Thoughts and Confessions of a Girl who Loves Jesus

shutting down/consolidating

2008-06-06T08:18:00.002-04:00

After much thought, I am going to shut down this blog. I basically blog in too many places, but I just copy and paste what I have to say so really it's just an exercise in wasting time. If you would like to keep reading what I have to say, please come find me at wordpress, Thoughts and Confessions of a Girl who Loves Jesus.

I really like wordpress and I spend way too much time on the internet, so I hope this will get me off the computer that much quicker. Thanks and I hope to see you there :-)

What's in a number?

2008-06-05T07:42:00.000-04:00

Ever since I started blogging on the internet back in 2000, I have been obsessed with numbers. I have been obsessed more than some folks and less than others. I mean some people are so obsessed with numbers that they write a million blog posts a day just to get traffic to their pages and even write posts about the fact they are angry about others overtaking them in the stats department? Okay, I am not that obsessed! So, as you all know, I am finishing a job soon and I got quite obsessed with counting down the days until I was done. Well, a couple of weeks ago it hit me that I shouldn't be counting down days. I'm not really sure where this thought came from? I just felt really convicted to stop counting. Since then, I've been in the book of Samuel and the Lord is really explicit about his dislike of numbering things. I mean, David sends Joab out to number the armies and Joab asks him why he wants to aggravate the Lord in this manner? The result of his numbering, which took a full 9 months, was a plague that killed 70,000 people! Then I remembered I wrote in a recent blog about dreaming I should read the book of James. This verse jumped out at me again and spoke to me:

James 4

13Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— 14yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. 15Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” 16As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. 17 So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

It occurred to me who am I to say how many days I have until I move on to the next thing or finish the current thing? I really think counting days was sinfully arrogant on my part and I would just like to thank the Lord for convicting me to stop. Who am I? I am a girl who loves Jesus. I want what he wants. :)

Everyday ordinary miracles

2008-06-04T09:56:00.000-04:00

I was reading today's devotional and it was talking about giving glory to God. Let's face it, everything we have we have thanks to Him. Every blessing, every good thing comes from above. I was at work yesterday evening when I got a call from G, my 16 year old, asking me to pick him up from his friend's house. I said, "I can't pick you up now, I'm working! You know I'm working." He said, "But I crashed a go-cart into a car and I think I need to go to the hospital." Only this child would start a conversation backwards like that. To make a long story short, he wasn't familiar with the go-cart and hit the gas when he thought he was hitting the breaks and ran head first into a parked car. This go-cart has a top speed of 45 mph. G said he was going really fast and thought he was going to die! Thank God he was wearing a helmet because his head hit the car so hard his friend thought he broke his neck! He walked away with bruised ribs, a bruised right forearm, and a bruised left shoulder. Who but God alone gets the glory for this act of mercy!? G knows it is by the grace of God he isn't dead. All the glory and adoration and love and worship and gratitude go the the Lord! He is exalted! He is lifted up! He is the maker of heaven and earth! He is the miracle maker! He saved my son! Thank you Jesus!!! I love you!!!

The Pocket Testament League

2008-06-03T13:14:00.000-04:00

I get this devotional Monday through Fridays. It's really good :)

Day 150: It Would Be So Much Easier To Just Open The Door

Acts 12:13-15

Peter knocked at the outer entrance, and a servant girl named Rhoda came to answer the door. When she recognized Peter's voice, she was so overjoyed she ran back without opening it and exclaimed, "Peter is at the door!" "You're out of your mind," they told her. When she kept insisting that it was so, they said, "It must be his angel."

Thoughts for Today:

Not long ago I was playing golf with Pastor Ty. We generally play as a twosome, as it gives us time to talk with each other and whoever God chooses to place in our group. On this particular day, we were joined by a guy in his early thirties who was married, and had two children (they attended an Episcopal preschool). As the conversation turned to what church he was attending, he stammered a bit because by now he knew Ty was a preacher. He answered by saying his family was Jewish, but his wife was Episcopalian. Ty then asked what I thought was a really good question, "Is she a Christian?" He thought about that for a minute, and then said in all seriousness, "I'm not sure I know what it means to be a Christian." Our new friend did not play very good golf the rest of the day, but by the time we finished, he had a much better idea of the person and identity of Jesus.

Our friend asked some really good questions that day, and perhaps the best one was, "Okay I understand who you say Jesus is, but why and how do I believe?" If my daughter asked me "Why do I have to clean my room?" Sometimes I will get tired of explaining and go into my Dad-mode and just say, "Because I say so." That wasn't going to work with this guy, yet that is basically how a lot of Christians answer this question. As I read our passage today I thought about our friend's questions, you see Jesus was standing knocking at his door just like Peter. Rather than opening the door, instead our friend was running to other people looking for answers (as was the servant girl). We were just the last in a long list. I finally told him that he wouldn't find his answers from other people -- the answer would come from Jesus Himself -- from his own personal experience. All he needed was enough faith and belief to grab the handle of the door and open it. Jesus would do the rest. I thought about myself when I said this. I certainly have let Jesus into my life (my house), but have I let Him in every room?

Questions to Ponder:

How long has it been since you opened the door to Jesus? Have you let Him into every room of your house? Is there an area you keep Him out of? Is He in all of your friendships, relationships, at work, in your car, and in your marriage? In what area of your life is Jesus not present? Will you invite Him into that area now?

Things I read today

2008-06-02T18:28:00.002-04:00

2 Samuel 20:12

12And Amasa lay wallowing in his blood in the highway. And anyone who came by, seeing him, stopped. And when the man saw that all the people stopped, he carried Amasa out of the highway into the field and threw a garment over him.

Even back then, men had a fascination with the traumatic.

2 Samuel 20:14-22

14And Sheba passed through all the tribes of Israel to Abel of Beth-maacah, and all the Bichrites assembled and followed him in. 15And all the men who were with Joab came and besieged him in Abel of Beth-maacah. They cast up a mound against the city, and it stood against the rampart, and they were battering the wall to throw it down. 16Then a wise woman called from the city, "Listen! Listen! Tell Joab, 'Come here, that I may speak to you.'" 17And he came near her, and the woman said, "Are you Joab?" He answered, "I am." Then she said to him, "Listen to the words of your servant." And he answered, "I am listening." 18Then she said, "They used to say in former times, 'Let them but ask counsel at Abel,' and so they settled a matter. 19I am one of those who are peaceable and faithful in Israel. You seek to destroy a city that is a mother in Israel. Why will you swallow up the heritage of the LORD?" 20Joab answered, "Far be it from me, far be it, that I should swallow up or destroy! 21That is not true. But a man of22Then the woman went to all the people in her wisdom. And they cut off the head of Sheba the son of Bichri and threw it out to Joab. So he blew the trumpet, and they dispersed from the city, every man to his home. And Joab returned to Jerusalem to the king.

I pray for this much wisdom.

2 Samuel 22:2-3
"The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
3 my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield, and the horn of my salvation,
my stronghold and my refuge,
my savior; you save me from violence.

I am always amazed by how much God loves me.

2 Samuel 22:29

29 For you are my lamp, O LORD,
and my God lightens my darkness.

If I follow Him, He will light my way.

Psalm 121

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills.
From where does my help come?
2 My help comes from the LORD,
who made heaven and earth.

3He will not let your foot be moved;
he who keeps you will not slumber.
4Behold, he who keeps Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

5The LORD is your keeper;
the LORD is your shade on your right hand.
6 The sun shall not strike you by day,
nor the moon by night.

7The LORD will keep you from all evil;
he will keep your life.
8The LORD will keep
your going out and your coming in
from this time forth and forevermore.

No one can possibly keep me safer!

1 Timothy 1:12-16

12 I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful,appointing me to his service, 13 though formerly I was a blasphemer,persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, 14 and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 15 The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. 16 But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life.

My life changed dramatically because of Christ and I love Him more than words can ever say!

1 Timothy 2:1-6

1 First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, 2 for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. 3 This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior,4 who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth. 5 For there is one God, and there is one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus,6 who gave himself as a ransom for all, which is the testimony given at the proper time.

This is such an exhortation to share the Gospel because the Lord desires all people to be saved! What are you reading?

How do you live?

2008-05-26T09:03:00.001-04:00

I get A Slice of Infinity sent to my email everyday. It is one of the most thought provoking devotionals I know of. The following was written by Ravi Zacharias and it's funny, but when I hit the tag surfer button, I do get a lot of blogs full of skepticism based on how Christians are viewed, people not "buying Christianity" because of all the hypocricy they see. This is really something to contemplate :

05/15/08
The Apologetic of the Apologist
Ravi Zacharias

A starting point for taking on the responsibility of the work of Christian
apologetics is recognizing the role that living out a disciplined
Christian life plays. Even a brief examination of the Scriptures reveals
this striking imperative: one may not divorce the content of apologetics
from the character of the apologist. Apologetics derives from the
Greek word apologia, "to give an answer." 1 Peter 3:15 gives us
the defining statement: "But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.
Always be prepared to give an answer (apologia) to everyone who
asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with
gentleness and respect."

I have always found this to be such a fascinating verse because the
apostle Peter, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, knew the hazards
and the risks of being an answer-bearer to the sincere questions that
people would pose of the gospel. Indeed, when one contrasts the answers
of Jesus to any of his detractors, it is not hard to see that their
resistance is not of the mind but rather of the heart. Furthermore, I
have little doubt that the single greatest obstacle to the impact of the
gospel has not been its inability to provide answers, but the failure on
our part to live it out. The Irish evangelist Gypsy Smith once said,
"There are five Gospels: Matthew Mark, Luke, John, and the Christian, and
some people will never read the first four." In other words, apologetics
is often first seen before it is heard.

For that very reason the Scriptures give us a clear picture of the
apologetic Christian: one who has first set apart Christ in his or her
heart as Lord, and then responds with answers to the questioner with
gentleness and respect. Therefore, one must not overlook the stark
reality that the way one's life is lived out will determine the impact
upon the skeptic. There are few obstacles to faith as serious as
expounding the unlived life. Too many skeptics see the quality of one's
life and firmly believe that it is all theory, bearing no supernatural
component.
I remember well in the early days of my Christian faith talking to a
Hindu. He was questioning the strident claims of the followers of Christ
as being something supernatural. He absolutely insisted "conversion was
nothing more than a decision to lead a more ethical life and that in most
cases it was not any different to those claims of other 'ethical'
religions." So far, his argument was not anything new.
But then he said something that I have never forgotten, and often reflect
upon: "If this conversion is truly supernatural, why is it not more
evident in the lives of so many Christians that I know?" His question is
a troublesome one. After all, no Buddhist claims a supernatural life but
frequently lives a more consistent one. The same pertains to many of
other faiths. Yet, how often the so-called Christian, even while
proclaiming some of the loftiest truths one could ever express, lives a
life bereft of that beauty and character.

This call to a life reflecting the person of Christ is the ultimate
calling upon the apologist. The skeptic is not slow to notice when there
is a disparity, and because of that, may question the whole gospel in its
supernatural claim. Yet when they are met with gentleness and respect, we
will help meet the deepest longings of the heart and mind, and they will
find where true discovery lies. Let us live so accordingly.

Blessed! What about those tattoos?

2008-05-23T10:04:00.001-04:00

I was recently reading stuff around the blogosphere and came to this article about Christians and tattoos. I found it last night and I was too tired to respond at that moment, but I responded today. Here is my response:

Hi, I wanted to thank you for taking the subject of tattoos on from a fairly non-judgmental way. Speaking from a tattooed perspective, I have many tattoos, 99% of which I got before Christ. I have gotten 3 tattoos since, one to mark the occasion of my salvation, and two to change old tattoos that had little meaning into scripture references. I don't just run out and get tattooed anymore because the desire is mostly gone. While I agree that God said in Leviticus 19:28 not to tattoo the body, I live by the gift of grace from God, not by the condemnation of the law. I was attacked by the enemy a lot for my tattoos. He tried very hard to get me to see I couldn't possibly be a Christian because of them. It was a battle that went on in my mind for probably the first year of being a Christian, until the day that God gave me a revelation. If God is sovereign, if He has a plan for my life, if He knows everything, then He knew I was going to have many tattoos, He knew He would be able to turn something He doesn't like, my sins, of which there are many, for His glory! The devil cannot attack me in this way anymore, even when people choose to bring this subject up over and over. God has taught me, through my own appearance, to stop judging others for their appearance, for their plastic surgery for example, that I find silly and frivolous. Who am I to point to the splinter in someone else's eye when I have a log in my own? So how does God use my tattoos for His glory and purpose? I am able to minister to a crowd of folks that others may have trouble ministering to because they can't relate to them. The scriptures I have tattooed are 3:16 and 6:16. People ask me about them all the time. "What do those numbers mean?" And then I share John 3:16 and Jeremiah 6:16 with them and I share the Gospel. God's word does not come back void. The 6:16 covered up and old pagan symbol I had for healer, it looked like a six anyway so it made sense. The 3:16 covered up the letter m that looked like a 3 to most people anyway, so why not turn it into something to honor God? I know there are folks who simply cannot get past the law and I feel sorry for them because I know how much I have been forgiven and I thank God every single day for the grace and mercy He has shown me by dying for me! God has a plan for my life as He does for everyone, mine happens to include tattoos. :)

Boy am I blessed by the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ! I thank Him every single day for what He has done. He opened the door of my prison and set me free from my self-imposed 26 year sentence! I am His and I will go and serve Him whenever and wherever He calls! He is the only One who matters! I have no fear of men anymore. I fear the Lord! I pray that each and every one of you may come to know this love and mercy and grace!

Ephesians 2
8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are his workmanship, for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

A Slice of Infinity

2008-05-22T11:09:00.002-04:00

When I read this today, I was reminded of my salvation. Right before I was saved, I was telling my friend Karla that I knew there was evil in the world. I had absolutely no doubt it exists. I remember asking myself, "if I know evil is real, why is it so hard for me to know that Jesus is real?" There can't be evil without good. Oh how the devil deceives us. Here is the article from A Slice of Infinity:

05/21/08
Diagnosing Evil
Jill Carattini

A recent article in The New York Times states in its title: "For
the Worst of Us, the Diagnosis May Be 'Evil.'"(1) The article examines the
responses of certain professionals who say their work forces them to
reflect on the concept of evil. Though many unremittingly avoid the
word--asserting that its use quickly moves them from clinical to moral
observation--many others find it an undeniable and altogether necessary
term. Forensic examiners and psychiatrists working with predatory killers
often acknowledge they can find no other term for certain scenes and
individuals they have examined.

It is not uncommon to hear men and women of conflicting moral and
philosophical convictions agreeing about the existence of evil. In scenes
on the news, in lamentable moments of history, in atrocities across the
world, evil is a difficult reality to denounce. But what is problematic
is the simultaneous acknowledgment of evil juxtaposed by the renouncing of
moral law and lawgiver. For how could we recognize evil if good does not
exist? In fact, this is why Lewis called evil a parasite: Evil cannot
exist without good, he said. That we recognize "bad" and "evil" among us
points to the reality that there is a standard of measurement, a moral
framework by which all actions are held up. It is unfounded to posit
labels of "good and evil" while denying an absolute moral law. It is
unreasonable to acknowledge a moral universe without acknowledging a
transcendent, moral God.

But there is also a danger in labeling evil without understanding our
common and irrefutable need for God ourselves. When God is taken out of
the picture, evil is misunderstood. Apart from God, evil becomes
reasonable, mistaken for a euphemistic quality. You can be good simply
for the sake of goodness; but you would not do something wrong simply
because it is wrong, but because it was in some way satisfying or useful.
Wickedness, Lewis reasoned, is the pursuit of some good in a wrong way.
Apart from God, we may recognize the evil around us in terrorism and
serial killing, and yet altogether fail to see the ugliness of our own
pride or the ill motive of our own words.

With much controversy, a major television network aired a documentary
featuring the music of bands formed behind the bars of maximum-security
prisons. Producers went inside the prisons to film music videos featuring
the inmates. After the filming, the producer commented on the experience.
"The first thing that surprised me," he said, "was the air.... Floating in
the air, palpable and just out of reach was the unmistakable stench of
evil."(2) What he did not specify was whether this stench of evil came
from the music, the inmates--or his own heart. The question becomes, if
we are really looking, can any of us fail to find the stench inside our
own lives?

Apart from God, we readily forget that this same evil, quickly labeled in
the hearts of prison inmates, is present in the hearts of all humanity.
As Reinhold Niebuhr aptly states, "The final enigma of history is
therefore not how the righteous will gain victory over the unrighteous,
but how the evil in every good and the unrighteousness of the righteous is
to be overcome."(3)

Indeed, God has done what we cannot do. Jesus Christ is the only man ever
to live a perfect life, standing in our place as the perfect measure of the
glory of God. As a stream becomes stagnant when it is cut off from the
spring, morality apart from the source of goodness becomes something less.
Christ is our righteousness. In him alone, can we overcome.

There is no condemnation in Christ

2008-05-21T14:30:00.001-04:00

If you've read my life story, you know what kind of crazy past I've had. I've done some pretty awful things in my opinion. The devil did a good job whispering in my ear that I was a horrible person, a loser, undeserving of love, friendship, and normal relationships. I let my older son do things to me that were unacceptable because I sent him away for a year to live with my mom and I felt guilty for not loving him enough. I believed these lies for 26 years until I couldn't stand it anymore and wanted to die every single day. And then I gave up and surrendered my life to Christ. Since then, the Lord has freed me from alcohol abuse, cigarettes, and little by little from depression as well. When I was born again, I became a new creation in Christ, the old me is gone. The only problem I've had is believing it. I've had many days of sadness, dwelling on all my old stuff, feeling guilty, grieving for wasted years. Thanks to some pretty awesome friends from the Lord, I think I'm finally beginning to come to the end of the shame I've carried for all these years. They have constantly reminded me that I am a new creation in Christ, that the Lord has forgiven me and forgotten my past, all my past sins have been thrown into the sea, never to resurface. I've also talked to my boys about all the stuff I did wrong. They forgave me a long time ago, I just couldn't forgive myself. Yesterday at Bible study, the topic was about letting go of the past. Then at work I was talking to one of my friends, telling her she could adopt a baby some day if she didn't want to physically carry one herself. I told her how during the mother's day service, the pastor spoke about the sacrificial love of the mothers who give their children up for adoption. Before Christ, I used to think you had to really not love your child to give it away, but now I know and understand you have to really really love your child to give it away. Then, suddenly, I had one of those God revelations. I used to think I was so selfish and unloving for sending R home to live with my mom for that year, but it was a lie! I sent him home because I loved him so much I wanted what was best for him and it was the right thing to do! I've always known this from an intellectual point of view, but yesterday, it hit my heart and my spirit. There is NO condemnation in Christ! God is so good and patient. He has helped me give up my past for a wonderful future with Him. Glory to God!

