! He is the only One who matters! I have no fear of men anymore. I fear the Lord! I pray that each and every one of you may come to know this love and mercy and grace!

Ephesians 2

8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are his workmanship, for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

A Slice of Infinity

When I read this today, I was reminded of my salvation. Right before I was saved, I was telling my friend Karla that I knew there was evil in the world. I had absolutely no doubt it exists. I remember asking myself, "if I know evil is real, why is it so hard for me to know that Jesus is real?" There can't be evil without good. Oh how the devil deceives us. Here is the article from A Slice of Infinity:

05/21/08
Diagnosing Evil
Jill Carattini

A recent article in The New York Times states in its title: "For
the Worst of Us, the Diagnosis May Be 'Evil.'"(1) The article examines the
responses of certain professionals who say their work forces them to
reflect on the concept of evil. Though many unremittingly avoid the
word--asserting that its use quickly moves them from clinical to moral
observation--many others find it an undeniable and altogether necessary
term. Forensic examiners and psychiatrists working with predatory killers
often acknowledge they can find no other term for certain scenes and
individuals they have examined.

It is not uncommon to hear men and women of conflicting moral and
philosophical convictions agreeing about the existence of evil. In scenes
on the news, in lamentable moments of history, in atrocities across the
world, evil is a difficult reality to denounce. But what is problematic
is the simultaneous acknowledgment of evil juxtaposed by the renouncing of
moral law and lawgiver. For how could we recognize evil if good does not
exist? In fact, this is why Lewis called evil a parasite: Evil cannot
exist without good, he said. That we recognize "bad" and "evil" among us
points to the reality that there is a standard of measurement, a moral
framework by which all actions are held up. It is unfounded to posit
labels of "good and evil" while denying an absolute moral law. It is
unreasonable to acknowledge a moral universe without acknowledging a
transcendent, moral God.

But there is also a danger in labeling evil without understanding our
common and irrefutable need for God ourselves. When God is taken out of
the picture, evil is misunderstood. Apart from God, evil becomes
reasonable, mistaken for a euphemistic quality. You can be good simply
for the sake of goodness; but you would not do something wrong simply
because it is wrong, but because it was in some way satisfying or useful.
Wickedness, Lewis reasoned, is the pursuit of some good in a wrong way.
Apart from God, we may recognize the evil around us in terrorism and
serial killing, and yet altogether fail to see the ugliness of our own
pride or the ill motive of our own words.

With much controversy, a major television network aired a documentary
featuring the music of bands formed behind the bars of maximum-security
prisons. Producers went inside the prisons to film music videos featuring
the inmates. After the filming, the producer commented on the experience.
"The first thing that surprised me," he said, "was the air.... Floating in
the air, palpable and just out of reach was the unmistakable stench of
evil."(2) What he did not specify was whether this stench of evil came
from the music, the inmates--or his own heart. The question becomes, if
we are really looking, can any of us fail to find the stench inside our
own lives?

Apart from God, we readily forget that this same evil, quickly labeled in
the hearts of prison inmates, is present in the hearts of all humanity.
As Reinhold Niebuhr aptly states, "The final enigma of history is
therefore not how the righteous will gain victory over the unrighteous,
but how the evil in every good and the unrighteousness of the righteous is
to be overcome."(3)

Indeed, God has done what we cannot do. Jesus Christ is the only man ever
to live a perfect life, standing in our place as the perfect measure of the
glory of God. As a stream becomes stagnant when it is cut off from the
spring, morality apart from the source of goodness becomes something less.
Christ is our righteousness. In him alone, can we overcome.

