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Chapter Three
The Beginning of the Downfall

Growing up I was a very moody, sullen child. I’m not really sure what made me that way. I had very loving parents and a fantastic extended family. My brother was born in 1967 and my sister was born in 1974.

Growing up, I was quite mean to my brother, probably due to jealousy. After all, I was the only child for 4 years. I think i was disappointed in the fact he was younger than me as well. I wanted a big brother. When we would play together, I would be the boy and make him be the girl. I just remember wishing things were different. When my sister was born, I was 11 years old and she was like my little baby doll. We didn’t have much of a relationship in the beginning because of our age difference.

I was very sensitive when I was a girl. It didn’t take much to hurt my feelings. Every time somebody said something mean to me, a brick would go up around my heart. I was pretty reserved in relationships. I didn’t have a lot of friends, wasn’t ever popular, didn’t feel comfortable in large groups of people. I was and still am better in one on one relationships. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be popular or have lots of friends, I just couldn’t. The bricks around my heart kept me separate from people. I hated having my feelings hurt and the simplest way to avoid that was to avoid becoming friends with people.

When puberty came, things only got worse. Those were some of the hardest years of my life. I was quite sad. I didn’t like my appearance. I was too short, too fat, too angry looking (even though I wasn’t angry), too afraid. Girls in junior high threatened to beat me up for giving them dirty looks and I would walk home from school in fear almost everyday. Children are just naturally mean to each other and I didn’t find comfort from anyone, not even my parents.

These were the years when my mother’s behavior toward me really changed. Suddenly, she was convinced I was lying to her about things. If she was mad at my dad, she was mad at me and the only explanation she would give was that I was just like him. I found myself loving my dad more and my mom less. I didn’t understand anything about what made her act that way, I just felt like I was doing everything wrong and if I could just be better she would love me more.

By 9th grade I started smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol. I figured if I smoked the mean girls would leave me alone and I was right. At this point, all the things I was learning in church were going in one ear and right out the other. By 10th grade I was experimenting with drugs and boys even though boys and the whole issue of sex scared me. My relationship with my mom remained pretty tense because then I was doing stuff that was bad and I had to be sneaky and lie to her.

I actually came out of my shell the first year of high school. I was in the marching band and made some really awesome friends. It was the first time I felt like I belonged to a group. We went on a field trip to Florida for a parade and it was just a great year. However, that all came to a very screeching halt at the beginning of 11th grade.