051708

2008-05-17T16:54:00.000-04:00

Do you feel like you serve the Lord enough? Most days I wake up and all I want to do is serve the Lord, in any way, in any place. I always wake up with good intentions, but then I get distracted and go about my day without much more thought to what He would have me do for Him. I wake up and pray for opportunities to serve Him, to share the gospel with someone who needs to hear good news. The other day I was walking because I am trying to become fit and healthy. I live in a really upper class town because when I traveled here almost four years ago my company rented me my apartment here. I don't see homeless folks around this town too often because it is too high class and the police do their best to keep out the "riff raff". As I was walking, I noticed a young girl sleeping on a park bench. She was pretty and wasn't too shabby looking and I didn't give her too much thought. I don't know what I was thinking other than she didn't look like a typical homeless person. I went on my way and that was that. Today, I went walking again and I saw the same girl wearing the exact same clothing as the other day. This time she was awake and thumbing through a magazine. I wrote a letter to the Lord this morning and it said:

Dear God,

I really want to be able to answer people, to tell them the reason for the hope in me. Please help me know You so well I can answer the hard questions. Please help me do that with love. There is definitely not enough love in this world. Thank You for waking me. Thank You for loving me the way You do. Please lead me to someone who needs to hear great news! I love You!

<3 m

When I passed this girl, my heart started to race. I kept walking and I prayed for courage because I wanted to speak to her on my way back. When I came back, I walked right up to her and told her I saw her the other day and asked her if she was okay. She insisted she was fine and she is in town visiting friends and just likes to sit at that spot. I listened. I asked her about herself, where she is from, family stuff, job stuff. Everything she told me sounded good, but I just sensed she is not ok and too proud to ask for help. She is just 22. I asked her if she needed any prayer and she smiled and laughed and said no. I also sensed she is a closed book. I told her to be careful and I got up to leave. I started to walk away and turned back with one last thought. "Do you have a pen?" I asked. She did and I gave her my number and told her to call me if she needed anything. She took my name and number politely. I smiled and told her to be careful again and that maybe we could grab a meal. She said maybe we could and that she walks around that spot so I will keep my eyes out for her.

As I walked away, I couldn't help feeling like I didn't do enough for the Lord. I didn't share the gospel at all, but then I remembered my prayer of sharing love. I have the gift of mercy. I love to encourage folks and build them up. I prayed for an opportunity and the Lord led me right to her. I need to stop questioning what I do for the Lord, whether it's good enough or not. I need to remember that He gives us the ability to serve Him in the way He deems fit, for His glory, no matter how big or small the task. I just have to follow His lead and go. My prayer is I made a new friend today and I will see her again and share that meal with her for the glory of God. :)

Blessed! The Miracle of Just Enough

2008-05-16T09:40:00.000-04:00

Do you believe in miracles? I do. Love is a miracle and I have seen plenty of miraculous things in the job that I do. I've witnessed the miracle of healing, the miracle of resurrection and the miracle of being spared. In the last 2 and a half years, since I devoted my life fully to the Lord, I have discovered what some make think is ordinary circumstance, but in my humble opinion is miraculous. It is the miracle of having just enough.

Before Christ, I learned that material wealth is meaningless. It's just stuff. I started learning this when my dad died. Life is far more valuable than stuff. Several years after he died, while I was living in Spain, I had a pretty major car accident. I was with R, who was just 3 years old at the time. I was driving 50 mph and rounded a corner. R asked me a question and I looked at him for just a second and when I looked back to the road, there was a car in my path crossing the intersection! I slammed on the breaks and we crashed into the car. This was the cause of my original back injury that plagues me today. I looked over at R, who was crying and asked,"Mommy, did we crash?" By the grace of God, we all walked away from that accident without major injury. All I cared about was the 3 of us. It was just a stupid car, I could always get another. There have been other various things through the years to help me learn not to be materialistic. There's the old cliche, "when you die you can't take it with you" to contemplate as well. While I learned stuff is unimportant, I didn't learn the opposite of keeping stuff is to give it away. Thankfully, I've learned that since devoting my life to the Lord.

I've learned to give with joy. It started with tithing. I never understood tithing until our pastor taught us from the word of God what it means to tithe. I always thought it was just the church's way of guilting me into supporting them. Now I know that everything I have belongs to God and I would have nothing if He hadn't given it to me. To give back to God is to give to Him what He already owns anyway. It has helped me to learn to trust in Him for my provision. I have learned to give to the poor and I have been more blessed by giving because giving has led to wonderful friendships I would never have had otherwise. I have learned that to give is to be obedient to God and that obeying God leads to blessings from God because He blesses those who follow His commandments.

So what is the miracle of just enough? Before Christ, I used to worry constantly about my paycheck being direct deposited all the time. After Christ, that worry was miraculously gone. I just assumed my checks were there, they had always been there before. I started tithing 10% and when the car would break down I would pray for the bill to be small and get the estimate and discover I had just enough to pay for the repairs. I had a hospital stay in 2006 and shortly after I was at the Refuge and I promised a homeless man I would bring him special food because he had his jaw wired shut from an assault. He needed soft food and protein shakes. The day after I made this promise, I got the hospital bill and my car insurance bill on the same day. They added up to a hefty sum and I cried and asked God what I was going to do. The day after this I went to the store and spent $40 dollars on supplies for the homeless man and I thought I must be crazy when I needed money for those bills. But I made a promise. The day after that, I came home from work and happened to see a commercial that reminded me of an account I had forgotten about for almost 2 years. I thought to myself, "no! could there be money there?" I checked the account and discovered there was just enough money to pay those bills! Most recently, a girl I know was heading to Haiti on a mission trip. I felt led to give her a check for support and I obeyed that leading. I am staying in my current apartment and had to find out if I had enough to make the necessary deposits and pay the rent up front. I found another account that was forgotten and it has just enough for the deposit and first month's rent. While I was worrying about this, I heard the still small voice say, "trust God." Then this week I realized I would be in trouble for the month of July because of starting the new job, paycheck irregularities of a new job and what not. I have had all this in prayer, of course. Yesterday, I checked my account and discovered the government incentive check was direct deposited and now I have just enough to cover the deposit and the first 2 months of rent!

God is good all the time! For those of you who don't know the Lord, this will seem like mere coincidence, but ask anyone who loves the Lord and I'm sure they will be in agreement with me. This is the miracle of just enough!

Philippians 4

10 I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that now at length you have revived your concern for me. You were indeed concerned for me, but you had no opportunity. 11 Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. 12 I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.

Proverbs 30

7 Two things I ask of you;
deny them not to me before I die:
8 Remove far from me falsehood and lying;
give me neither poverty nor riches;
feed me with the food that is needful for me,
9 lest I be full and deny you
and say, "Who is the LORD?"
or lest I be poor and steal
and profane the name of my God.
2 Corinthians 9
6 The point is this: whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. 7 Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. 8 And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work. 9 As it is written,

"He has distributed freely, he has given to the poor;
his righteousness endures forever."

051505

2008-05-15T09:58:00.001-04:00

This is beautiful and something I can relate to as well:

05/14/08
Something Understood
Jill Carattini

"Do you see this woman?" The question confronted me as if it were aimed as
much at me as the guests around the table. Jesus was eating at the house
of a religious man who had invited him to dinner. They were reclining at
the table when a woman who was very easily remembered for her flaws came
stumbling over the dinner guests, making her way to the feet of Jesus.
Weeping over them, she broke a costly vial of perfume, wiping his feet dry
with her hair. Who didn't see her? Who didn't notice her
strange commotion? Who among them didn't immediately recognize how out of
place she really was? Yet he asks, "Do you see this woman?" (Luke 7:44).
Apparently, Jesus saw something the rest did not.

The late seventeenth century poet George Herbert once described prayer in
a detailed list of stirring metaphors. Among the first lines, prayer is
described as "the soul in paraphrase, heart in pilgrimage." At those
words I cannot help but picture the woman lying prostrate at Christ's
feet. As she poured out the perfume, so she poured out her soul. Her
prayer was one without words, her worship spilled out as tears upon his
feet. Onlookers saw a sinful woman, and an extravagant waste. Jesus saw
a heart in pilgrimage, a prayer understood.

I remember the first time I was unapologetically honest with God; my head
was bowed but my hands were metaphorically pounding against his chest. In
silent reflection, I shouted internally. I told God I was jealous.
Everyone around me seemed to be experiencing the still, small voice, the
gentle touch of a Father’s hand, the assurance of God’s glory and power,
the confirmation of a hope and a future. But I couldn't feel God’s
presence, or hear God’s voice. I had more questions and uncertainty than
answers and assurance. It seemed as though I was relating to an empty
throne. Like an attention-starved child, I yelled at God for existing,
for forgetting to love me, for failing to understand.

In Herbert's list of words, my prayer this day was perhaps more fitting
"reversed thunder" or "Christ-side-piercing spear.” My words pled for the
presence of God, for the love and will of a good creator in my life, for
complete access to the loving Father I believed was real. But what I was
asking for sharply--and quite irreverently--required the death of the
Father’s innocent Son. I spoke in ignorance and in anger, making claims
like Job without understanding. I was not as interested in hearing at
that point as I was in shouting. But God heard. Responding to my
interrogation, God revealed my true question. I was tired of being the
stepchild, and yet I had been keeping the Father in my mind as something
more like a distant uncle. Seeing me, God showed me what I did not see.

"Do you see this woman?" Jesus asked as the others were questioning her
resolve and reputation. "I tell you, her many sins have been
forgiven--for she has loved much" (Luke 7:47). In the story that calls
our hearts and eyes to attention, we find that the woman not only saw God
when others did not, but more significantly, God saw her when others did
not. Pouring out all she had at the feet of Christ, weeping at the sight
of her massive debt in the face of an innocent man, her silent prayer was
interpreted, and answered. Then Jesus lifted her head and said to her,
"Your sins are forgiven" (7:48).

Fittingly, George Herbert concludes his grand description of prayer as
"something understood." At the feet of God, our broken words and hobbling
metaphors are translated. Whether we know what we mean or what we say, God
hears and knows and translates our own hearts to ourselves. Our tears and
our groans come before the throne of a Father where we are heard and
lifted as children understood.

Jill Carattini is senior associate writer at Ravi Zacharias
International Ministries in Atlanta, Georgia.

051408

2008-05-14T09:54:00.001-04:00

My head is one big jumble of thoughts and worries and concerns this week. I think it is the stress of a new job looming. Even though this is a great thing, it is still a stressful thing. Good stress is equally as upsetting to the body as bad stress. I think the problem with stress is it takes my focus off of the Lord and puts it on myself and my situation. I am one of those people who believes the old cliche, "all things come in threes". I'm sure you know the cliche I speak of. So here are my 3 things: the unexpected surgery, the unexpected back injury, and the expected and highly anticipated new job. And then throw in the side of spending a month with my mom and her leaving as the icing on the 3 layer cake and you can see the recipe of this stressed out season in my life. I have been praying to be filled with the Spirit and to be able to keep my eyes on Jesus because I become so distracted by my circumstances. The only thing that should matter to me is obedience to the Lord and I confess I have been downright disagreeable and obstructive, particularly at work. I have been in a state of self-pity. I realize I need to get my eyes off myself and onto the Lord. I get up every morning and I have a routine. I take the dogs out. I take all the pills, currently 8-10, for the day. I write a letter to the Lord. I read from my daily Bible, ESV. I read various devotions, "My Utmost for His Highest", The Pocket Testament League, The Active Word. I check my email. The rest of my day goes on and I get easily distracted. I think about the Lord almost the whole day. I get distracted and then I shake my head clear and focus on Him again. Today's "My Utmost for His Highest" really spoke to me:

The Habit of Enjoying Adversity

We have to develop godly habits to express what God’s grace has done in us. It is not just a question of being saved from hell, but of being saved so that "the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our body." And it is adversity that makes us exhibit His life in our mortal flesh. Is my life exhibiting the essence of the sweetness of the Son of God, or just the basic irritation of "myself" that I would have apart from Him? The only thing that will enable me to enjoy adversity is the acute sense of eagerness of allowing the life of the Son of God to evidence itself in me. No matter how difficult something may be, I must say, "Lord, I am delighted to obey You in this." Instantly, the Son of God will move to the forefront of my life, and will manifest in my body that which glorifies Him.

You must not debate. The moment you obey the light of God, His Son shines through you in that very adversity; but if you debate with God, you grieve His Spirit (see Ephesians 4:30 ). You must keep yourself in the proper condition to allow the life of the Son of God to be manifested in you, and you cannot keep yourself fit if you give way to self-pity. Our circumstances are the means God uses to exhibit just how wonderfully perfect and extraordinarily pure His Son is. Discovering a new way of manifesting the Son of God should make our heart beat with renewed excitement. It is one thing to choose adversity, and quite another to enter into adversity through the orchestrating of our circumstances by God’s sovereignty. And if God puts you into adversity, He is adequately sufficient to "supply all your need" ( Philippians 4:19 ).

Keep your soul properly conditioned to manifest the life of the Son of God. Never live on your memories of past experiences, but let the Word of God always be living and active in you.

I really want to learn this habit. I think I have a long way to go. I just thank God for His long suffering and unconditional love!

Blessed! 051008

2008-05-10T09:49:00.000-04:00

It's been an exhausting, exhilarating, exciting week. I put my mom on a train to go home and thankfully she got there in one piece and even had a good time. I went to the doctor, again, and now my blood pressure is under control so I can take NSAIDS for the pain in my left leg due to the sciatic nerve injury. I am down to 4 weeks at my current job and it's a good thing because I am the proverbial camel waiting for the last straw. I was approved to take over the lease of the current apartment we live in, the best part is I will be able to afford the up front costs! We will be living like the Japanese of the last century because the company will be taking their furniture back on 0609 (they provide furnished apartments to travelers). R came home on Tuesday carrying a mystery piece of furniture and said, "I found a TV stand for you in the trash by R+C's house."! When he went back to work, he called to tell me, "I found 2 beds for you. My boss is getting all new furniture and said you could have 2 of his beds."! On Thursday at work, I was telling A about all the plans coming up in the next month and my need for furniture and she offered me a sofa for free! God is sooo good! He is totally supplying for my every need! I am amazed and blown away with all He does for me! Thank You Jesus!

050808

2008-05-08T13:50:00.001-04:00

Do you know the names of your great-grandparents? I was watching a program on TBN late last night and the narrator asked this question (I don't generally watch TBN because of all the prosperity preachers, which I don't agree with, but late night does have some good programming). I don't know the names of mine. The narrator said that most people don't. I think it made a very good commentary to the scriptures that life is but a vapor and a generation goes and a generation comes and there is no remembrance of former things, from Ecclesiastes. So why do people strive to be remembered? When you think of all the history of the world you learned growing up, do you realize it is just a tiny fraction of the whole? This part of life is a vapor. We have a whole eternity to spend after this life. Don't you want to spend it with the Creator of heaven and earth? My prayer is for all people to search for the One true and living God, Jesus Christ, who died for our sins and paid our fine so we could have heaven and spend eternity with God.

050508

2008-05-05T10:39:00.000-04:00

Dear God,

My mommy went home today. I confess I am quite sad about her departure. She is traveling by train and will arrive in Philadelphia tomorrow morning. Please go with her and get her there safely. What was I thinking when I moved 1200 miles away from my family? It was such a selfish move on my part. Yet, I know it was planned by You because it was here in Florida I was saved. My house is so quiet now. How am I ever going to have the strength to live alone when it's just me? I also confess I am getting worried about finding a place to live in time for the end of my contract in 5 weeks and having enough money to get started. You know I'm not much of a saver. Forgive me for not having enough faith. I know You have a plan for my life. I know I shouldn't be worried about tomorrow because tomorrow will take care of itself. I know I am never alone because You are there and You won't leave me or forsake me. Please fill me with Your peace. Please wipe away my tears. Please forgive me for being far away from You. I love You! I worship You! I adore You! I know You understand my sorrow. Please help me recover from this sadness quickly. Please help me stay on the road You have laid before me. Please give me the strength to serve You and represent You, bringing glory to Your name. I love You Jesus. Thank You for hearing my prayers. Thank You for answering my prayers.

love, Michelle

Blessed!

2008-05-03T12:20:00.001-04:00

Well I made it through another year and am now half way to 90. Woohoo! The pain in my leg, which is due to a sciatic nerve injury, is getting better little by little. This is week 3. I am going into week 4. I have a doctor's appointment scheduled for Monday because I can't take any more motrin because it increases my blood pressure. This will be the third doctor's visit in 3 weeks. How can I be blessed throughout suffering? A good friend of mine sent me this scripture :

Job 19:25-26

25For I know that my Redeemer lives,

and at the last he will stand upon the earth.

26And after my skin has been thus destroyed,

yet in my flesh I shall see God,

and here is the verse of the day from Bible Gateway :

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.”- Romans 12:12

I am learning to be patient and it is not an easy thing to learn.

Tomorrow is my mommy's last day with us here in Florida. She is heading back to Pennsylvania by train Monday morning. My family has been tremendously blessed by her visit. My boys adore her and so do I. I think she had a good time despite all my injuries. Life is not the same without her around. I have great kids. My older son is pretty into doing his own thing, so when he does something for me I feel blessed because it takes effort for him. My younger son is painfully honest. I know he'll tell me the truth about his life, even if it means he is in trouble.

I am blessed because the Maker of heaven and earth calls me His daughter, even when I'm complaining. God is good all the time!

042908

2008-04-29T11:17:00.001-04:00

From A Slice of Infinity:

The Church of Negativity
Jill Carattini

It was a worship service gone awry. We had gathered to celebrate the
person of Christ, but in the end it seemed we were more celebrating words
void of life. I cannot recall the name of the church, the denomination it
was a part of, or even what the sermon was about. I only remember the
rabbit trail that led us down a darkened hole of condemnation. From body
piercings and baggy pants to homosexuals and liberals, the list was long,
the frustration clear, and the rationale was fired with as much passion as
the targets that had been chosen: “For we recognize that hell is a fearful
reality, and that many--maybe even those near to you--will find it their
final place of unrest.”

“Amen!” the person in front of me called out. “Yes, amen,” said several
others in agreement.

My heart sunk further into my soul than I knew was even possible. Did
they know that “Amen!” means “Let it be”?

A great deal of time has passed since this experience, and yet,
remembering it still brings shivers down my spine and a bad taste to my
mouth. But what I once remembered only as a particular worship service in
a particular city on a particular Sunday afternoon, I now remember as an
illustration of the worship service I am all too capable of leading. When
I allow myself to cling more to negativity than to Christ, when I cherish
words of death more than words of life, when I spend more time complaining
about what is wrong with the church than putting energy into being
the church, this is exactly the worship experience I recreate--and there
are far too many voices willing to shout “amen” at the end of each of my
sermons. Christianity in many circles has become synonymous with
negativity.