There is no condemnation in Christ

If you've read my life story, you know what kind of crazy past I've had. I've done some pretty awful things in my opinion. The devil did a good job whispering in my ear that I was a horrible person, a loser, undeserving of love, friendship, and normal relationships. I let my older son do things to me that were unacceptable because I sent him away for a year to live with my mom and I felt guilty for not loving him enough. I believed these lies for 26 years until I couldn't stand it anymore and wanted to die every single day. And then I gave up and surrendered my life to Christ. Since then, the Lord has freed me from alcohol abuse, cigarettes, and little by little from depression as well. When I was born again, I became a new creation in Christ, the old me is gone. The only problem I've had is believing it. I've had many days of sadness, dwelling on all my old stuff, feeling guilty, grieving for wasted years. Thanks to some pretty awesome friends from the Lord, I think I'm finally beginning to come to the end of the shame I've carried for all these years. They have constantly reminded me that I am a new creation in Christ, that the Lord has forgiven me and forgotten my past, all my past sins have been thrown into the sea, never to resurface. I've also talked to my boys about all the stuff I did wrong. They forgave me a long time ago, I just couldn't forgive myself. Yesterday at Bible study, the topic was about letting go of the past. Then at work I was talking to one of my friends, telling her she could adopt a baby some day if she didn't want to physically carry one herself. I told her how during the mother's day service, the pastor spoke about the sacrificial love of the mothers who give their children up for adoption. Before Christ, I used to think you had to really not love your child to give it away, but now I know and understand you have to really really love your child to give it away. Then, suddenly, I had one of those God revelations. I used to think I was so selfish and unloving for sending R home to live with my mom for that year, but it was a lie! I sent him home because I loved him so much I wanted what was best for him and it was the right thing to do! I've always known this from an intellectual point of view, but yesterday, it hit my heart and my spirit. There is NO condemnation in Christ! God is so good and patient. He has helped me give up my past for a wonderful future with Him. Glory to God!

051708

Do you feel like you serve the Lord enough? Most days I wake up and all I want to do is serve the Lord, in any way, in any place. I always wake up with good intentions, but then I get distracted and go about my day without much more thought to what He would have me do for Him. I wake up and pray for opportunities to serve Him, to share the gospel with someone who needs to hear good news. The other day I was walking because I am trying to become fit and healthy. I live in a really upper class town because when I traveled here almost four years ago my company rented me my apartment here. I don't see homeless folks around this town too often because it is too high class and the police do their best to keep out the "riff raff". As I was walking, I noticed a young girl sleeping on a park bench. She was pretty and wasn't too shabby looking and I didn't give her too much thought. I don't know what I was thinking other than she didn't look like a typical homeless person. I went on my way and that was that. Today, I went walking again and I saw the same girl wearing the exact same clothing as the other day. This time she was awake and thumbing through a magazine. I wrote a letter to the Lord this morning and it said:

Dear God,

I really want to be able to answer people, to tell them the reason for the hope in me. Please help me know You so well I can answer the hard questions. Please help me do that with love. There is definitely not enough love in this world. Thank You for waking me. Thank You for loving me the way You do. Please lead me to someone who needs to hear great news! I love You!

<3 m

When I passed this girl, my heart started to race. I kept walking and I prayed for courage because I wanted to speak to her on my way back. When I came back, I walked right up to her and told her I saw her the other day and asked her if she was okay. She insisted she was fine and she is in town visiting friends and just likes to sit at that spot. I listened. I asked her about herself, where she is from, family stuff, job stuff. Everything she told me sounded good, but I just sensed she is not ok and too proud to ask for help. She is just 22. I asked her if she needed any prayer and she smiled and laughed and said no. I also sensed she is a closed book. I told her to be careful and I got up to leave. I started to walk away and turned back with one last thought. "Do you have a pen?" I asked. She did and I gave her my number and told her to call me if she needed anything. She took my name and number politely. I smiled and told her to be careful again and that maybe we could grab a meal. She said maybe we could and that she walks around that spot so I will keep my eyes out for her.

As I walked away, I couldn't help feeling like I didn't do enough for the Lord. I didn't share the gospel at all, but then I remembered my prayer of sharing love. I have the gift of mercy. I love to encourage folks and build them up. I prayed for an opportunity and the Lord led me right to her. I need to stop questioning what I do for the Lord, whether it's good enough or not. I need to remember that He gives us the ability to serve Him in the way He deems fit, for His glory, no matter how big or small the task. I just have to follow His lead and go. My prayer is I made a new friend today and I will see her again and share that meal with her for the glory of God. :)

Blessed! The Miracle of Just Enough

Do you believe in miracles? I do. Love is a miracle and I have seen plenty of miraculous things in the job that I do. I've witnessed the miracle of healing, the miracle of resurrection and the miracle of being spared. In the last 2 and a half years, since I devoted my life fully to the Lord, I have discovered what some make think is ordinary circumstance, but in my humble opinion is miraculous. It is the miracle of having just enough.

