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Chapter Seven
Fog

The next 10 years of my life were lived mostly in the deep murky waters of depression with occasional breaks into the light on the surface. I continued in the unhealthy relationship with my ex-husband. We seemed to be at each other’s throats all the time and never really spent time apart.

I ended up going to college in my home town because the thought of leaving my family was too terrifying. I was convinced if I wasn’t in their proximity, something terrible would happen and there would be more death. During the first semester of my freshman year, my boyfriend informed me he had cheated on me with a girl who was more fun in bed. I should have ended the relationship, but I didn’t, choosing to forgive him instead, although it was something I wouldn’t let him forget. I spent one semester on campus and moved home because the stress of being even just 5 miles from my family was more than I could bear.

During my sophomore year my ex-husband joined the Air Force and left. We didn’t see each other for 18 months and in that time I felt free. It was a time of coming to the surface of the depression. I was becoming less afraid of my family dying even though I lost a cousin and my grandfather in 1981 and 1982. By this point I was completely done with death. I wanted nothing else to do with it. I know I missed some funerals after this because I couldn’t stomach the thought of even one more.

College was slightly better than high school in that I had the freedom to go or not to go and I chose not to go frequently. I ended up graduating in 1985 with a degree in nursing. Considering how messed up I was emotionally, I managed to graduate with a B average.

In the middle of college I applied for an ROTC scholarship and got accepted into the Air Force. By my junior year, my ex-husband was back and we decided to get married, despite what my gut was telling me. I didn’t want to let anyone down and in August of 1984 we got married at my college. I hadn’t set foot in church since my father died and I had no inclination to do so then. By the end of my senior year, I was pregnant with my older son. I didn’t have too many happy feelings about the pregnancy because I didn’t have too many happy feelings in general. My only hope was to have a boy I could name after my father and I thought it would be really neat if he had blond hair and blue eyes. I secretly prayed to my dad for these things. I used to think it was ironic I was given children when I didn’t care for them that much.

After I graduated from college, I moved to Dover, Delaware to live with my ex-husband. Things were okay at first, but I slowly came to the realization that he had a drinking problem and was still using drugs and we started to fight again. The abuse seemed to begin gradually. First it was verbal abuse then it became scary. We went to the base to play darts and he got drunk so I drove home. He started yelling at me to drive faster and when I wouldn’t, he leaned down and put his hand on the gas peddle. He was like a terrorist. I couldn’t believe it because he had never been like this before we were married. I was 4 months pregnant at the time and not working and felt like i had to stick by him.

Months later, when I was 8 months pregnant, we were playing cards with the neighbor and he got drunk again and when the neighbor left, he went into a rage because I wasn’t throwing cards he wanted. He proceeded to pick me up and throw me into walls and onto the floor and I ran into the back of the house to hide. He came and found me and forced himself on me and I was terrified. Then he threw me out of the house and I just sat in the car and cried and cried. I never thought about leaving. How could i leave when he had to work the next day? In the mean time, my son didn’t move for hours and I was afraid he was dead.

After my son was born, my ex-husband got out of the Air Force and we moved home and lived with my mom. We fought all the time, but thankfully the physical abuse stopped in her house. I guess he was too afraid of others finding out. I was finally able to start working and it was such a relief to be away from him.