In his sermon "The Weight of Glory," C.S. Lewis took note of a subtle
shift in the language of his day, which he felt was the first detour in a
road leading far away from Christ. Writes Lewis, "If you asked twenty
good men today what they thought the highest of the virtues, nineteen of
them would reply, Unselfishness. But if you had asked almost any of the
great Christians of old, he would have replied, Love. You see what has
happened? A negative term has been substituted for a positive, and this
is of more than philosophical importance."(1) He goes on to explain the
ideologies that grow out of subtle shifts of language. The positive
answer requires a perspective that looks outward at others--those who are
the recipients of the virtue or else the one from whom this virtue arises
in the first place--whereas the negative virtue shows that our concern is
primarily with ourselves--our own self-denial--and hence the
appearance of good virtue. To this Lewis notes, "The New Testament
has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in
itself." To put this in terms for the subject at hand: Scripture has lots
to say about what is wrong with the world. But thankfully, this is never
the end of the sermon. (And of course, both the Old and New Testaments
have a lot to say about complaining.)

It is very true that we live in a world that is full of philosophical
pitfalls, bad behavior, and theology with which we could rightfully see
fault. But so it is full of the glory of God. So why are we at times
more excited to see fault than to see faith? Why are we so quick to
complain and so lamentably slow at showing the world our reason to be more
fully alive and authentically graceful? The same scripture that tells us
to defend our faith tells us to do so with gentleness and reverence--so
that those who abuse you for “your good conduct in Christ” may be
put to shame (1 Peter 3:15-16). The same scripture that bids us to do all
things “without complaining and arguing” instructs us to do so because it
is by our “holding fast to the word of life” that we demonstrate we
are truly holding onto a different message than that of a crooked and
perverse generation (Philippians 2:14-16). Moreover, the same apostle who
died to defend the person of Christ called us to stay focused on the
kind of person Christ is: “For the Son of God, Jesus Christ, whom
we proclaimed among you, Silvanus and Timothy and I, was not ‘Yes and No’;
but in him it is always ‘Yes.’ For in him every one of God’s promises is a
‘Yes.’ For this reason it is through him that we say the ‘Amen,’ to the
glory of God” (2 Corinthians 1:19-20).

In the worship services we create with our words and actions, with the
things we do and the things we leave undone, might there be good reason
for those around us to say “Amen.”

This really spoke to me because I look around and see so much negativity in the body of Christ. There are far too many people in the body who consider themselves to be the "defenders" of the faith. They make it their business to point out all the "bad" theology of others. They say they are the "watchdogs" of the faith. I don't have a problem with someone warning me that a person's theology might be wrong, but it seems like these folks don't just do that. They go far beyond warning to cutting people down and getting into huge critical arguments with folks they deem to be "heretics". I guess my question is, who is it that made them the "watchdog"? If God is sovereign, does He really even need them to be "watchdogs". I, for one, find the ONLY watchdog I need is the Holy Spirit. He is the one who gives me discernment to know truth from lie. I don't need a man to tell me what is true or false. I have the word of God and I have His Holy Spirit. I also have faith that the Lord will be the judge of all those people who tried to deceive us into false thinking. I also know that I am the only person who has to be accountable for my actions. You don't have to be accountable for my actions. I think life would be so much better if we worried about our own actions and were accountable to God everyday for how we are serving Him, than worrying about what everybody else is doing. The only thing that matters is my relationship with the Lord, serving Him, praying for the deceived to receive their sight, speaking the truth in love that Jesus Christ is Lord. He died to save us from our sins. He rose again to sit at the right hand of the Father. He said to go and make disciples. He did not say, go and tear each other down.

Blessed!

2008-04-26T20:56:00.000-04:00

Well it's been a long week. I went back to work and have all those challenges to face again, but I am blessed with a new outlook knowing it really is all temporary. I have been suffering incredible pain due to the curb incident of almost 2 weeks ago now, but I am blessed in being closer to the Lord as cry to Him in my suffering. I have finally figured out how to drive the car without being in excruciating pain. I know God will heal this injury. I know God will heal this injury. I know God will heal this injury. Today was the giant outreach day at the church and over 1000 people came out to share the love of Christ with people who are suffering all sorts of the things that are far worse than even what I am suffering and I am blessed to have found such an awesome church, full of folks who love the Lord as much as I do. Over 200 people gave their lives to the Lord on this wonderful day and it's all thanks to Him and His glory! God is good all the time. All the time God is good! I am blessed because I have my mommy here with me for one more week and she came to church with me today and heard the word. I am blessed because I know the Lord will redeem her. I know the Lord will grant her repentance. I know the Lord will save her! I am blessed because despite the pain I know my Savior lives! I know my Savior loves me and I know He is interceeding on my behalf. Thank You Jesus!

042308

2008-04-23T11:33:00.000-04:00

This is from A Slice of Infinity:

Puddles, Rivers, and Waterfalls
Jill Carattini

In his book River Out of Eden, Oxford scientist Richard Dawkins
explains, "The universe we observe has precisely the properties we should
expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil and no good,
nothing but blind, pitiless indifference."(1) In a similar vein, Dawkins
praises the humorous rejoinder of Douglas Adams to arguments that claim an
apparent order and purpose in the universe. Writes Dawkins, "To illustrate
the vain conceit that the universe must be somehow preordained for us
because we are so well suited to live in it, [Adams] mimed a wonderfully
funny imitation of a puddle of water, fitting itself snugly into a
depression in the ground, the depression uncannily being exactly the same
shape as the puddle."(2) Their claim is clear: Humanity has adapted to a
blind and indifferent universe like water to the shape of its container.
It is perhaps a claim that at times lingers suggestively in the desolate
places of life and mind.

Ernest Gordon, too, may have at one time agreed. An officer of the
British army during the Second World War, he was captured by the Japanese
while at sea. At the age of 24, he was sent to work in the prison camp
that would be constructing the Burma-Siam railroad.

For every mile of track, 393 men are said to have died. Wearing nothing
but loincloths, they worked for hours in scorching temperatures, chopping
their way through tangled jungles. Those who paused out of exhaustion
were beaten to death by guards. Treated like animals, the prisoners
became themselves like beasts trying to survive. Adapting to their harsh
captivity, theft was as rampant as disease among them. Gordon himself
eventually became so weak from illness that he was removed from the common
camp and placed in the Death House. He describes his purposeless existence
in that cruel and indifferent setting: "I was a prisoner of war, lying
among the dead, waiting for the bodies to be carried away so that I might
have more room."(3)

Each night the Japanese guards would count the work tools before anyone
was permitted to return to camp. One evening, when a shovel was found to
be missing, a guard shouted relentlessly that the guilty man must present
himself. When no one responded, he ordered callously, "All die! All
die!" At this, a young man stepped forward, confessing to the theft, and
was immediately killed before them.

The railroad prison camp by the River Kwai was a place where many could
have observed in horror that “the universe has precisely the properties we
should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no God
watching over those in dire need of hope." Like water conforming to the
shape of its container, the captured men became like men fighting to
survive, void of right and wrong, void of reverence for life, void of all
meaning. Yet, amidst the stagnant waters of hatred and bitterness,
something was astir.

After the incident with the shovel, upon returning to the camp, one of the
guards discovered a mistake in their counting. There had never been a
missing shovel. The young man that stepped forward was innocent; he had
sacrificed his life to preserve the lives of his fellow inmates. After
this incident, attitudes among the camp began to change dramatically.
Instead of men in a detached game of survival of the fittest, they began
to look out for each other. One of the men remembered the words of
Scripture: "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life
for his friends." Gordon, who once lay forgotten for dead, was slowly
nursed back to health by fellow prisoners. Fully recovered, he eventually
became a makeshift chaplain of the camp. When the prison was liberated in
1945--three years after his capture--Gordon entered seminary to become a
minister of the message of Jesus Christ. "Faith thrives where there is no
hope but God," he later testified. How contrary to the words of Richard
Dawkins.

The transformation in the men of the prison was so thoroughly unlike the
world they were forced to live in that one could argue it was more like a
waterfall defying gravity and moving upstream than a puddle naturally
fitting into the crevice that holds it. The sacrifice of one innocent man
can reverse the flow of history. Perhaps the kingdom of God is indeed
among us, a spring of living water in a dry and weary land.

I don't know how the atheist can live and thrive in this world. Before Christ when I thought there was even a remote chance that God was not real, I was left in such a state of hopelessness, all I wanted to do was die. "If there is no God", I thought, "what is the point of living?" This was the state of mind I was in right before my blessed Savior rescued me from the pit of despair. I wanted to die every single day. If there is no heaven, if there is no God, what reason is there to live? Thank God He gave me my sight back! This weekend our church is having a giant outreach day. The pastor spoke about how to be involved. He exhorted folks who are afraid to serve because they don't know enough about God and are afraid to answer the hard questions of the skeptics. He said, "can you tell them how before Christ you were blind, but now you see? Can you tell them once you were lost, but now you are found?" People can try to refute the Bible all they want, they can't refute your personal experience.

So my friends, let me just tell you I once was lost, but now I'm found. I once was blind, but now I see. Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!!!

042208

2008-04-22T13:05:00.000-04:00

God spoke to me in a dream 2 nights ago. He rarely speaks to me in dreams, so I remembered the dream. I was at somebody's home for a wedding or a celebration and somebody told me to read "revolution", which I thought they meant to say Revelation, to find something to say to the bride. I opened my Bible to Revelation to read and the words on the pages started to melt and disintegrate. I paged through the whole Bible and watched the words all melt away until the only book left was James. And then I woke up. It was just so weird. I immediately jumped out of bed and grabbed my Bible to read the book of James. I've read this book before, several times in fact. But this time it blessed me immensely because it just spoke to me about so much of the stuff I've been dealing with lately, physical, emotional stuff. So I am going to post some of the verses that spoke to me, God spoke to me. He is so good to me and I love Him immensely!

James 1

2 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trialsof various kinds, 3for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. 4And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

Boy have I had trials lately!

James 1

12 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. 13Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God," for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one.

I was wondering, for a second, if all my troubles were from God.

James 4

7Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.

I am back to work now and nothing has changed there. I get into that place and it brings out the old me. It's terrible. I can't seem to figure out how to separate myself from the world and yet be in the world as a witness to Christ. The above verses resounded in my head over and over, particularly, Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. I keep forgetting that we have a real enemy who loves to attack us and bring us away from the Lord.

James 4

13Come now, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit"— 14yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. 15Instead you ought to say, "If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that." 16As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. 17 So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

This reminded me not to be so set on "my" plans that I forget the Lord already has plans for my life. I'm currently transitioning to a new job and I have to find a place to live. I'm worrying about what will happen in the next 2 months when I should be remembering that God's plan is already set for my life and I just have to walk in His plan. This dream that led me to the book of James was astounding. This book is so edifying to me and it's full of the exhortation I need to keep going and persevering. I feel as if the Lord spoke to me to encourage me to hang in and persevere and keep going. He is good all the time! Thank You Jesus!

Blessed!

2008-04-19T14:03:00.001-04:00

This was my third week off and I am ready to go back to work. I feel really good as far as recovering from surgery goes. This past Monday, we went for ice cream and I wasn't looking where I was going and fell off the curb and wrenched my back pretty badly. Now I am dealing with sciatic inflammation like I've never had before. I ended up finding a new family physician and he injected my sacroiliac joint with a combination of steroids, lidocaine, and marcaine. It is slowly getting better and I don't think it hurts as much as the abdominal pain I had 2 weeks ago.

I've decided that now is the time to try to become more fit. I need to lose 30 pounds. I haven't done anything in the way of exercise in a really long time and it's time for me to change that, so this week I started walking again and I am counting my calories. I am eating 1500 calories or less a day. I'm pretty sure I was eating 2000-5000 calories a day before! The key to weight loss is to never stop watching your caloric intake. I have already lost 5 pounds. :) I feel confident with the Lord's help, I'll be able to get into better shape. He gave me the strength to stop drinking and smoking, He'll give me the strength for this.

Today, we went to see the bodies exhibition in Ft Lauderdale. I really liked it, but then again I love anatomy and physiology and I am a surgical nurse so I get to see the inside of the body everyday. Galen and my mom thought is was gross but interesting. :) I'm the only person in my whole family that isn't skeeved by blood and guts.

All in all, things couldn't be better. I have an awesome family, both in blood and in Christ. I have a roof over my head, a job I like, and food on the table. Thanks to the Lord, my perspective is different. I am able to see the good in all the circumstances of my life, whether they are good or bad. I am so thankful to Him for that. Before Christ, this situation would have had me in total despair and depression, but not now! I owe Him everything! I have peace I never had before and for that I will be eternally grateful!!! This reminds me of what the apostle Paul says in:

2 Corinthians 4:8-10

8We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; 9persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; 10 always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.

Thank You Jesus for my life!

041708

2008-04-17T18:54:00.000-04:00

The following is from A Slice of Infinity:

Giving and Taking What is God’s
Ravi Zacharias

When I was about 12 or 13 years old, I was asked by our Sunday School
teacher if I would be willing to play Joseph in the Nativity mime. I was
on the verge of saying no to this request, for most of the Christmas story
was hidden under the weight of ceremony for me and I really did not know
what all that meant. But then I was told what I would need to do.
Basically, I would walk Mary to the altar with her arm in mine, stand
there, turn around, have her put her arm in mine, and then walk out. No
words, no theological insight, no big acting skill needed. When I met who
was going to play Mary, I decided this would be quite a thrill.

I arrived at the church early and was walking around with time to kill.
At the altar, I happened upon a silver bowl with wafers in it on a table.
Having very little knowledge of what this could be, I took a handful of
those wafers and enjoyed them as I admired all the great art and statuary
in that fine cathedral. Suddenly I saw the vicar coming out of the vestry
and walking straight towards me. I politely greeted him and continued my
enjoyment of the biscuits in hand. He stopped, stared, and quite out of
control, shouted, “What are you doing?” As surprised by his outburst as
he was at my activity, I said, “I am Joseph in the Nativity mime.” That
evidently was not what he was asking. “What is that in your hand?” he
demanded. As he stared me down from head to toe, he could see that there
were more in my pocket, too. I received the most incomprehensible
tongue-lashing to which I had ever been subjected. The word that he kept
repeating was the word “sacrilege.” I chose never to check out its
meaning for I was sure this was the end of the line for me, having done
something I did not even know how to pronounce.

Years later, I could not help but chuckle when I was reading G. Campbell
Morgan’s definition of sacrilege. He said that it is normally defined as
taking something that belongs to God and using it profanely. We all know
the instance in the book of Daniel when Belshazzar took the vessels in the
temple and used it for his night of carousing and blasphemy. That was a
sacrilegious use. But sacrilege, said Morgan, does not only consist of
such profane use. In its worst form, it consists of taking something and
giving it to God when it means absolutely nothing to you.
That was the charge God brought against his people when He said, “You
bring the lame and the blind and the sick as an offering, is this not
evil?” (See Malachi 1:8).

Conversely, giving all that is your best to God is worship at its core.
This cannot be done without the sacrifice of the acclaim and adulation of
the world. If we were to only pause for a few moments and take stock, we
would see how close we all come to sacrilege each day. Do we give God the
best of our time? Do we give God the best of our energies? Do we give God
the best of our thinking? Do we give God the best of our wealth? Do we
give God the best of our dreams and plans? Or does the world get our best
and God merely gets the leftovers? As we look to the days of Pentecost,
remembering the one who came among us, taught us his mission, and then
sent the Spirit to guide us in it, might our lives echo the heartfelt
words of Charles Wesley:

O Thou who camest from above
The pure celestial fire to impart.
Kindle a flame of sacred love
On the mean altar of my heart!

There let it for Thy glory burn
With inextinguishable blaze,
And trembling to its source return
In humble prayer and fervent praise.

Jesus, confirm my heart’s desire
To work and speak and think for Thee;
Still let me guard the holy fire,
And still stir up Thy gift in me.

Ready for all thy perfect will,
My acts of faith and love repeat,
Till death Thine endless mercies seal,
And make the sacrifice complete.(1)

Ravi Zacharias is founder and president of Ravi Zacharias International
Ministries.

I know I fall far short everyday of giving God my all and everything, but lately, I think I'm finally finally learning to accept His grace and love more humbly instead of living in a constant state of guilt for not living up to what I think He wants from me. Does that make sense?

A day in Greynolds park...

2008-04-16T19:02:00.000-04:00

A day in the keys...

2008-04-15T12:18:00.001-04:00

Blessed!

2008-04-12T14:43:00.001-04:00

What an awesome week I've had. God is so good to me and I just love Him so much for how He takes care of me.

1. Made it back to Florida without incident

2. My momma will be here with us for a whole month!

3. My one week vacation has turned into a three week vacation!!!

4. I am not worried about making ends meet because I know the Lord will take care of us!

5. My momma likes to organize and rearrange stuff, so my apartment got a makeover :)

6. I feel better everyday

7. I have a great new job to look forward to

8. We spent the morning in South Beach window shopping together

9. I'm going to church tonight, yay church!

I still can't get over how the Lord, in His perfect timing, orchestrated all the events that have led up to this point. He is so awesome!!! :D

041008

2008-04-10T20:00:00.000-04:00

Enjoy my little family slide show/movie

040808

2008-04-08T20:21:00.001-04:00

I had my follow up yesterday with the surgeon. Apparently I bled a lot and my gallbladder was gangrenous, which is extremely infected and dying, so the surgery was in just the right timing. I won't be able to go to work this week at all and then I have to be restricted to to lifting less than 20 pounds for 3 weeks after that. I have to see if the job will allow me to come back to work on light duty, if not I'm getting a very extended vacation. :) It's one way to get time off, but I don't recommend it. I also have thrombophlebitis in my right arm from the IV, which means the blood vessel got hard and feels very weird. But God is so good because this sickness is in actuality an answer to a very strange prayer I've been praying for months. I've been so tired and exasperated by my current job, I've been asking God to just let me trip and break my ankle or get sick so I could have a break. He answered my prayer! Just be careful what you pray for. ;)

A funny thing happened on the way to being blessed

2008-04-05T09:38:00.000-04:00

I am still in Pennsylvania. I was supposed to leave today to drive back to Florida. But a funny thing happened on the way to this weeks blessings.

1. We got here with only the requisite 6 or 7 traffic jams along I-95.

2. We spent the first 2 nights at my brother's house and had a hard time getting the wood stove to burn the wood. Think little house on the prairie meets the 21st century.

3. It has been Pennsylvania cold for most of the week and we are used to Florida cold, which is more like Pennsylvania summer.

4. We have visited all the family and the cutest nieces and nephews on the planet.

5. I never did make it to the church I wanted to make it to, again. I had planned to go Thursday night.

6. Tuesday night we had KFC at my sister's house. As soon as I ate it, I had terrible indigestion and pain, but it went away after an hour and I was fine the rest of the night. Wednesday morning I had chocolate chip cookies and the pain came back and wouldn't go away. I ended up in the ER and being admitted to the hospital with acute cholecystitis and cholelithiasis, which translates to a gallbladder attack and gallstones. I had surgery Thursday night to remove my gallbladder. But God is good and I know He has a plan for my life and all things work together for good to those who love Him. :) Way to spend spring break! Hahahahaha!