Before Christ, I learned that material wealth is meaningless. It's just stuff. I started learning this when my dad died. Life is far more valuable than stuff. Several years after he died, while I was living in Spain, I had a pretty major car accident. I was with R, who was just 3 years old at the time. I was driving 50 mph and rounded a corner. R asked me a question and I looked at him for just a second and when I looked back to the road, there was a car in my path crossing the intersection! I slammed on the breaks and we crashed into the car. This was the cause of my original back injury that plagues me today. I looked over at R, who was crying and asked,"Mommy, did we crash?" By the grace of God, we all walked away from that accident without major injury. All I cared about was the 3 of us. It was just a stupid car, I could always get another. There have been other various things through the years to help me learn not to be materialistic. There's the old cliche, "when you die you can't take it with you" to contemplate as well. While I learned stuff is unimportant, I didn't learn the opposite of keeping stuff is to give it away. Thankfully, I've learned that since devoting my life to the Lord.

I've learned to give with joy. It started with tithing. I never understood tithing until our pastor taught us from the word of God what it means to tithe. I always thought it was just the church's way of guilting me into supporting them. Now I know that everything I have belongs to God and I would have nothing if He hadn't given it to me. To give back to God is to give to Him what He already owns anyway. It has helped me to learn to trust in Him for my provision. I have learned to give to the poor and I have been more blessed by giving because giving has led to wonderful friendships I would never have had otherwise. I have learned that to give is to be obedient to God and that obeying God leads to blessings from God because He blesses those who follow His commandments.

So what is the miracle of just enough? Before Christ, I used to worry constantly about my paycheck being direct deposited all the time. After Christ, that worry was miraculously gone. I just assumed my checks were there, they had always been there before. I started tithing 10% and when the car would break down I would pray for the bill to be small and get the estimate and discover I had just enough to pay for the repairs. I had a hospital stay in 2006 and shortly after I was at the Refuge and I promised a homeless man I would bring him special food because he had his jaw wired shut from an assault. He needed soft food and protein shakes. The day after I made this promise, I got the hospital bill and my car insurance bill on the same day. They added up to a hefty sum and I cried and asked God what I was going to do. The day after this I went to the store and spent $40 dollars on supplies for the homeless man and I thought I must be crazy when I needed money for those bills. But I made a promise. The day after that, I came home from work and happened to see a commercial that reminded me of an account I had forgotten about for almost 2 years. I thought to myself, "no! could there be money there?" I checked the account and discovered there was just enough money to pay those bills! Most recently, a girl I know was heading to Haiti on a mission trip. I felt led to give her a check for support and I obeyed that leading. I am staying in my current apartment and had to find out if I had enough to make the necessary deposits and pay the rent up front. I found another account that was forgotten and it has just enough for the deposit and first month's rent. While I was worrying about this, I heard the still small voice say, "trust God." Then this week I realized I would be in trouble for the month of July because of starting the new job, paycheck irregularities of a new job and what not. I have had all this in prayer, of course. Yesterday, I checked my account and discovered the government incentive check was direct deposited and now I have just enough to cover the deposit and the first 2 months of rent!

God is good all the time! For those of you who don't know the Lord, this will seem like mere coincidence, but ask anyone who loves the Lord and I'm sure they will be in agreement with me. This is the miracle of just enough!

Philippians 4

10 I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. 11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.

Proverbs 30

7 Two things I ask of you;
deny them not to me before I die:
8 Remove far from me falsehood and lying;
give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
9 lest I be full and deny you
and say, "Who is the LORD?"
or lest I be poor and steal
and profane the name of my God.

2 Corinthians 9

6 The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. 7 Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. 8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. 9 As it is written,

"He has distributed freely, he has given to the poor;
his righteousness endures forever."

