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I’ve been feeling quite blue these last 2 weeks. I confess I have been dealing with depression off and on all of my life. I have no idea where this depression comes from, but I do know now that it’s something the devil uses against me, so I feel like at least now I can have a plan, a strategy to fight back.

This all began when I was a small child. For some reason, I always felt unworthy of love. I know my parents loved me, but they didn’t express it out loud to me so it was never really clear in my mind. And then when I did something wrong and got in trouble, I felt like I could lose their love for being bad. This feeling has followed me my whole life.

It followed me into school where, the minute someone said something mean about me, it translated in my head as me being unworthy of love and friendship, so I stuck to myself. You can’t get hurt by people if you don’t let them come near you.

At home, I felt like I had to meet certain conditions to have love. I would do everything in my power to please my parents so they would love me. Where does this come from? As an adult, I know how silly this notion is because I know my mother loves me despite all the stupid things I did with my life. She never gave up on me, despite my drinking, despite my self-centeredness, despite me putting myself before my kids.

This feeling followed me into my marriage and my ex-husband only confirmed to me just how unworthy of love I was by telling me I was stupid and telling me what a lousy person I was.
It followed me into every one night stand or bad relationship I ever had after my marriage by confirming "if you were really worthy of love, then these wouldn’t be one night stands or bad relationships." It followed me to the point of me just finally wanting to give up and die.

But then something miraculous happened. A dear friend of mine told me that Jesus loves me! And I heard her! I confess that for years I knew God was real, but I was just stuck at this point of not being able to understand how to get to Him. And I know now that I bought a lie. A lie planted in my brain, like a seed, by the devil to keep me wallowing in self-pity and shame and depression and isolation. A lie that kept me in prison for 42 years, desperately searching for a way to escape, to find the love and freedom we all want and need so badly.

So now, after 2 years of walking with the Lord, I confess I am still struggling with depression, not like 2 years ago, thank God! But nevertheless, it comes and goes with regularity. I think the difference between then and now is, I now know the devil’s scheme and I’m not falling for the lie anymore and because the Lord has graciously shown me the lie, I have the power through Jesus Christ to fight back and eradicate this problem once and for all. Because Christ lives in me I know His love is unfailing! And I know He has unfailing love for me because I love him! I have just recently started taking St John’s Wort to see if it will help me to combat the battle in my mind. I’m praying it works because I’ve taken so many meds over the years that I just don’t want to use them if I don’t have to. They only work for a little while and then seem to fail. Then again, I sometimes wonder if I even know what normal sadness and anger are? I just keep praying to God and I know in His timing I will be free of this, whether in this life or in heaven. Maybe, like the Apostle Paul, this is the thorn in my flesh because the thorns are what keep us close to the Lord?

Exodus 20:6
But I lavish unfailing love for a thousand generations on those who love me and obey my commands.

Psalm 31:7
I will be glad and rejoice in your unfailing love,for you have seen my troubles,and you care about the anguish of my soul.

John 1:14
So the Word became human and made his home among us. He was full of unfailing love and faithfulness. And we have seen his glory, the glory of the Father’s one and only Son.

John 1:17
For the law was given through Moses, but God’s unfailing love and faithfulness came through Jesus Christ.

The Lord’s unfailing love is a covenant, a promise to those who love Him and are devoted to Him! How awesome and mighty is our God? I found 121 references to God’s unfailing love in the New Living Translation. This unfailing love is translated as mercy and grace in the New King James. I love the Lord so much, I can’t even describe it! Thanks to His unfailing love, I can now stand on the truth instead of the lie and because of this truth I can be full of hope that I will one day leave the prison behind for good! Hallelujah!