7. I get to spend and extra 3 days with my family now.

8. I have a decreased appetite so maybe I'll lose a couple of pounds.

9. I can't go back to work for at least one week, maybe more.

10. God is faithful and I know He will keep me under His wing during this trial and He will care for me.

Dear God,

Thank You for all that has happened this week. I don't know why this happened or what purpose it will serve in the long run, but I know You were with me the whole time and brought me Your peace because I had absolutely no fear and I know without You I would have been very fearful. Thank You for allowing me the opportunity to meet Russel, the hospital chaplain who anointed me and prayed for me on Thursday. He spoke such comforting words to me that I know came from You and so I know You spoke to me through him. I love You and worship You and praise You and adore You. Please keep me and don't ever let me leave You again! Thank You Jesus! I love You!

Oh How I am Blessed!

2008-03-27T22:52:00.000-04:00

My weekly blessings are coming a day early this week, which is a blessing in itself :)

1. I was offered a job working on the cardiovascular OR team at Broward General Hospital!!!

2. I accepted the above offer!

3. I get to serve the Lord in a brand new job!!!

4. I am going home tomorrow to visit my awesome family!

5. I love road trips!

6. I managed to get through one more week at my current job without losing my mind.

7. I only have 9 weeks left at my current job.

8. I will be working day shift again when I come back from Pennsylvania. :)

9. I am bringing my mom back to Florida with me for a month! :D

I don't know if I will be blogging when I go home. I got the number for the Calvary Chapel in my home town area and I am really looking forward to going and having a church away from home. They have Sunday services and a Thursday evening Bible study. This will be the third time I've tried to find this church, so I know this time will be the charm. I love you all and hope you all have a blessed week. I'll be back in Florida on 04.06.08. See you then. :)

032508

2008-03-25T11:48:00.002-04:00

The beauty of living in Miami is I have spring and summer all year round... and I like it like that... I am heading to Pennsylvania at the end of the week and entering into the actual real spring of which I fear I will be cold because Miami spring is 80 during the day and 60s at night... It's just not the same up there... The Pennsylvania daytime high right now is 50 and the lows are in the 30s... eesh...

032308

2008-03-23T14:45:00.000-04:00

Easter at the Refuge 2008

HE IS RISEN!

2008-03-23T07:38:00.000-04:00

Matthew 28

The Resurrection

1^(A) Now after the Sabbath, toward the dawn of the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and^(B) the other Mary went to see the tomb. 2And behold, there was a great earthquake, for^(C) an angel of the Lord descended from heaven and came and rolled back the stone and sat on it. 3^(D) His appearance was like lightning, and^(E) his clothing white as snow. 4And for fear of him the guards trembled and^(F) became like dead men. 5But the angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. 6He is not here, for he has risen,^(G) as he said. Come, see the place where he^[a] lay. 7Then go quickly and tell his disciples that he has risen from the dead, and behold,^(H) he is going before you to Galilee; there you will see him. See, I have told you." 8So they departed quickly from the tomb^(I) with fear and great joy, and ran to tell his disciples. 9And behold, Jesus^(J) met them and said, "Greetings!" And they came up and^(K) took hold of his feet and^(L) worshiped him. 10Then Jesus said to them, "Do not be afraid;^(M) go and tell^(N) my brothers to go to Galilee, and there they will see me."

The Report of the Guard

11While they were going, behold, some of^(O) the guard went into the city and told the chief priests all that had taken place. 12And when they had assembled with the elders and taken counsel, they gave a sufficient sum of money to the soldiers 13and said, "Tell people,^(P) 'His disciples came by night and stole him away while we were asleep.' 14And if this comes to^(Q) the governor’s ears, we will^(R) satisfy him and keep you out of trouble." 15So they took the money and did as they were directed. And this story has been spread among the Jews^(S) to this day.

The Great Commission

16Now the eleven disciples^(T) went to Galilee, to the mountain to which Jesus had directed them. 17And when they saw him they^(U) worshiped him, but some doubted. 18And Jesus came and said to them, ^(V) "All authority^(W) in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19^(X) Go therefore and^(Y) make disciples of^(Z) all nations,^(AA) baptizing them^(AB) in^[b] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20teaching them^(AC) to observe all that^(AD) I have commanded you. And behold,^(AE) I am with you always, to^(AF) the end of the age."

032208

2008-03-22T11:26:00.001-04:00

Matthew 27

The Guard at the Tomb

62The next day, that is, after the day of^(CL) Preparation, the chief priests and the Pharisees gathered before Pilate 63and said, "Sir, we remember how^(CM) that impostor said, while he was still alive,^(CN) 'After three days I will rise.' 64Therefore order the tomb to be made secure until the third day,^(CO) lest his disciples go and steal him away and tell the people, 'He has risen from the dead,' and the last fraud will be worse than the first." 65Pilate said to them, "You have^(CP) a guard^[j] of soldiers. Go, make it as secure as you can." 66So they went and made the tomb secure by^(CQ) sealing the stone and setting a guard.

Can you imagine that day after the crucifixion, before the resurrection? What must have been going through the minds of the disciples? They must have really felt lost because they hadn't received the baptism of the Holy Spirit yet. Their hopes must have been totally wiped out. I can't help but feel the pain they must have felt, the tremendous loss. But, oh the joy they would feel in just 24 more hours!

Oh How I am Blessed!

2008-03-21T23:18:00.000-04:00

1. On this day long long ago, my Lord and Savior died for my sins so I could have eternal life through Him. Praise God!!!

2. Everyone in my house is healthy this week.

3. I got to help a friend in need who was sick this week.

4. I joined a new internet community to share the light of Christ.

5. I got my passport after only 2 weeks when everybody said it would take 2 months.

6. My kids still call me when they need help.

7. Despite how much it drives me crazy, I have a job.

8. I have awesome friends.

9. The God of all the universe directs my steps. :D

This day of darkness...

2008-03-21T11:56:00.001-04:00

Matthew 27

Jesus Delivered to Pilate

1^(A) When morning came, all the chief priests and the elders of the people^(B) took counsel against Jesus to put him to death. 2And they bound him and^(C) led him away and^(D) delivered him over to^(E) Pilate the governor.

Judas Hangs Himself

3Then when^(F) Judas, his betrayer, saw that Jesus^[a] was condemned,^(G) he changed his mind and brought back^(H) the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders, 4saying, "I have sinned by betraying innocent blood." They said, "What is that to us?^(I) See to it yourself." 5And throwing down the pieces of silver into the temple,^(J) he departed, and he went and hanged himself. 6But the chief priests, taking the pieces of silver, said, "It is not lawful to put them into^(K) the treasury, since it is blood money." 7So they took counsel and bought with them the potter’s field as a burial place for strangers. 8Therefore^(L) that field has been called the Field of Blood^(M) to this day. 9^(N) Then was fulfilled what had been spoken by the prophet Jeremiah, saying,^(O) "And they took the thirty pieces of silver, the price of him on whom a price had been set by some of the sons of Israel, 10and they gave them for the potter’s field, as the Lord directed me."

Jesus Before Pilate

11^(P) Now Jesus stood before the governor, and the governor asked him, "Are you^(Q) the King of the Jews?" Jesus said, ^(R) "You have said so." 12^(S) But when he was accused by the chief priests and elders, he gave no answer. 13Then Pilate said to him,^(T) "Do you not hear how many things they testify against you?" 14But he gave him no answer, not even to a single charge, so that the governor was greatly amazed.

The Crowd Chooses Barabbas

15^(U) Now at the feast the governor was accustomed to release for the crowd any one prisoner whom they wanted. 16And they had then a notorious prisoner called Barabbas. 17So when they had gathered, Pilate said to them, "Whom do you want me to release for you: Barabbas, or^(V) Jesus who is called Christ?" 18For he knew that it was out^(W) of envy that they had delivered him up. 19Besides, while he was sitting on^(X) the judgment seat, his wife sent word to him, "Have nothing to do with^(Y) that righteous man, for I have suffered much because of him today^(Z) in a dream." 20Now the chief priests and the elders persuaded the crowd to^(AA) ask for Barabbas and destroy Jesus. 21The governor again said to them, "Which of the two do you want me to release for you?" And they said, "Barabbas." 22Pilate said to them, "Then what shall I do with Jesus who is called Christ?"^(AB) They all said, "Let him be crucified!" 23And he said, "Why,^(AC) what evil has he done?" But they shouted all the more, "Let him be crucified!"

Pilate Delivers Jesus to Be Crucified

24So when Pilate saw that he was gaining nothing, but rather that^(AD) a riot was beginning, he took water and^(AE) washed his hands before the crowd, saying, "I am innocent of^(AF) this man’s blood;^[b]^(AG) see to it yourselves." 25And all the people answered,^(AH) "His blood be on us and^(AI) on our children!" 26Then he released for them Barabbas, and having^(AJ) scourged^[c] Jesus, delivered him to be crucified.

Jesus Is Mocked

27^(AK) Then the soldiers of the governor took Jesus into the^(AL) governor’s headquarters,^[d] and they gathered the whole^(AM) battalion^[e] before him. 28And they stripped him and put^(AN) a scarlet robe on him, 29and twisting together a crown of thorns, they put it on his head and put a reed in his right hand. And kneeling before him, they^(AO) mocked him, saying, "Hail,^(AP) King of the Jews!" 30And^(AQ) they spit on him and took the reed and struck him on the head. 31And when they had mocked him, they stripped him of the robe and put his own clothes on him and^(AR) led him away to crucify him.

The Crucifixion

32^(AS) ^(AT) As they went out, they found a man of Cyrene, Simon by name. They compelled this man to carry his cross. 33^(AU) And when they came to a place called Golgotha (which means Place of a Skull), 34^(AV) they offered him wine to drink, mixed with^(AW) gall, but when he tasted it, he would not drink it. 35And when they had crucified him,^(AX) they divided his garments among them by casting lots. 36Then they sat down and^(AY) kept watch over him there. 37And over his head they put the charge against him, which read, "This is Jesus,^(AZ) the King of the Jews." 38Then two^(BA) robbers were crucified with him,^(BB) one on the right and one on the left. 39And^(BC) those who passed by^(BD) derided him,^(BE) wagging their heads 40and saying,^(BF) "You who would destroy the temple and rebuild it in three days, save yourself!^(BG) If you are^(BH) the Son of God, come down from the cross." 41So also the chief priests, with the scribes and elders, mocked him, saying, 42^(BI) "He saved others;^(BJ) he cannot save himself.^(BK) He is the King of Israel; let him come down now from the cross, and we will believe in him. 43^(BL) He trusts in God; let God deliver him now, if he desires him. For he said, 'I am the Son of God.'" 44^(BM) And the robbers who were crucified with him also reviled him in the same way.

The Death of Jesus

45Now from the sixth hour^[f] there was darkness over all the land^[g] until the ninth hour.^[h] 46And about the ninth hour Jesus^(BN) cried out with a loud voice, saying, ^(BO) "Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?" that is, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" 47And some of the bystanders, hearing it, said, "This man is calling Elijah." 48And one of them at once ran and took a sponge, filled it with^(BP) sour wine, and put it on a reed and^(BQ) gave it to him to drink. 49But the others said, "Wait, let us see whether Elijah will come to save him." 50And Jesus^(BR) cried out again with a loud voice and^(BS) yielded up his spirit.

51And behold,^(BT) the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. And^(BU) the earth shook, and the rocks were split. 52The tombs also were opened. And many bodies of^(BV) the saints^(BW) who had fallen asleep were raised, 53and coming out of the tombs after his resurrection they went into^(BX) the holy city and appeared to many. 54^(BY) When the centurion and those who were with him,^(BZ) keeping watch over Jesus, saw the earthquake and what took place, they were filled with awe and said,^(CA) "Truly this was the Son^[i] of God!"

55There were also^(CB) many women there, looking on^(CC) from a distance, who had followed Jesus from Galilee,^(CD) ministering to him, 56among whom were^(CE) Mary Magdalene and Mary the mother of James and Joseph and^(CF) the mother of the sons of Zebedee.

Jesus Is Buried

57^(CG) When it was evening, there came a rich man from Arimathea, named Joseph, who also was a disciple of Jesus. 58He went to Pilate and asked for the body of Jesus. Then Pilate ordered it to be given to him. 59And Joseph took the body and wrapped it in a clean linen shroud 60and^(CH) laid it in his own new tomb,^(CI) which he had cut in the rock. And he rolled^(CJ) a great stone to the entrance of the tomb and went away. 61Mary Magdalene and^(CK) the other Mary were there, sitting opposite the tomb.

032008

2008-03-20T13:05:00.000-04:00

Matthew 26

The Plot to Kill Jesus

1When Jesus had finished all these sayings, he said to his disciples, 2^(A) "You know that after two days^(B) the Passover is coming, and^(C) the Son of Man^(D) will be delivered up to be crucified."

3^(E) Then the chief priests and the elders of the people gathered in^(F) the palace of the high priest, whose name was^(G) Caiaphas, 4^(H) and plotted together in order to arrest Jesus by stealth and kill him. 5But they said, "Not during the feast,^(I) lest there be an uproar among the people."

Jesus Anointed at Bethany

6^(J) Now when Jesus was at^(K) Bethany in the house of Simon the leper,^[a] 7a woman came up to him with an alabaster flask of very expensive ointment, and she poured it on his head as he reclined at table. 8And when the disciples saw it, they were indignant, saying, "Why this waste? 9For this could have been sold for a large sum and^(L) given to the poor." 10But^(M) Jesus, aware of this, said to them, "Why do you trouble the woman? For she has done a beautiful thing to me. 11For^(N) you always have the poor with you, but^(O) you will not always have me. 12In pouring this ointment on my body, she has done it^(P) to prepare me for burial. 13Truly, I say to you, wherever^(Q) this gospel is proclaimed in the whole world, what she has done will also be told^(R) in memory of her."

Judas to Betray Jesus

14^(S) Then one of the twelve, whose name was^(T) Judas Iscariot, went to the chief priests 15and said, "What will you give me if I deliver him over to you?" And they^(U) paid him^(V) thirty pieces of silver. 16And from that moment he sought an opportunity^(W) to betray him.

The Passover with the Disciples

17^(X) Now on^(Y) the first day of Unleavened Bread the disciples came to Jesus, saying, "Where will you have us prepare for you to eat the Passover?" 18He said, "Go into the city to a certain man and say to him,^(Z) 'The Teacher says,^(AA) My time is at hand. I will keep the Passover at your house with my disciples.'" 19And the disciples did as Jesus had directed them, and they prepared the Passover.

20^(AB) When it was evening, he reclined at table with the twelve.^[b] 21And as they were eating,^(AC) he said, "Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me." 22And they were very sorrowful and began to say to him one after another, "Is it I, Lord?" 23He answered, ^(AD) "He who has dipped his hand in the dish with me will betray me. 24The Son of Man goes^(AE) as it is written of him, but^(AF) woe to that man by whom the Son of Man is betrayed!^(AG) It would have been better for that man if he had not been born." 25Judas, who would betray him, answered, "Is it I,^(AH) Rabbi?" He said to him, ^(AI) "You have said so."

Institution of the Lord’s Supper

26^(AJ) Now as they were eating, Jesus took bread, and^(AK) after blessing it broke it and gave it to the disciples, and said, "Take, eat;^(AL) this is my body." 27And he took a cup, and when he^(AM) had given thanks he gave it to them, saying, "Drink of it, all of you, 28for^(AN) this is my^(AO) blood of the^[c] covenant, which is poured out for^(AP) many^(AQ) for the forgiveness of sins. 29I tell you I will not drink again of this fruit of the vine until that day when I drink it new with you^(AR) in my Father’s kingdom."

Jesus Foretells Peter’s Denial

30^(AS) And when they had sung a hymn,^(AT) they went out to^(AU) the Mount of Olives. 31Then Jesus said to them, "You will all fall away because of me this night. For it is written, 'I will^(AV) strike the shepherd, and the sheep of the flock will be scattered.' 32But after I am raised up,^(AW) I will go before you to Galilee." 33^(AX) Peter answered him, "Though they all fall away because of you, I will never fall away." 34^(AY) Jesus said to him, "Truly, I tell you, this very night,^(AZ) before the rooster crows, you will deny me three times." 35^(BA) Peter said to him, "Even if I must die with you, I will not deny you!" And all the disciples said the same.

Jesus Prays in Gethsemane

36^(BB) Then Jesus went with them^(BC) to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to his disciples, "Sit here, while I go over there and pray." 37And taking with him^(BD) Peter and^(BE) the two sons of Zebedee, he began to be sorrowful and troubled. 38Then he said to them, ^(BF) "My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and^(BG) watch^[d] with me." 39And going a little farther he fell on his face^(BH) and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let^(BI) this cup pass from me;^(BJ) nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." 40And he came to the disciples and found them sleeping. And he said to Peter, "So, could you not watch with me one hour? 41^(BK) Watch and^(BL) pray that you^(BM) may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." 42Again, for the second time, he went away and prayed, "My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it,^(BN) your will be done." 43And again he came and found them sleeping, for^(BO) their eyes were heavy. 44So, leaving them again, he went away and prayed for^(BP) the third time, saying the same words again. 45Then he came to the disciples and said to them, "Sleep and take your rest later on.^[e] See,^(BQ) the hour is at hand, and^(BR) the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. 46Rise, let us be going; see, my betrayer is at hand."

Betrayal and Arrest of Jesus

47^(BS) While he was still speaking,^(BT) Judas came, one of the twelve, and with him a great crowd with swords and clubs, from the chief priests and the elders of the people. 48Now the betrayer had given them a sign, saying, "The one I will kiss is the man; seize him." 49And he came up to Jesus at once and said, "Greetings,^(BU) Rabbi!" And he kissed him. 50Jesus said to him, ^(BV) "Friend,^(BW) do what you came to do."^[f] Then they came up and laid hands on Jesus and seized him. 51And behold, one of those who were with Jesus stretched out his hand and drew his^(BX) sword and struck the servant^[g] of the high priest and cut off his ear. 52Then Jesus said to him, "Put your sword back into its place. For^(BY) all who take the sword will perish by the sword. 53^(BZ) Do you think that I cannot appeal to my Father, and he will at once send me^(CA) more than twelve^(CB) legions of angels? 54^(CC) But how then should the Scriptures be fulfilled, that it must be so?" 55At that hour Jesus said to the crowds, "Have you come out as against a robber, with swords and clubs to capture me? Day after day^(CD) I sat in the temple^(CE) teaching, and you did not seize me. 56But^(CF) all this has taken place that the Scriptures of the prophets might be fulfilled."^(CG) Then all the disciples left him and fled.

Jesus Before Caiaphas and the Council

57^(CH) Then^(CI) those who had seized Jesus led him to^(CJ) Caiaphas the high priest, where the scribes and the elders had gathered. 58And^(CK) Peter was following him at a distance, as far as^(CL) the courtyard of the high priest, and going inside he sat with^(CM) the guards to see the end. 59Now the chief priests and the whole Council^[h]^(CN) were seeking false testimony against Jesus that they might put him to death, 60but they found none,^(CO) though many false witnesses came forward. At last^(CP) two came forward 61and said, "This man said,^(CQ) 'I am able to^(CR) destroy the temple of God, and to rebuild it in three days.'" 62And the high priest stood up and said, "Have you no answer to make? What is it that these men testify against you?"^[i] 63^(CS) But Jesus remained silent.^(CT) And the high priest said to him,^(CU) "I adjure you by^(CV) the living God,^(CW) tell us if you are^(CX) the Christ,^(CY) the Son of God." 64Jesus said to him, ^(CZ) "You have said so. But I tell you, from now on^(DA) you will see the Son of Man^(DB) seated at the right hand of Power and coming on the clouds of heaven." 65Then the high priest^(DC) tore his robes and said,^(DD) "He has uttered blasphemy. What further witnesses do we need? You have now heard his blasphemy. 66What is your judgment?" They answered,^(DE) "He deserves death." 67Then^(DF) they spit in his face^(DG) and^(DH) struck him. And some slapped him, 68saying, "Prophesy to us, you^(DI) Christ! Who is it that struck you?"