051505

This is beautiful and something I can relate to as well:

05/14/08
Something Understood
Jill Carattini

"Do you see this woman?" The question confronted me as if it were aimed as
much at me as the guests around the table. Jesus was eating at the house
of a religious man who had invited him to dinner. They were reclining at
the table when a woman who was very easily remembered for her flaws came
stumbling over the dinner guests, making her way to the feet of Jesus.
Weeping over them, she broke a costly vial of perfume, wiping his feet dry
with her hair. Who didn't see her? Who didn't notice her
strange commotion? Who among them didn't immediately recognize how out of
place she really was? Yet he asks, "Do you see this woman?" (Luke 7:44).
Apparently, Jesus saw something the rest did not.

The late seventeenth century poet George Herbert once described prayer in
a detailed list of stirring metaphors. Among the first lines, prayer is
described as "the soul in paraphrase, heart in pilgrimage." At those
words I cannot help but picture the woman lying prostrate at Christ's
feet. As she poured out the perfume, so she poured out her soul. Her
prayer was one without words, her worship spilled out as tears upon his
feet. Onlookers saw a sinful woman, and an extravagant waste. Jesus saw
a heart in pilgrimage, a prayer understood.

I remember the first time I was unapologetically honest with God; my head
was bowed but my hands were metaphorically pounding against his chest. In
silent reflection, I shouted internally. I told God I was jealous.
Everyone around me seemed to be experiencing the still, small voice, the
gentle touch of a Father’s hand, the assurance of God’s glory and power,
the confirmation of a hope and a future. But I couldn't feel God’s
presence, or hear God’s voice. I had more questions and uncertainty than
answers and assurance. It seemed as though I was relating to an empty
throne. Like an attention-starved child, I yelled at God for existing,
for forgetting to love me, for failing to understand.

In Herbert's list of words, my prayer this day was perhaps more fitting
"reversed thunder" or "Christ-side-piercing spear.” My words pled for the
presence of God, for the love and will of a good creator in my life, for
complete access to the loving Father I believed was real. But what I was
asking for sharply--and quite irreverently--required the death of the
Father’s innocent Son. I spoke in ignorance and in anger, making claims
like Job without understanding. I was not as interested in hearing at
that point as I was in shouting. But God heard. Responding to my
interrogation, God revealed my true question. I was tired of being the
stepchild, and yet I had been keeping the Father in my mind as something
more like a distant uncle. Seeing me, God showed me what I did not see.


"Do you see this woman?" Jesus asked as the others were questioning her
resolve and reputation. "I tell you, her many sins have been
forgiven--for she has loved much" (Luke 7:47). In the story that calls
our hearts and eyes to attention, we find that the woman not only saw God
when others did not, but more significantly, God saw her when others did
not. Pouring out all she had at the feet of Christ, weeping at the sight
of her massive debt in the face of an innocent man, her silent prayer was
interpreted, and answered. Then Jesus lifted her head and said to her,
"Your sins are forgiven" (7:48).

Fittingly, George Herbert concludes his grand description of prayer as
"something understood." At the feet of God, our broken words and hobbling
metaphors are translated. Whether we know what we mean or what we say, God
hears and knows and translates our own hearts to ourselves. Our tears and
our groans come before the throne of a Father where we are heard and
lifted as children understood.

Jill Carattini is senior associate writer at Ravi Zacharias
International Ministries in Atlanta, Georgia.

051408

My head is one big jumble of thoughts and worries and concerns this week. I think it is the stress of a new job looming. Even though this is a great thing, it is still a stressful thing. Good stress is equally as upsetting to the body as bad stress. I think the problem with stress is it takes my focus off of the Lord and puts it on myself and my situation. I am one of those people who believes the old cliche, "all things come in threes". I'm sure you know the cliche I speak of. So here are my 3 things: the unexpected surgery, the unexpected back injury, and the expected and highly anticipated new job. And then throw in the side of spending a month with my mom and her leaving as the icing on the 3 layer cake and you can see the recipe of this stressed out season in my life. I have been praying to be filled with the Spirit and to be able to keep my eyes on Jesus because I become so distracted by my circumstances. The only thing that should matter to me is obedience to the Lord and I confess I have been downright disagreeable and obstructive, particularly at work. I have been in a state of self-pity. I realize I need to get my eyes off myself and onto the Lord. I get up every morning and I have a routine. I take the dogs out. I take all the pills, currently 8-10, for the day. I write a letter to the Lord. I read from my daily Bible, ESV. I read various devotions, "My Utmost for His Highest", The Pocket Testament League, The Active Word. I check my email. The rest of my day goes on and I get easily distracted. I think about the Lord almost the whole day. I get distracted and then I shake my head clear and focus on Him again. Today's "My Utmost for His Highest" really spoke to me:

The Habit of Enjoying Adversity

We have to develop godly habits to express what God’s grace has done in us. It is not just a question of being saved from hell, but of being saved so that "the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body." And it is adversity that makes us exhibit His life in our mortal flesh. Is my life exhibiting the essence of the sweetness of the Son of God, or just the basic irritation of "myself" that I would have apart from Him? The only thing that will enable me to enjoy adversity is the acute sense of eagerness of allowing the life of the Son of God to evidence itself in me. No matter how difficult something may be, I must say, "Lord, I am delighted to obey You in this." Instantly, the Son of God will move to the forefront of my life, and will manifest in my body that which glorifies Him.

You must not debate. The moment you obey the light of God, His Son shines through you in that very adversity; but if you debate with God, you grieve His Spirit (see Ephesians 4:30 ). You must keep yourself in the proper condition to allow the life of the Son of God to be manifested in you, and you cannot keep yourself fit if you give way to self-pity. Our circumstances are the means God uses to exhibit just how wonderfully perfect and extraordinarily pure His Son is. Discovering a new way of manifesting the Son of God should make our heart beat with renewed excitement. It is one thing to choose adversity, and quite another to enter into adversity through the orchestrating of our circumstances by God’s sovereignty. And if God puts you into adversity, He is adequately sufficient to "supply all your need" ( Philippians 4:19 ).

Keep your soul properly conditioned to manifest the life of the Son of God. Never live on your memories of past experiences, but let the Word of God always be living and active in you.

I really want to learn this habit. I think I have a long way to go. I just thank God for His long suffering and unconditional love!

Blessed! 051008

It's been an exhausting, exhilarating, exciting week. I put my mom on a train to go home and thankfully she got there in one piece and even had a good time. I went to the doctor, again, and now my blood pressure is under control so I can take NSAIDS for the pain in my left leg due to the sciatic nerve injury. I am down to 4 weeks at my current job and it's a good thing because I am the proverbial camel waiting for the last straw. I was approved to take over the lease of the current apartment we live in, the best part is I will be able to afford the up front costs! We will be living like the Japanese of the last century because the company will be taking their furniture back on 0609 (they provide furnished apartments to travelers). R came home on Tuesday carrying a mystery piece of furniture and said, "I found a TV stand for you in the trash by R+C's house."! When he went back to work, he called to tell me, "I found 2 beds for you. My boss is getting all new furniture and said you could have 2 of his beds."! On Thursday at work, I was telling A about all the plans coming up in the next month and my need for furniture and she offered me a sofa for free! God is sooo good! He is totally supplying for my every need! I am amazed and blown away with all He does for me! Thank You Jesus!

050808

Do you know the names of your great-grandparents? I was watching a program on TBN late last night and the narrator asked this question (I don't generally watch TBN because of all the prosperity preachers, which I don't agree with, but late night does have some good programming). I don't know the names of mine. The narrator said that most people don't. I think it made a very good commentary to the scriptures that life is but a vapor and a generation goes and a generation comes and there is no remembrance of former things, from Ecclesiastes. So why do people strive to be remembered? When you think of all the history of the world you learned growing up, do you realize it is just a tiny fraction of the whole? This part of life is a vapor. We have a whole eternity to spend after this life. Don't you want to spend it with the Creator of heaven and earth? My prayer is for all people to search for the One true and living God, Jesus Christ, who died for our sins and paid our fine so we could have heaven and spend eternity with God.

050508

Dear God,

My mommy went home today. I confess I am quite sad about her departure. She is traveling by train and will arrive in Philadelphia tomorrow morning. Please go with her and get her there safely. What was I thinking when I moved 1200 miles away from my family? It was such a selfish move on my part. Yet, I know it was planned by You because it was here in Florida I was saved. My house is so quiet now. How am I ever going to have the strength to live alone when it's just me? I also confess I am getting worried about finding a place to live in time for the end of my contract in 5 weeks and having enough money to get started. You know I'm not much of a saver. Forgive me for not having enough faith. I know You have a plan for my life. I know I shouldn't be worried about tomorrow because tomorrow will take care of itself. I know I am never alone because You are there and You won't leave me or forsake me. Please fill me with Your peace. Please wipe away my tears. Please forgive me for being far away from You. I love You! I worship You! I adore You! I know You understand my sorrow. Please help me recover from this sadness quickly. Please help me stay on the road You have laid before me. Please give me the strength to serve You and represent You, bringing glory to Your name. I love You Jesus. Thank You for hearing my prayers. Thank You for answering my prayers.

love, Michelle

Blessed!

Well I made it through another year and am now half way to 90. Woohoo! The pain in my leg, which is due to a sciatic nerve injury, is getting better little by little. This is week 3. I am going into week 4. I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for Monday because I can't take any more motrin because it increases my blood pressure. This will be the third doctor's visit in 3 weeks. How can I be blessed throughout suffering? A good friend of mine sent me this scripture :

Job 19:25-26

25For I know that my Redeemer lives,

and at the last he will stand upon the earth.

26And after my skin has been thus destroyed,

yet in my flesh I shall see God,

and here is the verse of the day from Bible Gateway :

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”- Romans 12:12

I am learning to be patient and it is not an easy thing to learn.

Tomorrow is my mommy's last day with us here in Florida. She is heading back to Pennsylvania by train Monday morning. My family has been tremendously blessed by her visit. My boys adore her and so do I. I think she had a good time despite all my injuries. Life is not the same without her around. I have great kids. My older son is pretty into doing his own thing, so when he does something for me I feel blessed because it takes effort for him. My younger son is painfully honest. I know he'll tell me the truth about his life, even if it means he is in trouble.

I am blessed because the Maker of heaven and earth calls me His daughter, even when I'm complaining. God is good all the time!

042908

From A Slice of Infinity:

The Church of Negativity
Jill Carattini

It was a worship service gone awry. We had gathered to celebrate the
person of Christ, but in the end it seemed we were more celebrating words
void of life. I cannot recall the name of the church, the denomination it
was a part of, or even what the sermon was about. I only remember the
rabbit trail that led us down a darkened hole of condemnation. From body
piercings and baggy pants to homosexuals and liberals, the list was long,
the frustration clear, and the rationale was fired with as much passion as
the targets that had been chosen: “For we recognize that hell is a fearful
reality, and that many--maybe even those near to you--will find it their
final place of unrest.”

“Amen!” the person in front of me called out. “Yes, amen,” said several
others in agreement.

My heart sunk further into my soul than I knew was even possible. Did
they know that “Amen!” means “Let it be”?

A great deal of time has passed since this experience, and yet,
remembering it still brings shivers down my spine and a bad taste to my
mouth. But what I once remembered only as a particular worship service in
a particular city on a particular Sunday afternoon, I now remember as an
illustration of the worship service I am all too capable of leading. When
I allow myself to cling more to negativity than to Christ, when I cherish
words of death more than words of life, when I spend more time complaining
about what is wrong with the church than putting energy into being
the church, this is exactly the worship experience I recreate--and there
are far too many voices willing to shout “amen” at the end of each of my
sermons. Christianity in many circles has become synonymous with
negativity.

In his sermon "The Weight of Glory," C.S. Lewis took note of a subtle
shift in the language of his day, which he felt was the first detour in a
road leading far away from Christ. Writes Lewis, "If you asked twenty
good men today what they thought the highest of the virtues, nineteen of
them would reply, Unselfishness. But if you had asked almost any of the
great Christians of old, he would have replied, Love. You see what has
happened? A negative term has been substituted for a positive, and this
is of more than philosophical importance."(1) He goes on to explain the
ideologies that grow out of subtle shifts of language. The positive
answer requires a perspective that looks outward at others--those who are
the recipients of the virtue or else the one from whom this virtue arises
in the first place--whereas the negative virtue shows that our concern is
primarily with ourselves--our own self-denial--and hence the
appearance of good virtue. To this Lewis notes, "The New Testament
has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in
itself." To put this in terms for the subject at hand: Scripture has lots
to say about what is wrong with the world. But thankfully, this is never
the end of the sermon. (And of course, both the Old and New Testaments
have a lot to say about complaining.)