Peter Denies Jesus

69^(DJ) Now Peter was sitting outside^(DK) in the courtyard. And a servant girl came up to him and said, "You also were with Jesus the Galilean." 70But he denied it before them all, saying, "I do not know what you mean." 71And when he went out to the entrance, another servant girl saw him, and she said to the bystanders, "This man was with Jesus^(DL) of Nazareth." 72And again he denied it with an oath: "I do not know the man." 73After a little while the bystanders came up and said to Peter, "Certainly you too are one of them, for^(DM) your accent betrays you." 74Then he began to invoke a curse on himself and to swear, "I do not know the man." And immediately the rooster crowed. 75And Peter remembered the saying of Jesus, ^(DN) "Before the rooster crows, you will^(DO) deny me three times." And he went out and wept bitterly.

031708

2008-03-17T23:44:00.001-04:00

I had an amazing weekend. Saturday I was involved in the Feed the Community outreach. We started at the church and gathered 500 boxes of food. In each box was dry goods, rice, pasta, canned food. Next we went to the neighborhood where the outreach took place. There were approximately 200 folks who volunteered. They divided us up into 6 groups of people and then we split up into teams of 4 people. Each team had the opportunity to deliver 8 boxes of food. My team ended up delivering 4 boxes of food and speaking to 5 families or individuals. We also had the New Testament in English and the Gospel of John in Spanish because it is a mixed culture neighborhood. We were able to pray for and encourage each of the individuals we met. It was truly an awesome day and it was followed up by a huge block party for the neighborhood the next day. Our church has committed to adopting this neighborhood to flood it with the Gospel and see people come to a saving knowledge of jesus Christ! It's such a privilege to be involved in the Lord's work. :)

Sunday I woke up energized and totally excited to go to the Refuge. I missed the previous week due to my little dog having a GI bleed. I'm just so on fire for the Lord the last couple of weeks. He totally blew new life onto the fire in my heart when He spoke to me two weeks ago. I'm waking up with a new sense of purpose, wanting to do my best to serve Him. I'm really discovering my gift of mercy and how it works for me through prayer and encouragement. I don't consider myself to be a "prayer warrior" when it comes to praying for the world in general, but when I get together with people in person who have needs, I've learned how encouraging prayer is for folks. So every Sunday, I usually pick up one or two women to go to the Refuge with me. I picked up one of my friends and she told me what a hard week she had and I said, "let's pray." We got to the Refuge and started talking to a fella about his week and I said, "let's pray." Then I talked to another fella who is finally off drugs and living in a home and I said, "let's pray." What an awesome experience! After church, at Celebrate Recovery, a Christ centered 12 step program I serve at, I gave my testimony and thanked and praised God for all He has led me through to be who I am today. My day ended spending time with one of my best friends and hearing all about the awesome man of God she's met, who she thinks the Lord is leading her to marry. God is so good and He blessed me with the best weekend I've had in ages!

031508

2008-03-15T02:44:00.000-04:00

It's time for weekly blessings :)

1. The Creator of the universe knows my name

2. My little dog Pablo had gastrointestinal bleeding on Sunday and got better

3. I'm really excited about the prospect of a new job and getting to learn new things

4. I got to tell a surgeon (Jewish) I work with that Christ came to fulfill the law and set us free :)

5. The same surgeon didn't tell me to stop talking :)

6. I woke up this morning wanting to connect more with my patients... I don't get to spend a lot of time with patients because they are usually under anesthesia by the time I get to them... I want them to know I am not just the OR nurse who will take care of them, but I am also the person who will pray to the Lord for their health and healing and recovery... I got to share that with one fella today :) He was so appreciative and it helped us connect on a very gratifying level and I thank God I was able to show the love of Christ even briefly... :)

7. I am still at work, but I'm not tired and thanks to God, I am healthy

8. Tomorrow, I will take part in an Easter outreach to feed 500 families in a low income neighborhood... I hope to take photos... I also hope to share the Gospel :)

9. I thank God He has given me more and more courage to share the Gospel :D

10. The Lord has given me an awesome internet ministry!

031308

2008-03-14T00:04:00.001-04:00

Romans 8:28

28 And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

How comforting are these words? I have read or heard this scripture about 6 times in the past 2 days and I know it is the Lord speaking to me. I am finally close enough to the end of my current contract to look for a new job. Looking for that new job comes with some anxiety for me because I have tattoos. A LOT of tattoos and I had a bad experience 4 years ago when I first got to Miami related to a job and my tattoos. So, I love the fact that I "happened" upon this particular scripture the day before an interview. He filled me with His peace through this scripture and I know He helped me through the interview. He restored to me confidence I lost 4 years ago. The interview went great, all thanks to God, and they actually asked me if I was interested in 2 different positions even though I only applied for one position! I am so excited about the prospect of this new opportunity to serve the Lord in a new venue. I will keep you posted as to how this journey moves forward. God is good all the time! All the time, God is good!!

031208

2008-03-12T11:39:00.000-04:00

The following is from A slice of Infinity and it got me thinking about how God loves me like a father or even a mother. When I was little and would be sick, all I wanted was my mother. I knew she couldn't take away my sickness, but I could crawl into her lap or lay up next to her and feel like things would be okay and that was enough. To see the Lord as my Father who comforts me in times of trouble, to know He could fix things, to crawl into Him and feel like things will be okay is enough. He is with me wherever I go. He is with me through all my trouble, to crawl up close to Him. He is enough.

03/11/08
Three Questions
Margaret Manning

There are certain questions I come to expect now. After almost 10 years in
ministry, there is only slight variation on wording or turn of phrase. I
don’t even have to guess what might be asked of me anymore, for I know the
questions before they are even asked. Is there a God? Does God care about
me? If so, why does God allow suffering?

For many, these questions are intellectual pursuits that need to be
answered for constructing a sound apologetic. For others, however, the
questions come from the deepest places of the heart. They come because of
personal experience with suffering of one form or another. When the
fervent prayers of righteous men and women do not prevent the cancer from
spreading, or the child from dying, or the plane from crashing, or the
marriage from failing, the questions come like water bursting through the
dam. Is God really there? Does God even care? If God cares about me,
then why doesn’t God do something about the pain?

Unfortunately, these questions are not unique to my ministry or my
generation. They have been asked for millennia. The technical term for
the problem of suffering is called theodicy. Theodicy is a word
invented in the seventeenth century by Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz, one of
the great intellectual thinkers of the Enlightenment period.(1) Theodicy
attempts to explain how and why there can be suffering in the world if God
is all-powerful and loving. In trying to solve this problem, some thinkers
have denied the omnipotence of God; God is all-loving, but not able to do
anything about suffering. Others dispense of the notion that God is
all-loving, at least in any conventional understanding. But if God is not
love, then God is not God.

Yet beyond the intellectual wrangling over this problem, the experience of
suffering in light of both the goodness and power of God has caused many to
doubt God, and others to walk away from faith altogether. If God does not
prevent suffering, and if God does not care about the sufferer, then God
does not exist in any meaningful way.

The writers of Scripture wrestled with these questions too. Often, they
provided different ways of answering these questions. Some believed that
suffering resulted from sin. Others believed that God causes suffering
as a form of punishment. Still others asserted that suffering brings
redemption.(2)

In Mark’s gospel, a simple story about a boat caught in a terrible storm
provides an altogether different answer framed around three questions.
When evening had come, Jesus and his disciples got into a boat, most
likely on the Sea of Galilee, in order to “go over to the other side”
(Mark 4:35-41). In the course of their travel, a fierce storm arose
suddenly and violently. It was so intense that the waves were not only
breaking over the boat, but the boat was filling with water and on the
verge of sinking. Jesus, asleep in the stern of the boat, Mark tells us,
was resting soundly when the disciples roused him with their fearful,
first question: “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” Jesus
doesn’t answer their question, but instead answers the wind and the waves,
“Peace, be still.” His exhortation to the natural elements of wind and
water was nevertheless intended for the disciples as well, for he returns
their question with a second question: “Why are you afraid? Have you no
faith?” To which the disciples reply to one another with the ultimate
question, “Who then is this, that even wind and sea obey him?”

For some reason, we think that because Jesus is in the boat with us,
suffering will not come our way. But suffering does come, and the wind
roars around us and the sky turns black, and the storm of all storms
appears to envelop us in darkness and terror. Jesus, don’t you care
that we are perishing becomes an incredulous statement because we
think as Christians we are somehow immune from the troubles of life. But
Jesus’s answer reminds us that faith does not insulate us from life’s
storms. Indeed, as Craig Barnes has written “Faith...has little to do
with our doctrines or even with our belief that Jesus could come up with a
miracle if he would only pay attention. Faith has everything to do with
seeing that we have the Savior on board”(3)

In the midst of our questions about suffering, there is Jesus in the storm
of doubt, in the tempest of despair, in the gale of defeat, resting calmly
in the assurance of God’s care in the storm. His presence with the
disciples in the storm tells us more about who he is--neither removed from
suffering, nor always preventing suffering--then why we suffer. After
all, that’s the more important question to answer: “Who then is this,
that even the wind and the sea obey him?”

And like the disciples, we too can be filled with awe and wonder at the
God “of all creation who does not explain everything and is
mysterious--too mysterious to fit our formulas for better living...and who
brings mystery into our lives because we do not know how God will
intervene.”(4) As you ask your questions, may you also hear his answer:
“Peace, be still.”

Margaret Manning is associate writer at Ravi Zacharias International
Ministries in Atlanta, Georgia.

030708

2008-03-07T23:20:00.001-05:00

My friend over at the Good News blog posted what his blessings are this week and I like this idea so much I thought I would post mine as well. :)

1. The Lord keeps waking me up everyday and filing me with the breath of life, despite all my flaws.

2. My boys were sick this week, giving me the opportunity to be their nurse, not that their sickness was a good thing for them.

3. My boys are feeling much better today.

4. I was reminded of my dream of being a world wide missionary from several different sources today that I just happened to come across all in one day.

5. I have a close personal relationship with the Lord of the universe!

6. I have an awesome family, both in real life and virtual life!

7. The Lord has filled me with new strength and compassion.

8. Wherever I go, the Lord goes with me.

9. I'm going to heaven!

030408

2008-03-04T23:28:00.001-05:00

Today, I heard the still small voice of God. I have been seriously praying about ministry. I am involved in a ministry for the homeless. For weeks now I have been really tired and debating my involvement in this ministry. Should I stay? Should I go? There have been a bunch of things that have happened that are very discouraging. Sometimes I just don't see that my involvement makes any difference. You know how you are involved in a job and know that if you left that job that everything would go on just fine without you, as if you had never been there in the first place? Life goes on and stuff? I find myself wondering if it's this or an attack? So at work today we were talking about Iraq, the war. One of the girls I work with was telling us about a kid who came back. He's suffering from PTSD. I then told her about the time my ex broke into my house and how I thought he was going to kill me and how I had nightmares for years. That was just from one traumatic event. How do we even begin to understand what war does to a person? We talked a bit more and I told her how love would be the answer for him. He needs to be seriously loved to come back to real life. I told her how now I have Jesus Christ and because of Him I have a heart for broken people, to be His hands and feet and heart and voice to love them the way He would. She was polite and agreed with everything I said and as I walked away, the still small voice said, "see? this is why you are at the refuge." I can't argue with the Holy Spirit now can I? He's too convincing. Glory to God! :D

030108 again

2008-03-01T23:36:00.000-05:00

A pastor friend of mine wrote me a comment over on myspace in regard to my post from 022608 saying :

God has made some of us like Peter, be who God made you to be. Whoever that person is, is who and what God needs for his kingdom, and for you. Blessings.

I so appreciated his encouragement. Then I was over at Sola Dei Gloria's blog that was taken from The Old Time Gospel and found this :

The Broken Pot

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on an end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, and while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water at the end of the long walk from the stream to the masters house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his masters house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do. After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream.

"I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you."
"Why?" asked the bearer. "What are you ashamed of?"

"I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your masters house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don't get full value from your efforts." the pot said. The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, "As we return to the masters house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path."

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the Pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of your path, but not on the other pots side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back from the stream, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my masters table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house."

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But if we will allow it, the Lord will use our flaws to grace His Father's table. In Gods great economy, nothing goes to waste. Don't be afraid of your flaws.

Acknowledge them, and you too can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness your strength is made perfect.
(2 Corinthians 12:9)

God so spoke to me tonight!! He is so merciful and good! I love Him so much

030108

2008-03-01T23:07:00.000-05:00

All this thinking the last couple of days has made me realize I am over thinking everything. I've been writing my prayers to the Lord in a journal for awhile now because writing helps me articulate what I need to say to Him more clearly. This is just some of what I wrote to Him today:

Dear God,

What am I doing wrong? I feel like my life is becoming restricted in all movement. This can't be what You want because You said Your yoke is easy and Your burden is light. How do I manage to get bogged down so easily? What is going on in my head? Why do I keep trying to live a certain set of rules or expectations? I want to be holy and do all things to please You, but I shouldn't be getting all tangled up in things and stumbling, should I? With You there is freedom, not bondage. Help me Jesus! I need You! Change my mind and free me from these thoughts of doing everything a certain way. Your yoke is easy and Your burden is light. Help me remember You all the time. I just want to do the right thing. I love You so much Jesus! Please help me see Your freedom.

I realized tonight that He spoke to me in my prayer as I was writing to Him because I remembered His yoke is easy and His burden is light. I need to rest in Him. There is rest in Jesus. Praise God for Jesus!

022908 again

2008-02-29T13:08:00.000-05:00

Thank you to all who responded to my question! God is so good in answering my prayers quickly, I am always amazed. I've basically heard from 3 different people and I was even thinking this myself, that this is God's plan and He is in control and maybe He has someone for me there who needs to hear His good news. I think it took me off guard because I don't feel right just going places anymore for the sake of fun? Not like this anyway. I mean I do have fun. I know the confusion and fear I had yesterday are not from the Lord. I also know the enemy likes to thwart the Lord's plans whenever he can. But I'm not falling for his lies. I know if God wants me in the Bahamas, He will make the way straight and there is nothing that old devil can do to stop me from following the Lord's will!

This trip is also the kick in the pants I needed to finally get a passport. I have never had one and I know I need one because I know I am meant to travel the world on missions trips. So the Bahamas will be my first official missions trip abroad. :) Now I am praying for God to reveal to me what exactly I should do for Him on this very very short trip. I am going to research Grand Bahama and see if there is any ministry there I can visit and offer my time. But even if I can't find any ministry, I can create my own by sharing the Gospel on the street or with the folks who are going on the trip or anybody really! Whatever happens, I know God has a plan for every single day and I just have to walk in His plan and see where it takes me. So, yeah, looks like I'm going to the Bahamas. :) Thanks again! I love you guys! Thanks be to God!

022908

2008-02-29T00:25:00.001-05:00

Happy leap year! Now for those of you born on 022908, what day do you celebrate your birthdays all the other years? 0228 0r 0301? I've always wondered.

I have a new dilemma. I was driving in to work today when I got a call from my recruiter, I work for a travel company for nurses. She cryptically asked me if I have a passport. I don't. Then she tells me I need to get one because I am going to the Bahamas from 053008 to 060108. I was like... okay? I'm sure she was taken aback by my reaction because I wasn't all that excited. I was mostly confused? I felt like I was thrown a curve ball. Now back in the day, before Christ, I would have probably been thrilled and screaming and shouting and... jumping for joy :) So why is being told I am being given an all expense paid trip to the Bahamas for being a loyal employee making me feel so weird? That is the million dollar question. I mean really, why do I feel so weird about this? Any thoughts? This is really bugging me. Could it be because I don't just jump right into stuff anymore without checking with the Lord? I find myself wondering if this is a gift from Him or if it is something sinister from the enemy. Why would I be wondering that? I don't know what I'm going to do. I would seriously like to hear your thoughts. Am I just crazy? I mean that old cliche, 'don't look a gift horse in the mouth', CAN actually be a warning, can't it? eesh... Indecision is also a decision.

022608

2008-02-26T23:42:00.001-05:00

I have a confession to make. I am not the most friendly person. In fact I can be down right unfriendly. I don't like to socialize much. I never have. I do not have the gift of hospitality. At all. I spend 8 hours at work Monday through Friday and 6 hours in ministry on Sunday. I spend more time with people now than I ever have in my whole life and it is very hard because I am not a friendly person. The hardest thing for me right now is being acutely aware of the fact I am unfriendly, knowing the Lord wants me to be the complete opposite of what I've been all my life. Everyday I tell Him I will do my best to be friendly and open and loving and compassionate all day long. And if I manage to live up to that expectation of myself 50% of the time, then I'm not doing too terrible, I guess. I pray about this frequently, but so far haven't been given any revelation on how to eradicate this unfriendliness. I just thank God everyday for new mercy because I certainly need it. I so want to be a friendly person 100% of the time. I don't want to complain about anything ever again. I don't ever want to gossip again. I don't ever want people to look at me and see 'that face' without some obvious reason again. There is no reasonable explanation to me for my unfriendly attitude. No excuse. I just keep hoping if I keep seeking the Lord and His direction that one day, somewhere down the road, I'll wake up and realize I am no longer that unfriendly person. I know He can change my heart utterly and completely. I know it as surely as I know the sun will rise tomorrow. I just wish He'd do it in my timing instead of His. I am impatient too. Thank God His mercy is new every morning.

022308

2008-02-23T23:16:00.000-05:00

It seems to me I get tired frequently. It's mostly a mental tiredness and I confess to looking back with longing to the days of being able to just do nothing. I was feeling quite tired and discouraged a little while ago and so I turned to the Word for refreshing and renewed strength. I am reading from Charles Stanley's Life Principals Daily Bible and I'm up to Matthew 27, when Jesus is crucified and cries out, "My God, My God why have You forsaken Me?" This occurs in the ninth hour. In the sidebar, he explains that in the ninth hour was when all the passover lambs were being sacrificed! In that one moment Jesus became our passover! In that one moment He fully felt what it is like for us to be separated from God and it was more painful to Him than all the torture He had endured up until that moment. Learning every detail of my Savior's life is so important to me because I want to know Him as surely as if He is standing right next to me in the flesh. Every time I learn something new about Him, my strength is renewed and His voice becomes clearer. To know He persevered through all the pain and sorrow leaves me feeling like a heal for complaining about being tired and crying in repentance and thanking Him for His unfailing love and mercy. Now if I could just keep this in my head somehow so I would never complain about being tired again...

Dear sweet Heavenly Father,

You are good all the time to pour Your love and mercy on me. Who am I? Please help me remember the sacrifice You made for me on that day long ago. Thank You for loving me anyway. Thank You for filling me with Your unending strength. Thank You for being my passover! I love You! I love You! I love You!

022108 again

2008-02-21T23:25:00.002-05:00

022108

2008-02-21T11:04:00.001-05:00

This is from one of the forums I frequent on the web:

Him -

I have an interesting question that a friend of mine posed at his University's Interfaith Society. To put it in context there are quite a few Muslims, Christians and Jews there but he is the only Buddhist that is a member. At one of the meetings he got into quite a heated debate with a fundamentalist Christian.

The debate eventually got onto Sodom and Gomorrah and how God was righteous to destroy them for their sins. Essentially, if God hates sin and was so vengeful and wrathful in the Old Testament, why is he so tolerant of the sins that people commit today?

The thrust of his arguement was what happened in Sodom and Gomorrah that was so bad that does not happen in London every night of the week? People then had free will to sin just as they do now, so what's changed?

I'm sure the righteous went to heaven and the sinners went to hell before Christ, just as they do now but why does God not just smite us all for our sins?

Maybe I'm just not seeing what is so special about Christ that was different before. If people could live good lives and go to heaven before he was born, why is that not the case today?

Me -

God is not tolerant of sins people commit today. Every life ends in death and then every person goes to judgement. If you do not have Jesus Christ as your Savior when you go to judgement, you will be judged for all those sins you thought God was tolerating and you will be found guilty. The sentence for a guilty verdict is hell. Those who have Jesus Christ as Savior are also found guilty for their sins, however, Jesus Christ steps in and takes the punishment on Himself for them because they have believed by faith that He does and because of this, they get heaven through Him. He is the way. God doesn’t strike us all dead at once because He wants us to be saved by giving us the chance to hear the good news of His Son and accepting the free gift of salvation. He wants you to go to heaven and He waits patiently for you to understand that. As for people living good lives and going to heaven before Christ, God chose those people whom He accounted righteous and out of millions of people, their number is extremely small. They didn’t earn their way to heaven.

I may have this last part wrong about God choosing the old testament saints. If I do, would you the readers be so kind as to help me explain this better in the future? Thanks!

021908

2008-02-19T22:47:00.001-05:00

02/18/08
In What Way?
Jill Carattini

Comedian W.C. Fields was reading the Bible one afternoon when a friend
asked him what he was doing. The actor responded wryly, “Looking for
loopholes.”

Somewhere within the intended humor of this statement probably lies a
revealing glimpse of our often-ironic approach to God. That is, if God is
real, there is something irrational about thinking in terms of an entity
that can be manipulated; if there is such a thing as truth, there is
something ridiculous about defining it to suit ourselves. But we do this
regularly.

Author A.J. Jacobs always assumed that “religion would just wither away
and we’d live in a neo-Enlightenment world.”(1) When this did not happen,
he figured he should examine whether he was missing something essential to
being a human or whether half the world was simply deluded by the
existence of God. So he decided to follow literally every command in the
Bible for a year--including not trimming his beard and making tassels on
the corners of his garments. In his book A Year of Living Biblically
he describes his experiment, which he admits held a bit of
irreverence. In the end he draws the conclusion, “I now believe that
whether or not there’s a God, there is such a thing as sacredness.”(2)

Many, including Jacobs, point out the irony of his experiment--namely,
deciding to follow the Bible literally is hardly the same thing as
deciding to follow God. Yet the popular approach to theological inquiry
is not much different and is often equally suited to our own interests,
the difference perhaps being that we rarely point out our own incongruous
thinking. Truth is comfortably understood in terms of preference, and God
is readily comprehended as one who must prepare a defense for our own
thunderous line of questioning, even as we question this God’s very
existence. Somehow we have arrived at a state of mind where we can live
in anger with God for existing, where we can each choose our own brand of
reasoning and be frustrated with life for being unreasonable--and see none
of the contradictions in our words. Or else we simply choose to overlook
them.

The prophet Malachi screamed of crisis during a time when people were
asleep to their own incongruous thoughts. Malachi’s message came at the
end of a thousand year period of God’s revelation to the people of Israel.
The next voice to be heard centuries later was that of John the Baptist
preparing the way for the Messiah. Yet historically, the people of
Malachi’s day were standing in a period of almost eerie stillness. There
was no looming threat to be addressed, no extraordinary prospering to be
consumed by, no real reason to be moved by much of anything. Whether for
lack of excitement or for excess of ease, the hearts of the people had
grown cold and weary. Their worship was tired. Their complaints had no
end. It was Malachi who pointedly voiced the irrationality of their
half-hearted approach to God, the sheer irony of finding the almighty God
wearisome.

Through Malachi, we hear a series of distinctive questions and answers in
a dialogical fashion, and we get an eye-opening glimpse of the
often-cynical, often-illogical cries of humanity in light of the cries of
God’s heart to us. The opening lines of the closing book read powerfully, "I have loved you,
says the Lord. Yet you say, ‘In what way have you loved us?’... A son
honors his father, and a servant his master. But if I am a father, where
is the honor due me? If I am a master, where is the respect due me?"
(Malachi 1:2,6). The inquiry is direct and personal, referencing a great
story of pursuit and belonging. If I am Father, why am I the one being
questioned? While you have grown cold and weary, I have loved you. Yet
you ask, “In what way?”

In these words, in the midst of whatever inconsistency we may or may not
see, I believe God still beckons. This declaration of love, which could
easily be spoken in anger, voiced as one taking back the words and years
of care, is not at all spoken in terms of retreat. On the contrary,
spoken in perfect tense, the phrase “I have loved you” signals past
actions, but present implications. The immense history of God’s pursuit
and care is indeed called to mind, but the sentiment remains unscathed,
present and active. It is as if God is saying, though you know not what
you do, I have loved you. Indeed, similar words would be spoken again
centuries later. “And when they came to the place called the Skull, there
they crucified him, along with the criminals--one on his right, the other
on his left. But Jesus said, ‘Father, forgive them, for they do not know
what they are doing’” (Luke 23:33-34).

Perhaps God is dissatisfied by empty worship, not out of greed or
arrogance, but because God’s love is so far from empty itself. Perhaps
God is grieved by barren, distant images of abstract religion, not out of
legalism or fastidiousness, but because God lives so much nearer than we
know. And perhaps God is frustrated with indifferent inquiries as to
divine love and character simply because the statement is true: “‘I have
loved you,’ says the Lord.”

How do we respond to this love? For one, there is really no need for
loopholes. And if we will remember the immense demonstration of this love
in history, there is also no reason to ask “in what way?”

Jill Carattini is senior associate writer at Ravi Zacharias
International Ministries in Atlanta, Georgia.

021808

2008-02-18T22:57:00.001-05:00

Thank you all for your support and prayers! I'm pretty confident the Lord spoke to me this morning and confirmed what I should do regarding my situation. I'm sorry I can't elaborate on the details, but people have a way of finding things out through the internet and I need to keep this one close to my heart. Just know that I'm fine. I'm not in any danger emotionally or physically. When I asked the Lord what I should do, if I was doing the right thing, I remembered these things - for the battle is the LORD’s 1 Samuel 17:47 and For the LORD will go before you, And the God of Israel will be your rear guard. Isaiah 52:12. I praise God for His faithfulness and His unfailing Love. I praise Him for His strength. I thank Him for saving me! Hallelujah!

021708

2008-02-17T00:47:00.000-05:00

Pray for me please! I'm facing some really serious warfare right now. I'm in the middle of a huge storm and I'm begging the Lord to help me and save me before something seriously bad takes place. I know I usually am able to bare my soul to you, but this is so bad I can't. Please pray for the Lord to lead me in His will to the appropriate solution. Pray for Him to answer my cry quickly. Pray for me to have discernment and wisdom in this matter. Pray for me to have the strength to wait for the Lord before I act. Pray for me to wait on the Lord instead of trying to fix this myself. Pray for me to be forgiving and loving.

Dear sweet Jesus,

Help! I need You! Please, I beg You to have mercy on me, a sinner, and rescue me from this snare. Fill me with Your Holy Spirit. Give me wisdom and discernment in this matter that I may be released from this burden. I know You are the One who controls the world. I know all things work for good for those who love You. If God is for us who can be against us? I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I am putting on the full armor of God. I know You fight for those who are helpless, the orphans and the widows . I know Your love is unfailing. I know I can come boldly to Your throne through Christ Jesus. Please God, incline Your ear to me! Save me! Rescue me from this pit! Thank You! Thank You! Thank You for hearing my prayer. Thank You for answering my prayer! Thank You for all Your provision. I trust You! I KNOW YOU will prevail!!! I love YOU!!! I ask all this in Jesus' name. Amen!

021508

2008-02-15T08:53:00.000-05:00

Afterward

Writing my life story has taken a toll on my mind. I am grieving things I never grieved before and it is as if the Lord is searching every wicked corner of my heart and bringing to the surface all of the things I refused to face in the past. He is purging every last wicked deed I ever committed, opening an abscess that was never drained before, so that I might be healed. It is a very humbling experience to share these secrets with the public, to share them with myself and to share them with the Lord. I know the Lord knows these secrets already because I cannot possibly hide from Him, but to confess them to you and to myself has brought me to my knees with renewed gratitude. I can see so clearly how wicked I was as I write my life and I cry with awe and wonder and amazement and astonishment that He would forgive me and allow me to repent and be adopted into His family! Who am I that the Lord would look down on me, an evil sinner, and even acknowledge my existence?

My prayer is for my story to help you in some small way, to show you how merciful our God is, to help you realize you too can be saved by God’s grace. If you seek Him, you will find Him!

Psalm 14:2
The LORD looks down from heaven on the children of man,to see if there are any who understand, who seek after God.

Psalm 70:4
May all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you!May those who love your salvation say evermore, "God is great!"

Psalm 105:4
Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!

Isaiah 55:6
"Seek the LORD while he may be found;call upon him while he is near;

2 Chronicles 7:14
if my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and heal their land.

021408

2008-02-14T00:48:00.000-05:00

Chapter Twenty-Two
Then and Now

The Bible says I was chosen by God through Jesus Christ before the foundation of the world. This has led me to the realization that every single thing that occurred in my life was meant to be. This is my story. God has written my life.

I have been a Christian for just over two years now. As I look back at my life today, I can see where God was completely in control and involved all along.

Up until the time my dad got sick, I had no idea what I wanted to be when I grew up. I toyed with the idea of being a music teacher, but my dad didn’t think it was a very practical thing to be. I spent one summer volunteering at the hospital, but I didn’t like the hospital at all. But when my dad got sick, I saw what nurses really did and I thought, “I could do this.” It was as if a light bulb turned on in my brain. I see no other explanation for that except God turned that light on.

When Robert was born, he was exactly what I had prayed for, a boy with blond hair and blue eyes I could name after my father. I kidded myself into thinking I was praying to my dad, but I know it was really God answering my prayer.

When I was sleeping around, I had a couple of pregnancy scares and promised God, who I had told to leave me alone, I would stop being so reckless if He would get me out of those jams. The third time I made that promise, I knew He wasn’t going to let me off the hook again. I knew He let me face those consequences. With each and every moment in my life God showed up and I refused to see Him, my heart got harder and harder, like pharaoh in the book of Exodus.

He showed up at my job in a huge, almighty way when He raised the woman from the dead. That was the event that really made me believe He was real, but I still wanted to do life my way.

Even all the tattoos I got over the years make me realize how God directed my steps. He knew I was going to be tattooed. He has turned those tattoos for His purpose and His plan. People talk to me because I am tattooed and I share the Gospel with those people. He uses every circumstance in my life for His pleasure and purpose.

As the years went by, I remember becoming more aware of needing God, but not being able to figure out how to get to Him. I really knew there was a hell and I also knew I was destined to go there. I used to joke around that maybe folks could go to heaven on special occasions, but I had this deep lingering fear inside because I knew it wasn’t a joke.

I find myself wondering now if I spent 26 years in the wilderness, like the Israelites, because I told God to go away and leave me alone. He does give us what we ask for. It is also what finally brought me to my knees and to repentance.

When I hear the parable of the prodigal son, I am brought to tears because I was that person. I still marvel at the fact God took me back after all the terrible things I did. He took me back. I will never be able to repay Him for saving me. Thank God salvation is a free gift that we cannot earn.

So now after two years, things are looking pretty great. I have sought forgiveness from my boys. I don’t yell and scream at them anymore. Robert is 22 and doing really well. He works as a mechanic. He’s emotionally stable for about a year now after being put on medication. He still doesn’t know the Lord, but I am confident in His time, God will save him. Galen is almost 17 and a junior in highschool. His obsessive compulsive disorder has stabilized now that He knows the Lord and prays. His relationship with the Lord makes slow steady progress.

My mother and I get along great. I look back and wonder where we would be now if my dad hadn’t died. I’m not sure we would have such a good relationship if he were still here. My sister is married and has two boys of her own. My brother is also married with two girls and a stepdaughter. None of my family is saved, but again I feel confident God will save them in His timing. I used to be afraid I would be the only one, but my friend Leah pointed out that I am just the first. I pray for my family all the time and share the Gospel with them regularly.

I forgave my ex-husband after years of anger and bitterness. He lives in Pennsylvania with his wife and Robert’s half brother. He is still an alcoholic and drug addict. I pray for his salvation, along with his family.

Galen’s father lives in California with his wife and Galen’s two half sisters. I pray for his family to be happy and healthy. I pray for Galen and his dad to have a real relationship someday.

This has been the best two years I’ve had in a very long time. I can hardly wait to see where God will lead me next. To think my life story is written and I just have to walk in that story is so thrilling and exciting. I am so happy to be alive, to know that my Savior is with me and will never leave me or forsake me. He is my Father, my King, my Savior, and my Friend. I have been given the second chance I always wanted and only God gets all the glory!

021108

2008-02-11T23:50:00.001-05:00

Chapter Twenty-One
On a Mission

When you think of the word mission, what do you think it means? Where do you think the mission field is? What does the word missionary make you think of?

I have always known what mission means. A mission is a job, an assignment, a task that is given to a person to complete. A missionary is the person given the mission, the task, the assignment, the job. The mission field is the place for the missionary to complete the mission. But to me, missions also meant going some place far away, to another country, another culture, another continent.

I have dreams of being a missionary in far away places, like Africa or Asia. I would love to go to those places and nurse the sick and share the Gospel. I have researched organizations to join. God knows my dreams and I believe one day in the future if He is willing, He will send me to those far away places to serve Him and it will be absolutely marvelous!

Matthew 28 says, 18 And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, “All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen. This is known as “The Great Commission.” This is the command Jesus gave to His disciples. This is the mission. He commanded us, me, His disciple, to go into ALL the nations. That is everywhere, all over the earth.

This command really hit home with me last year when I was invited to go on a mission trip to Chicago, Illinois. I thought, “Why Chicago? Don’t people in the United States know You already?” I was about to learn that there is more to missions than an easy definition.

One day, as I was leaving church from the east parking lot, I noticed a little sign. The sign said, “now entering into the mission field.” I was suddenly struck with a revelation. Everywhere is the mission field! Chicago is the mission field. My work place is the mission field. McDonalds is the mission field. My home is the mission field. It’s funny, I never saw that sign before I was asked to go on the mission trip. I didn’t fully comprehend “The Great Commission” before that time.

As we prepared for the trip to Chicago, we had several team meetings. We got to know each other. We learned about the importance of unity. We learned why we were going to Chicago. Our mission was to work with the poor and homeless, to share the Gospel and love of Jesus Christ. I thought, “I can do this. I have been working with the poor and homeless for months.” I thought I knew what to expect.

What I got from that trip was so much more than just serving the poor and homeless. We also spent time together. All our time was together. We stayed in the same house, shared rooms together, prayed together, studied together, and served together. I’m not a “together” kind of person. I like my solitude. I don’t mind being together for 8 hours, but after that, give me my space.

Each day started early. We’d get up and pray. Then we would head out to offer coffee and donuts to the folks on the street. We visited the Salvation Army, Jesus People USA, Pacific Garden Mission, and the Inspiration Cafe. Chicago has the largest homeless population in the United States. Time in Chicago serving the homeless and poor was like The Refuge on overdrive. It was 4 nonstop days of serving. It was intense.

I met two really awesome people on that trip. One is a Vietnam veteran and the other is a lovely Russian woman, who could be my mom. We’ve kept in touch with each other through email.

The third morning of the trip, I asked the Lord for encouragement. I opened to Ecclesiastes 11:6, Plant your seed in the morning and keep busy all afternoon, for you don’t know if profit will come from one activity or another -- or maybe both. I was so grateful for His encouragement.

On the last day of the trip, I remember thinking I didn’t know if I could do a trip like that again. It certainly was no vacation. I had to check my heart, my motivation for going. I know I can’t go on a mission in my own strength. I don’t have that much strength. God gave me the strength to walk through His mission field. It was amazing and exhausting. There is so much poverty and desolation in this world.

I learned some pretty great stuff on that trip. I learned we are fighting a war, a spiritual war. To think God has known me since before I was born, directed my steps all my life even when I didn’t know Him, blows me away to this day. He knew when I was in the Air Force 20 years ago it would prepare me to fight spiritual warfare 20 years later in Chicago.

Being around other people all the time, I learned how my brain sabotages friendship. I finally realized that being hypersensitive to criticism has kept me isolated all my life. Instead of hearing criticism for what it was, I heard, “you’re not good enough, they’ll never like you, you’re a loser.” Praise God, I finally realized it was a big lie!

The most important thing I learned on that trip was how much God wants me to love people, all people, not just the ones who are easy to love, but also the ones who are hard to love. He wants me to love the people who’ve hurt me for no reason or for reasons I don’t understand. If I say I love God then I must love people. I learned how to love people better.

That trip was one of the best experiences of my life. My prayer is to be used by the Lord wherever I go or wherever I am however He sees fit to use me. I hope that trip was just one of many more trips to come in my life. I am so grateful to the Lord He allows me to go and to serve Him.

021008

2008-02-10T07:30:00.000-05:00

from friday

02/8/08
A Worthy End
Jill Carattini

An essay from G.K. Chesterton begins, "In all the current controversies
people begin at the wrong end as readily as at the right end; never
stopping to consider which is really the end."(1) In a world impressed
with our ability to create and acquire our own high-tech carts, perhaps
putting the cart before the horse seems very natural. Even very
thoughtful people can fail to think through the point of all their
thinking. Chesterton continues, "One very common form of the blunder is
to make modern conditions an absolute end and then try to fit human
necessities to that end, as if they were only a means. Thus people say,
'Home life is not suited to the business life of today.' Which is as if
they said, 'Heads are not suited to the sort of hats now in fashion.'"(2)
His observations are akin to the experiment of Solomon. Cutting a child in
two to meet the demand of two mothers is hardly fixing what we might call
the "Child Problem."