It is very true that we live in a world that is full of philosophical
pitfalls, bad behavior, and theology with which we could rightfully see
fault. But so it is full of the glory of God. So why are we at times
more excited to see fault than to see faith? Why are we so quick to
complain and so lamentably slow at showing the world our reason to be more
fully alive and authentically graceful? The same scripture that tells us
to defend our faith tells us to do so with gentleness and reverence--so
that those who abuse you for “your good conduct in Christ” may be
put to shame (1 Peter 3:15-16). The same scripture that bids us to do all
things “without complaining and arguing” instructs us to do so because it
is by our “holding fast to the word of life” that we demonstrate we
are truly holding onto a different message than that of a crooked and
perverse generation (Philippians 2:14-16). Moreover, the same apostle who
died to defend the person of Christ called us to stay focused on the
kind of person Christ is: “For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, whom
we proclaimed among you, Silvanus and Timothy and I, was not ‘Yes and No’;
but in him it is always ‘Yes.’ For in him every one of God’s promises is a
‘Yes.’ For this reason it is through him that we say the ‘Amen,’ to the
glory of God” (2 Corinthians 1:19-20).

In the worship services we create with our words and actions, with the
things we do and the things we leave undone, might there be good reason
for those around us to say “Amen.”

This really spoke to me because I look around and see so much negativity in the body of Christ. There are far too many people in the body who consider themselves to be the "defenders" of the faith. They make it their business to point out all the "bad" theology of others. They say they are the "watchdogs" of the faith. I don't have a problem with someone warning me that a person's theology might be wrong, but it seems like these folks don't just do that. They go far beyond warning to cutting people down and getting into huge critical arguments with folks they deem to be "heretics". I guess my question is, who is it that made them the "watchdog"? If God is sovereign, does He really even need them to be "watchdogs". I, for one, find the ONLY watchdog I need is the Holy Spirit. He is the one who gives me discernment to know truth from lie. I don't need a man to tell me what is true or false. I have the word of God and I have His Holy Spirit. I also have faith that the Lord will be the judge of all those people who tried to deceive us into false thinking. I also know that I am the only person who has to be accountable for my actions. You don't have to be accountable for my actions. I think life would be so much better if we worried about our own actions and were accountable to God everyday for how we are serving Him, than worrying about what everybody else is doing. The only thing that matters is my relationship with the Lord, serving Him, praying for the deceived to receive their sight, speaking the truth in love that Jesus Christ is Lord. He died to save us from our sins. He rose again to sit at the right hand of the Father. He said to go and make disciples. He did not say, go and tear each other down.

Blessed!

Well it's been a long week. I went back to work and have all those challenges to face again, but I am blessed with a new outlook knowing it really is all temporary. I have been suffering incredible pain due to the curb incident of almost 2 weeks ago now, but I am blessed in being closer to the Lord as cry to Him in my suffering. I have finally figured out how to drive the car without being in excruciating pain. I know God will heal this injury. I know God will heal this injury. I know God will heal this injury. Today was the giant outreach day at the church and over 1000 people came out to share the love of Christ with people who are suffering all sorts of the things that are far worse than even what I am suffering and I am blessed to have found such an awesome church, full of folks who love the Lord as much as I do. Over 200 people gave their lives to the Lord on this wonderful day and it's all thanks to Him and His glory! God is good all the time. All the time God is good! I am blessed because I have my mommy here with me for one more week and she came to church with me today and heard the word. I am blessed because I know the Lord will redeem her. I know the Lord will grant her repentance. I know the Lord will save her! I am blessed because despite the pain I know my Savior lives! I know my Savior loves me and I know He is interceeding on my behalf. Thank You Jesus!