The reverse of the end and the means is hardly a modern problem, though
some argue the trend is increasing. C.S. Lewis observed many years ago
that logic seems to be no longer valued as a subject in schools. Never
having taken logic as a school subject, or even noticed its absence, for
that matter, I might agree that the observation still rings true. But
this is perhaps all the more startling when you consider how much we
currently seem to value a constant surge of information. In the chorus of
incessant infotainment, T.S. Eliot's lament from "The Rock" seems
almost a heretical voice:

Where is the Life we have lost in living?
Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?
The cycles of Heaven in twenty centuries
Bring us farther from God and nearer to the Dust.

The inconsistency of information-addiction and logic-disinterest aside,
the silent battle within our over-stimulated ethos of options and
information seems to have become one against indifference. Weary from
pleasure and choice, apathy becomes a major obstacle. Many do not even
remotely care whether the horse or the cart comes first.

In the book recounting the lineage of Israel’s Kings, Elijah went before a
people who had grown indifferent to the differences between Baal and
Yahweh. "How long will you waver between two opinions?" Elijah asked
them. "'If the LORD is God, follow him; but if Baal is God, follow him.'
But the people said nothing" (1 Kings 18:21).

Cultural commentators note among us a similar indifference. While there
is an increasing interest in spirituality and a desire to locate deeper
meaning in life and experience, we waver between the gods and goods that
seem to answer. And though the need to pursue meaning is certainly a
cultural insight we do well to cultivate, the danger is perhaps in
allowing this desire to be the end in itself, the goal by which God or
Buddha or nature might serve as a means to fill. Like the men and women
before Elijah, our illogic is only compounded by our indifference. Should
we attempt to fulfill our spiritual voids without first asking why they are
there? Could not the desire itself exist because the God of creation, the
beginning and the end, placed it within you? If the LORD is God, why
would you not want to follow?

When Elijah asked the prophets of Baal to call him to reveal himself, the
test of truth was not avoided, but the decision was still before the
people. "Then they called on the name of Baal from morning till noon. 'O
Baal, answer us!' they shouted. But there was no response; no one
answered. No one paid attention" (1 Kings 18:26). Then in a loud voice
Elijah called out, "Answer me, O LORD, answer me, so these people will
know that you, O LORD, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back
again" (1 Kings 18:37). The fire of the LORD immediately fell upon the
altar. And when the people saw this, they fell prostrate and cried, "The
LORD--He is God! The LORD--He is God!"

In this season of Lent a similar invitation looms large before us. We are
invited both to see anew our motivations and the reasons of our own hearts.
We are invited to hear again the call of Christ to follow him to the
Cross, wherever it might lead. At the end of that road, however
tumultuous the means, we shall perhaps find that it was always Christ who
carried us. Even now, he is among us, one worthy of being our end. If
the LORD is God, why would you not want to follow?

Jill Carattini is senior associate writer at Ravi Zacharias
International Ministries in Atlanta, Georgia.

(1) G.K. Chesterton, As I was Saying (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans,
1985), 63.

(2) Ibid., 63.

020908

2008-02-09T10:35:00.000-05:00

Speaking about being spoken to, I really get tired sometimes in ministry. Sometimes I just feel like quitting. I asked God why I had to keep going to The Refuge because lately, I feel like I’m just nit needed there. I’m also caught up in thinking people are thinking bad things about me again. In my mind, I know this isn’t true. I can spot the lies I tell myself much more quickly now. However, it doesn’t stop me from getting sad or wanting to quit. I asked God what I should do. I asked Him to please speak to me. I asked Him if I could just serve Him somewhere else. I asked Him if I could just take a break because I’ve got nothing left to give. Then today, I’m reading from “The Charles Stanley Life Principles Daily Bible” and on page 100 is a little note, “What the Bible Says About Provision” - based around Matthew 15:29-38, where Jesus feeds the multitudes.

“The service you do for God may be demanding and draining. You may come to the point where the only thing that can help you is His intervention because all other resources have been used up. Good. This is the perfect opportunity for God to remind you that He fuels all the ministry that is done in His name. God knows that you have run out of resources. In fact, in Matthew 6:8, Jesus tells us, “Your Father knows the things you have need of before you ask Him.” You’ve trusted Jesus for your salvation. Can’t you also trust Him to provide for the other things you need?”

And wham! There He is speaking to me! Hallelujah! And He has refilled me with the strength I asked Him for! I love Him so much! Hallelujah!

020808

2008-02-08T16:41:00.000-05:00

Chapter Twenty

Are You Talking to Me?

I’ll never forget the first time God spoke to me. It was, of course, the day I was born again. I heard Him as clearly as if He were standing in front of me. He spoke through the pastor. I don’t think I fully realized God speaks to people until weeks later, in the Deep Faith class.

We were at the end of one of the classes, in our small group, discussing what we had learned. My friend Leah was saying something about God speaking to her. I asked, “How do you hear the voice of God?” I was totally fascinated. I wanted to hear God’s voice!

So how do I hear the voice of God? I learned there are several ways to hear Him. The most important and obvious way is through His word. The Bible is the living word of God. The Bible is what I read to learn who God is, what He requires, what He thinks. I learned about His character, His plan for redemption of men, His promises, and His commands.

I have an example of hearing God through His word. I was at work one day and I was irritated. People seemed to be obstructing me from doing my job. Very time I had to run for something, it just seemed like folks were getting in my way. They were not being helpful. They were being unfriendly. I was exasperated. I remember crying out to the Lord, asking Him to speak to me, asking Him why I had to work at this job.

I got my Bible and opened right up to Ezekiel 2 - 1 And He said to me, “Son of man, stand on your feet, and I will speak to you.” 2 Then the Spirit entered me when He spoke to me, and set me on my feet; and I heard Him who spoke to me. 3 And He said to me: “Son of man, I am sending you to the children of Israel, to a rebellious nation that has rebelled against Me; they and their fathers have transgressed against Me to this very day. 4 For they are impudent and stubborn children. I am sending you to them, and you shall say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord GOD.’ 5 As for them, whether they hear or whether they refuse—for they are a rebellious house—yet they will know that a prophet has been among them. 6 “And you, son of man, do not be afraid of them nor be afraid of their words, though briers and thorns are with you and you dwell among scorpions; do not be afraid of their words or dismayed by their looks, though they are a rebellious house. 7 You shall speak My words to them, whether they hear or whether they refuse, for they are rebellious. 8 But you, son of man, hear what I say to you. Do not be rebellious like that rebellious house; open your mouth and eat what I give you.”

And then I read Ezekiel 3 - 16 Now it came to pass at the end of seven days that the word of the LORD came to me, saying, 17 “Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the house of Israel; therefore hear a word from My mouth, and give them warning from Me: 18 When I say to the wicked, ‘You shall surely die,’ and you give him no warning, nor speak to warn the wicked from his wicked way, to save his life, that same wicked man shall die in his iniquity; but his blood I will require at your hand. 19 Yet, if you warn the wicked, and he does not turn from his wickedness, nor from his wicked way, he shall die in his iniquity; but you have delivered your soul.

When I read these verses, I heard God saying the name of my hospital in place of the name of Israel. I was awestruck. I had the answer I prayed for.

God speaks through people. This explained how I heard Him through the pastor the day I was born again. I’m fortunate to hear Him regularly through my pastor. It’s crazy how the sermon will seem to be directed just to me. There was another occasion at work. I was having a particularly hard time dealing with coworkers. I was in a terrible mood. There was no joy on my face at all. I actually have a scary face when I’m in a bad mood. The scrub person I was working with is a Christian. He came up to me and almost whispered in my ear,
“Michelle, where is your joy? You’re going to heaven.” I ran out of the room in tears. It was Gregg speaking to me, but I heard God. I was so convicted by those two sentences.

God speaks through the still small voice. It took me awhile to realize He was speaking to me in this way. The first time I realized He was speaking to me was 3 weeks after the fact. When I was undecided as to whether or not I should serve at The Refuge, I woke up that one morning thinking, “Why are you going there? Are you going there to make friends? You’re going there to serve the Lord.” I was talking to myself as if I was somebody else, a third person.

On another occasion, I woke up early on a Saturday morning and told the Lord I was willing to go wherever He wanted me to go, do whatever He wanted me to do. I got out of bed and made plans to go to a store. I wanted to buy something in particular. As I was driving to this store, I heard a car accident. I looked down the street and saw that it was a fender bender. I kept driving. Then the voice said, “You should go see if they need help.” I said, “But I want to go to this store.” He said, “Didn’t you just tell me You would go wherever I wanted you to go? Maybe they need a phone to call for help.” I said, “Oh, all right.” I turned the car around and found the accident. I asked the people if they needed help. One of them said they needed a phone to call the police!! God is so amazing and glorious!!

Most recently, I was praying about fasting. I told the Lord I didn’t understand fasting. Why should I fast? I clearly heard in my head, “Deny yourself.” I just knew it was the Lord. It was clearly a command. So I fasted. All through that day I heard Him say, “Deny yourself.” I felt very close to Him. It was a wonderful experience!

It’s such a thrill when the Lord speaks to me. My prayer is over time I will hear His voice more and more clearly. We live in such a noisy world, we must listen closely.

020708

2008-02-07T00:03:00.001-05:00

Chapter Nineteen
Gifts are not Just for Special Occasions

The year after I was saved, I got involved in a 6 month class that progressively taught Christian foundations. The topics covered were salvation, Bible overview, fellowship and communion, baptism: water and Holy Spirit, prayer and worship, trials and temptations, stewardship, Bible authenticity, gifts of the Holy Spirit, evangelism, and servanthood.

I understood water baptism, but I didn’t know about the baptism of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the third person of the Trinity. He is a person and not a thing. He is the helper Jesus promised to send to us after He ascended to heaven. Before Christ, He walked along side of me, steering me toward Christ. After Christ, He came to dwell in my heart. When I became a believer, I was baptised in the Spirit, becoming part of the body of Christ.

When I took the class about the gifts of the Holy Spirit, I was very intrigued. I was excited to learn what my gifts might be. The gifts of the Holy Spirit include apostle, prophet, evangelist, pastor, teacher, service, exhortation, giving, leadership, mercy, helps, administration, wisdom, knowledge, discernment, prophecy, tongues, interpretation, faith, healing, and miracles.

My friend, Leah, thinks I have the gift of evangelism. I'm not sure I would agree, but I do love telling people about Jesus, God, and how to be saved. I have learned over these past months that I can’t “save” anyone. It's not up to me to save people, it's up to the Lord. I am just a vessel He uses to spread the message of His love, to plant a seed in a person’s heart and to be a bright, burning light in a dark world. Salvation comes from God alone. After really understanding this concept, I didn’t feel as much pressure. I’m not certain this is a gift because I have to really work at evangelism. I evangelize because Jesus commanded us to evangelize. I love Jesus and will do anything He wants me to do. He saved my life!

I know I have the gift of mercy. God gave me that gift years ago. It explains why I’m a nurse. I see people hurting and I want to help them. I hurt for them and with them. Now that I really know the Lord, the amount of compassion I have has tripled. Before Christ, my heart became pretty hard. Life has a way of making us jaded and cynical. I would get hurt and a brick would go up. Slowly, a wall was erected around my heart. God is tearing that wall down, turning a heart of stone into a heart of flesh. I love and appreciate my job more now than ever, thanks to the Lord.

Recently, I’ve realized that He has given me the gift of giving. Before Christ, I had to keep all my money for myself. I didn’t save money, but I certainly wouldn’t share money either. I had a hard time even giving money to my boys. I always had to make sure I had the things I wanted first. Then I would get the boys things they wanted. I was extremely selfish. Now I enjoy giving to others. I know everything I have has been given to me by God. Everything belongs to Him. He gives us what we need so we can give to others what they need. Giving to people gives me joy. Helping people out with even small amounts is a wonderful thing. I am far from rich, but I do have enough to share. That old cliché, it is better to give than to receive, is true. Thanks to the Lord, I know that now.

Another gift the Lord has given me is discernment of spirits. This involves intuitively knowing if a person is who they claim to be. I meet people and almost always immediately sense if they are “real” or “not real”. When I meet someone and sense he isn’t “real”, I get this squirmy feeling. I find myself saying, “there is something wrong with that person, I don’t know what it is, I can just sense it.” There is just something about a person’s spirit I can sense. I am grateful God has given me this gift. It is a gift that helps me to be cautious. This gift also helps me to stay away from false teachers who claim to be teaching the word of God. There are those people out there who twist the word of God ever so slightly, that if I didn’t have discernment, I might be led away from Him. Discernment lets me see the most subtle, almost imperceptible changes of the word of God.

The most important thing I’ve learned about the gifts of the Holy Spirit is He gives them as He wills. He gives different gifts to different people at different times for His purpose and His glory. I don’t consider myself to have the gift of prophecy, however, I’ve said prophetic things and not even realized what I said until after the fact. That’s what is so awesome about being full of the Spirit. As a Christian, I’ve learned the gifts are things we should all desire. I always pray for the Spirit to work through Me as He sees fit. It is such a joy to be used by the Lord!

020608

2008-02-06T10:13:00.000-05:00

The Greatest of These
Margaret Manning

“When I was a child, I used to speak as a child, think as a child, reason
as a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.” So said
the apostle Paul in his exquisite exposition on love as the preeminent
Christian virtue. Oft quoted at weddings, our preeminent Western
celebration of romantic love, Paul’s poem on love transcends this lovely,
but limited understanding of this virtue. Romantic love was not in Paul’s
mind when he penned this verse. Instead, tremendous conflict in the
fledgling Corinthian church caused Paul great grief. There were
dissensions and quarrels over leadership and allegiance; there were
dissensions and quarrels over moral standards and immoral practices being
accepted by some in the church; quarrels existed over marriage and
singleness; lawsuits were being filed by believers against other
believers, and quarrels arose because of the inappropriate way some of the
Corinthians approached the Lord’s Supper.(1)

So, after reminding the Corinthians that they are one body with many
members and with many gifts, Paul tells the Corinthian church that the
height of Christian maturity and virtue is love. “If I speak with the
tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy
gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have the gift of prophecy, and know
all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove
mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing....Love never fails; but if
there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues,
they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away....but now
abide faith, hope, and love, these three; but the greatest of these is
love” (13:1-3, 8, 13).

Often, as I survey our present-day Christian landscape, I am not always
certain that love wins the day. More often than not, I encounter a war of
information, argumentation based on this book or that claim, this person’s
authority or that person’s expertise. I hear a noisy gong and a clanging
cymbal of purported knowledge and insight, but rarely do I see the gentle
preeminence of love. How are we to understand this, particularly in light
of Paul’s proclamation that without love we are nothing?

Oh, I’m well aware of the fear that begins to creep in when we talk about
love these days. Most of us feel the strong need to disassociate love
with the way we perceive it is proclaimed today--as total acceptance.
Surely, we must know that Paul is not equating love and acceptance when
he’s just spent the first half of his letter exhorting the Corinthian
church for their dissension and bad behavior.

Yet I worry that our own reticence to extend love to others without
condition belies our own forgetfulness about how God receives us. God
does not place conditions upon us to become disciples of Jesus. Paul also
wrote in his letter to the Romans, “But God demonstrates his own love
toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us”
(5:8). If God loved us while we were yet sinners, why do we find it so
hard to love others--both within the Christian community and outside of
it?

In a world that largely perceives Christians to be in-fighters,
hypocritical, argumentative, and judgmental naysayers, would it not
demonstrate maturity to reexamine our fear of what it might look like if
we tried to take Paul’s words about love to heart?

As Christians concerned about truth, we want to grow in knowledge, in
convincing speech and argumentation, in miraculous displays of faith. And
yet without love, these pursuits, Paul warns us, are meaningless. Perhaps,
if we pursued love as earnestly and zealously as we pursued the truth, we
might learn, as Paul suggests in yet another of his letters filled with
admonitions to love “that speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in
all aspects into him, who is the head, even Christ, from whom the whole
body, being fitted and held together by that which every joint supplies,
according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth
of the body for the building up of itself in love” (Ephesians 4:15-16).

Since Jesus himself placed love as the fulfillment of all the law and the
prophets--love God and love your neighbor as yourself--shouldn’t we
likewise see love as our chief responsibility and chief goal?(2)

Margaret Manning is associate writer at Ravi Zacharias International
Ministries in Atlanta, Georgia.

(1) See 1 Corinthians 1:10-14; 3:1-10; 4:14-21; 5:1-13; 6:1-11; 7; 8:1-4
as examples.
(2) Matthew 22:34-40; Mark 12:28-34.

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020508

2008-02-05T23:49:00.000-05:00

Went to work today and it was no more busy than usual. I was expecting to do a partial foot amputation when we got a call to do and emergency ruptured abdominal aortic aneurysm instead. The OR I work in is a pretty standard neighborhood, community OR. We don't actually get a lot of life threatening emergencies. This is the kind of case I used to do in the level 1 trauma center. Everyone was a little panicky. They called from the ER and we immediately started getting ready. Five minutes later, the patient was being wheeled into the OR. Thank God there were a bunch of people still at work. I believe we got the call at 5pm, the patient came into the room at 5:10pm and incision was made at 5:25pm. The patient arrived in the trendelenberg position, which is head down and feet up, because the blood pressure was low. It's not a great sign. I sighed to the Lord. When the surgeon couldn't get the cross clamp around the aorta, I had a sinking feeling things weren't going to turn out well. Anesthesia was giving blood as fast as possible, but it wasn't fast enough. I asked God to heal the patient if it was His will. I have absolutely no doubt God can heal anyone if it is His will, I've seen miraculous stuff in my business. Slowly but surely the patient died right in front of our eyes. It's sad to think when he got up today, he went about his business not realizing today would be the day he died. I pray he was ready. Pray for his children who have to make a trip here to say goodbye.

Psalm 103

15 As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
16 For the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
And its place remembers it no more.

020208

2008-02-02T23:04:00.000-05:00

Chapter Eighteen
Shouting from the Rooftop

I was so grateful to God for saving me, I couldn’t wait to tell people about it. The minute I started to tell people, the questioning began. Why Christianity? Why don’t you check out all the other options? It was very troubling to discover how many people had such a disdain for Christianity. But I learned that the Gospel is foolishness to those who don’t believe it.

I wanted so much to show people, make them understand, God is real. I read books that gave evidence for the reality of the Gospel, that answered all the questions of skeptics. I wanted to have a way to back up what I believed. I would get into debates with people about God. I would defend Him because I had this new found love for Him.

I remember one particular argument that was quite heated. God hates sin. People don’t want to talk about sin. I said I believe the Bible is the true, inerrant word of God. I was slammed for saying the Bible is true. I never said I understood why God made the laws he made. They didn’t understand believing the Bible is an all or nothing. We can’t choose the parts we like and forgo the parts we don’t like. To do that is to create a god who doesn’t exist. Even society creates laws people don’t like, nevertheless, if I break the law I don’t like, I will still face the consequences. The judge isn’t going to care that I decided to break the law because I thought it was a stupid law.