042308

This is from A Slice of Infinity:

Puddles, Rivers, and Waterfalls
Jill Carattini

In his book River Out of Eden, Oxford scientist Richard Dawkins
explains, "The universe we observe has precisely the properties we should
expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil and no good,
nothing but blind, pitiless indifference."(1) In a similar vein, Dawkins
praises the humorous rejoinder of Douglas Adams to arguments that claim an
apparent order and purpose in the universe. Writes Dawkins, "To illustrate
the vain conceit that the universe must be somehow preordained for us
because we are so well suited to live in it, [Adams] mimed a wonderfully
funny imitation of a puddle of water, fitting itself snugly into a
depression in the ground, the depression uncannily being exactly the same
shape as the puddle."(2) Their claim is clear: Humanity has adapted to a
blind and indifferent universe like water to the shape of its container.
It is perhaps a claim that at times lingers suggestively in the desolate
places of life and mind.

Ernest Gordon, too, may have at one time agreed. An officer of the
British army during the Second World War, he was captured by the Japanese
while at sea. At the age of 24, he was sent to work in the prison camp
that would be constructing the Burma-Siam railroad.

For every mile of track, 393 men are said to have died. Wearing nothing
but loincloths, they worked for hours in scorching temperatures, chopping
their way through tangled jungles. Those who paused out of exhaustion
were beaten to death by guards. Treated like animals, the prisoners
became themselves like beasts trying to survive. Adapting to their harsh
captivity, theft was as rampant as disease among them. Gordon himself
eventually became so weak from illness that he was removed from the common
camp and placed in the Death House. He describes his purposeless existence
in that cruel and indifferent setting: "I was a prisoner of war, lying
among the dead, waiting for the bodies to be carried away so that I might
have more room."(3)

Each night the Japanese guards would count the work tools before anyone
was permitted to return to camp. One evening, when a shovel was found to
be missing, a guard shouted relentlessly that the guilty man must present
himself. When no one responded, he ordered callously, "All die! All
die!" At this, a young man stepped forward, confessing to the theft, and
was immediately killed before them.

The railroad prison camp by the River Kwai was a place where many could
have observed in horror that “the universe has precisely the properties we
should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no God
watching over those in dire need of hope." Like water conforming to the
shape of its container, the captured men became like men fighting to
survive, void of right and wrong, void of reverence for life, void of all
meaning. Yet, amidst the stagnant waters of hatred and bitterness,
something was astir.

After the incident with the shovel, upon returning to the camp, one of the
guards discovered a mistake in their counting. There had never been a
missing shovel. The young man that stepped forward was innocent; he had
sacrificed his life to preserve the lives of his fellow inmates. After
this incident, attitudes among the camp began to change dramatically.
Instead of men in a detached game of survival of the fittest, they began
to look out for each other. One of the men remembered the words of
Scripture: "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life
for his friends." Gordon, who once lay forgotten for dead, was slowly
nursed back to health by fellow prisoners. Fully recovered, he eventually
became a makeshift chaplain of the camp. When the prison was liberated in
1945--three years after his capture--Gordon entered seminary to become a
minister of the message of Jesus Christ. "Faith thrives where there is no
hope but God," he later testified. How contrary to the words of Richard
Dawkins.

The transformation in the men of the prison was so thoroughly unlike the
world they were forced to live in that one could argue it was more like a
waterfall defying gravity and moving upstream than a puddle naturally
fitting into the crevice that holds it. The sacrifice of one innocent man
can reverse the flow of history. Perhaps the kingdom of God is indeed
among us, a spring of living water in a dry and weary land.

I don't know how the atheist can live and thrive in this world. Before Christ when I thought there was even a remote chance that God was not real, I was left in such a state of hopelessness, all I wanted to do was die. "If there is no God", I thought, "what is the point of living?" This was the state of mind I was in right before my blessed Savior rescued me from the pit of despair. I wanted to die every single day. If there is no heaven, if there is no God, what reason is there to live? Thank God He gave me my sight back! This weekend our church is having a giant outreach day. The pastor spoke about how to be involved. He exhorted folks who are afraid to serve because they don't know enough about God and are afraid to answer the hard questions of the skeptics. He said, "can you tell them how before Christ you were blind, but now you see? Can you tell them once you were lost, but now you are found?" People can try to refute the Bible all they want, they can't refute your personal experience.

So my friends, let me just tell you I once was lost, but now I'm found. I once was blind, but now I see. Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!!!