In the beginning, I should not have said anything. I wasn’t equipped to give an appropriate answer. It took me months to realize how to stop myself from defending God. He is God! He doesn’t need any of us to defend Him.

My mom came to visit me that spring after I was saved. I talked to her almost everyday about Jesus and my new faith. She listened politely. She didn’t want to go to church with me. Like me, she was still mad at God for taking my dad from her. She also stopped going to church when he died. I felt helpless in trying to convince her God is real. All I could do was pray for her. I am still praying for her to see the truth.

I couldn’t even convince my boys. I got so sad when I couldn’t convince my own family, the people I loved, God is real. Robert and I argued about Him. He didn’t want to talk about Him at all and I cried. Robert got angry because I cried. I asked him how he thought I could sit back and do nothing to convince him of the truth. Would it be loving of me to say nothing? I just wanted everybody I know to go to heaven. Jesus is the way. What was so wrong with that? He apologized for being harsh.

The first time I invited my younger son, Galen, to church he turned me down. The only time he had ever been exposed to church was when he visited his father. Galen has only visited his father 3 times in all his 16 years of life. His father only calls him twice a year. The last time he saw his father, he was around 10 years old. He flew to California to visit him for about a week. His father was allegedly “born again” for some time. Now that I was born again, I had my doubts. He certainly didn’t show the actions of a person who is born again. He talks the talk, but doesn’t walk the walk. While Galen visited, his dad dragged him to church and forced him to get baptized. Galen had no clue what any of it meant. His memory of church was bad.

The next time I asked him to go to church with me, I didn’t have anyone to go with that day and didn’t want to go alone. He agreed to go. I promised him he wouldn’t have to do anything he didn’t want to do. I told him I just wanted him to learn about God. After that first time, he came with me regularly. At every service, I would always be hopeful and pray for his salvation. I’d ask him if he was ready and he’d say no. I’d ask him why and he’d tell me he didn’t want to commit his life to the Lord just because he was afraid of going to hell, a pretty wise thing coming from a boy. I finally stopped bugging him. I learned I can’t convince anyone God is real. Only God can do that. Only God can give us the ability to see Him and believe and be saved. All I could do was keep praying for him.

Six months later we went to church as usual. I can’t remember what the pastor taught that night, but he is one of the fiery pastors. He is a young guy, full of the Holy Spirit, old school, King James Version preacher. At the end of the service, there was an alter call. I hoped and prayed like I had so many weeks before for this to be the day of salvation for Galen. As the pastor was about to stop calling people forward, Galen said he was ready! October 16, 2006 was the second happiest day of my life and all the thanks go to God! He is so good!

020108

2008-02-01T23:00:00.001-05:00

Chapter Seventeen
Learning as I Go

That first year after being saved was pretty amazing. I was freed from my slavery to alcohol and cigarettes. My depression steadily decreased. I found a new love for people I had never had before.

I want people to understand something very important. When I surrendered my life to Christ, my life didn’t change. My circumstances didn’t change. Christ changed me. Christ is still changing me.

I am still Michelle, born in 1963 to Robert and Judy. I still have a brother, Bobby, a sister, Sarah, a son, Robert, and a son, Galen. I am still a nurse. I still have the same responsibilities I had before Christ.

After I was freed from the huge addictions in my life, I was left with all the rest of myself. When God freed me from the big things, I realized He had just hit the tip of the iceberg. But in order for me to see the rest, I had to be free of the big things. The big things kept me from dealing with my life.

The lord began in me the process of sanctification. This process involves learning how to develop right thinking in our thought processes and working with the power of the Holy Spirit to develop us into the kind of people God wants us to become in Him. It involves trials and testing. It started immediately after I was saved. But it took me months to even realize what was happening. I spent 42 years thinking one way, now the Lord would change everything.

As I previously said, immediately after being saved, I stopped swearing and cheating at the movie theater. My inward character began to change and continues to change in me everyday.

I learned how judgmental I was. Before Christ I thought I was pretty nonjudgmental, a live and let live sort. To me, being judgmental meant being prejudiced, I wasn’t prejudiced. After Christ, I remember walking around the golf course by my house and sizing up every individual who came my way. I judged their appearance. My thoughts were particularly harsh towards women who had plastic surgery. Suddenly I thought, “woah, who am I to judge these people by their appearance? Look at me. I’m covered in tattoos. I don’t want anyone to judge me this way.”

I learned I was unforgiving. Before Christ I thought I was pretty forgiving. I mean, I finally forgave my ex-husband after ten years. I was working at Cedars at the time. I couldn’t understand why I was so miserable at work. I had the Lord on my side. But I would go to work and complain loudly because I didn’t like my schedule, or my assignment, or having to come in when I was on call. Complaining was bad enough, but I said mean things about the management. I slandered them whenever they weren’t looking. Until one day my words got back to them. I was called into the office and lectured about the fact they were just doing their job and I should just do mine. I didn’t have to be employed by them. Of course, they were right and I was wrong and that's when I realized I was unforgiving. I was holding some kind of grudge against them. I asked them to forgive me and work got better from that point.

I learned to stop worrying. Before Christ, I worried about everything, especially money. Would I have enough to pay rent and buy food? Would the money be deposited in my checking account? Would my paycheck be right? How would I afford all the things my boys wanted? After I surrendered to Christ, I stopped worrying about money immediately. Suddenly, it wasn’t a priority in my mind anymore. It was such an awesome change. Payday would come and I would forget to check the balance in my bank account. I assumed the money was there, afterall, in the past, it had been there 99% of the time. I became more and more amazed as time went on. Even when I had car problems and needed money to make repairs, I would pray for God to take care of it and somehow, I would have just enough money to make those repairs.

I learned from the Bible, God takes care of the birds of the air and He loves us so much more He will take care of us. I saw this every Sunday at The Refuge. Even the homeless and poor are taken care of. They have the opportunity to eat, to be clothed, to be given shelter, to be given help to find work. I realized how much God takes care of us by using us to take care of each other.

I learned to stop being afraid of people. Before Christ, I was afraid of people. I was afraid they wouldn’t like me, would make fun of me, would talk about me behind my back, would criticize me. After Christ, I learned from the Bible the only One I should really fear is the Lord. What was the worst thing a man could do to me? Kill me, but I am going to heaven! Only God has the power to determine where I will spend eternity. No man can take that away from me. This realization has really freed my mind. The last time a surgeon yelled at me, I cried for about 5 minutes, then I remembered I have nothing to fear because I have Almighty God on my side!

Just recently, I realized I have a problem submitting to authority. One would think at my age I would know better. All this learning is a process, sanctification. I learned about sanctification and that is sanctification. I am still learning many things. All this learning has been a challenge. Just when I think I am doing okay, I learn I am not okay. I take three steps forward and fall two steps behind. I’m okay with that. I have learned as long as trials and tests keep coming, the Lord hasn’t given up on me. He is helping me see the person I was and changing me into the person He wants me to be. He is undoing 42 years of misguided self-learning and giving me something so much better, His plan, His purpose. I pray this sanctification never stops.

013008

2008-01-30T12:15:00.000-05:00

When you worship, are you ushered to the throne of God? Are you brought to the foot of the cross? Can you see our Lord hanging there, eyes full of anguish? Do you cry tears of joy? Or is it just me? My brain tells me I can't possibly be the only one. But sometimes, when I'm in church, I wonder how many people just pretend.

On another note, please read this :
a prayer request from my friend Mike

012908

2008-01-29T22:35:00.001-05:00

Chapter Sixteen
A Calling

Before Christ, I had never given much thought to the plight of the homeless. I used to think they should just get help from the myriad numbers of social service programs available to them. I couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t do everything in their power to get off the streets. I had stereotypical thoughts of them being too lazy. Sometimes I would see them and have compassion for them, but other times they were invisible to me. When I was working in Philadelphia, I would see homeless men laying on the steam grates in the dead of winter and wonder why they didn’t go south. After all, they had nothing else to do. My view of their lives was so distorted.

I woke up one morning four months after I was saved. I thanked God for waking me and for saving me. I then told Him I was doing good and had nothing particular to pray for. Life was good.

I got up and got ready for work. I left the house and got into my car and proceeded to drive to work. I was listening to the Newsboys as I got off the highway. When I got to the end of the exit ramp, I noticed a homeless girl standing by the side of the road. She was holding a cup and was clearly looking for donations.

I pulled up to the stop light, pulled $3 dollars out of my pocket, and opened my window. I was listening to “In Christ Alone” on the CD player. As I reached out to hand her the money, she burst into tears. I assumed she was moved to tears by the music. Just that moment, the light turned green and I had to pull away. I had to be at work, changed into my scrubs and ready to go in 15 minutes. I still had a 10 minute drive. I felt terrible driving away from her. During the rest of my drive to work, I realized God had given me something, someone to pray for.

From that day on, I was on a mission. I wanted to know this homeless girl. I prayed for her. I prayed for us to meet again. I prayed for us to have a relationship. Each day I would drive to work and pray for her to be at the bottom of the exit ramp. I had no clue how I would help her, I just knew I wanted to. God brought her into my path for a reason. I felt called by Him to help her.

I looked for her everyday I went to work. I started seeing her about once a week. Each time I saw her I would stop to chat. I got to know her slowly but surely. She told me her name. She told me she was a Christian. She was raised in a Christian home. I felt such compassion toward her. She’s a lovely person who took a huge fall. She’s an alcoholic, convicted felon, and HIV positive. She’s also soft spoken, pretty, weathered, weary, honest, and thankful. I became her friend. I would have loved to bring her home, but I wasn’t equipped to deal with her psychosocial needs. I spoke to a pastor at my church about this situation. He offered encouragement. He said I should love her, pray for her, encourage her, and be her friend. He said we can’t fix people, but we can love them and share the Gospel.

In the way of fixing her life, I wasn’t able to do much for my friend. I did have the ability to pray for her. I offered her some things to get by. I asked her if she ever spoke to her family. She said that she did speak to them from time to time. I decided to help her reach out to her family, to go home. I prayed to convince her she was worthy of a second chance. I told her Jesus came for that very reason, to save the lives of us who are unworthy. I wanted to share the Gospel with her. As a new Christian, I know I fumbled my way through, but she never told me to stop telling her about Jesus.

I invited my friend to church many times. She always agreed to go, but when I would go to pick her up, she wouldn’t be there. I didn’t care. I always went back. I refused to give up on her.

I bought my friend a phone card and encouraged her to call her family. When I saw her again, she said they wanted her to come home! The next time I got paid, I bought her a bus ticket to go home. God is glorious and fantastic! He was giving her a chance to start over and have a life again. What better place to be but with family?

After this, I didn’t see my friend again for awhile. I think she was avoiding me because she was afraid to go home. I prayed for her safety and well being. She lived in a dangerous neighborhood.

When I finally saw my homeless friend again, we got to talk about the promised bus ticket. She was still up for going home. When I saw her again a couple of days later, I learned her things, what little she had, got torched by a guy because she wouldn't have sex with him. I asked her if she wanted to go home that weekend. She said yes, she was so ready to go. I told her I would come and get her that Sunday. She asked if she could come and stay with us until then. I had to say no because of my boys. I wanted to pick her up saturday and go to church. I hoped she would go with us and have a meal after church. I hoped to take her to the bus station afterward.

Saturday came and I went to pick her up. She came but had nothing with her. She almost went to jail the night before and she wasn't ready to go. So the day changed to Sunday.

On Sunday, I went to pick her up. She was waiting with a small bag of stuff. I brought her a bag of stuff as well, some clothing, a bible, a book of promises from God and a book of devotionals, and some toiletries. We went to the bus station in Ft Lauderdale. I bought the ticket and we had to wait 2 hours for the bus. But two hours turned into three hours because the bus was in an accident. When the bus finally arrived, the line formed and she told me she was going to go smoke a cigarette. Five minutes went by, then 10. I went outside to find her because the bus was finally loading, but she was gone. I was so sad. I waited around until the bus left, but she didn't come back. The whole time we were there, she kept telling me I didn't have to wait with her. I was so sure she was going because she used my cell phone to call home and told her family she was coming.

I ended up going to church, but the whole time I was there I was drawn back to that bus station. I went back to the bus station 2 hours later and just as I drove up I saw her! I was on the phone with my friend Leah at the time. We prayed for her to get on the bus. I didn't approach her again because I didn't want her to use me as an excuse not to go home. I sat there for awhile and watched her go in and out of the building. Finally, I left. I left her in God's hands. I did all I could for her. I just prayed He would hear my prayer for her.

The next day, I called the phone number that was in the log of my phone. I spoke to my friend’s grandmother and found out she made it home! Sadly, she didn’t stay. She stayed long enough to get some clothing and shoes, but she left to get drugs. I told her grandmother I would pray for all of them. I spoke to her uncle as well and he offered to reimburse me for the ticket. I said thank you but refused their offer.

After this, I knew God wanted me to be a part of a ministry that reaches out to the poor and homeless. My church happens to have such a ministry. Six months later, I began serving at the Refuge, a church for the homeless. In the beginning, I had some doubt about serving with them. I felt like I didn’t fit in. After two months, I woke up one Sunday morning thinking, “Who are you going there for? Are you going there for friends or are you going there to serve the Lord?” That was all I needed to hear. I’ve been serving with them ever since.

012808

2008-01-28T18:07:00.000-05:00

The craziest awesome thing just happened! I was supposed to work today, but the charge nurse called and told me I could take the day off. I was happy and thanked Jesus for some free time. I'm not one to approach people. I just can't seem to do it, so I always ask the Lord to have people approach me, sometimes people do and sometimes people don't. I asked and continued on my way.

I dropped the rental off, went to target, went to a Christian book store I wanted to check out, I have an obsession with Bibles, went to the food store, and then I went home. I got my mail, my shipment of the Gospel of John from the Pocket Testament League, and went in the house. The phone rang at around 4pm, it was a girl from work calling to find out if I was on call. I said I didn't think so and she put me on hold. Next thing you know, I'm talking to the assistant director. He wanted to know if I wanted to take call and if I was getting paid to stay home. I said sure to the first and no to the second. Then he said he wanted to talk to me, could he call me back? I asked him if I was in trouble. He said not really much. I hate that!

I hung up the phone and my heart started to race. I went into my room and got on my knees and cried out to Jesus, "Jesus I need You! I'm in trouble? what did I do? please take this fear from me! I have nothing to fear from any man. What's the worst that could happen? Please help me!" The phone rang again shortly after this. It was the assistant director calling. I was freaking out for no reason. He just didn't understand what the charge nurse was up to, wanted to know if I volunteered to take off. The charge nurse made it sound as if he gave me no choice. So that settled that.

Then he asked me if he could get personal. My stomach felt funny again as I said yes. He told me he's been reading my life story and he finds it interesting. He asked me how I got saved! He is very skeptical but he wants to know! He wants what I have! Praise God! I told him we are sinners in need of a savior and if we surrender our lives and repent of our sins and believe in our hearts that Jesus paid our penalty, we are saved! of course what I said was way more wordy. I get so tongue tied. He asked me what book of the Bible to read. I suggested the book of John. I also suggested "The case for Christ" by Lee Strobel. I told him he could come to church with me anytime. He actually does go to church, but he isn't understanding much. I finally told him to do what my friend Karla told me to do, pray to God with a sincere desire to know Him and ask Him to forgive him and take over his life. He said that's the part that scares him. I told him that was the part that scared me too, but it was silly because my life has only gotten better. I was very clear in also telling him that my circumstances didn't change, God changed me. It was the most awesome conversation! I told him if he seeks God with all his heart, mind, soul, and strength, he will find him. God answered my prayer! This guy approached me! Please pray for my friend, that he would seek the Lord until he finds Him. God is drawing Him, I believe it!

012708

2008-01-27T00:18:00.000-05:00

Chapter Fifteen
Revelations and Baptism

The first year after being born again was full of amazing and astounding changes, lessons and revelations. One of the pastors at my church says, “the Lord will take us just the way we are, but he doesn’t want us to stay that way.” This is so true. From the minute I was saved, my life began to change. Being freed from alcohol was a huge change. But there were equally important small changes as well.

In the beginning of my new life, I didn’t fully understand things like sanctification or how to hear the voice of God. I made it my mission to find out as much as I could about the Lord. I didn’t just want to believe in Him, I wanted to know Him. I devoured the Bible in 6 months. The first time I read the Bible, I was amazed to discover so many lessons I had learned in my life time from the secular world had their origins in the Bible. I wondered how many people in the world are walking around being taught Biblical lessons without even realizing what they were being taught.

When I learned about baptism and what it truly stood for, I couldn’t wait to be baptized. I had already been baptized as an infant, but learned that practice has no Biblical origin. Baptism symbolizes the death and resurrection of Christ. When we are baptized, we are being submersed into a watery grave, our old life is dying. When we come up out of the water, we are rising from the dead into a new life in Jesus Christ. Every week I anticipated the announcement of a baptism. Our church does beach baptisms. Finally after 6 months, the first baptism of the year was offered. I was baptized on May 15, 2006.

The week leading up to my baptism was amazing. I had many revelations about my life and what it means to be born again. I woke up 5 days before the baptism with the strongest sense that the time had come to quit smoking. I remember praying to God the way I had when I stopped drinking. I told Him that giving up alcohol was a walk in the park next to even thinking about not smoking anymore. I was a smoker for 28 years. I told Him I would have to rely completely on Him for deliverance from this addiction and I was determined to do it with His help. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever lived through. I had all the anxiety I experienced when I stopped drinking and more. It lasted for days. Finally, by the day of my baptism, I felt better. I had turned the corner to becoming a nonsmoker.

That same week, I realized just what Jesus Christ died for as well. He took our place for huge sins such as murder, rape and torture. He also took our place for stupid little sins like lying and cheating. Somehow, I felt more sad at thinking about Him dying for stupid little sins. Of course, God sees all sin as equally bad and in the end we all deserve the penalty, which is death. I was more grateful than ever for the atonement of Christ.

The day of the baptism came with beautiful sunny blue skies. I was so excited. I invited my friends Karla and Leah and my boys to witness the event. There were hundreds of people present that day, it was truly amazing. I got into a group to be baptized and listened as an elder spoke about the meaning of baptism and then I got in line to wait for my turn. I got into the water with 2 elders from the church and shared a brief description of my story with them and cried tears of joy and gratitude. Then I went into the water, my old life dying and came up a new person in Christ! It was an awesome day!

After the baptism I had two revelations that really had me thinking. It suddenly occurred to me that I quit smoking just 5 days before being baptized. I hadn’t thought about the timing until after I was baptized. I realized it was no coincidence. In God’s perfect timing, He gave me the strength to give up my last stronghold and allow it to be laid to rest along with my symbolic “death”. I felt stunned.

The other revelation I had is more obscure and remains open for debate in my own mind. I was thinking about baptism representing the death of my old life and the birth of my new life in Christ when suddenly I remembered that year after my dad died. I remembered that day I woke from a nap convinced I was going to die in the month of May. I wondered then as I wonder now if I was seeing something I didn’t understand then, my symbolic death through baptism. I have no idea if this is true, it’s just something I’ve thought about.

012608

2008-01-26T10:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, every devotional I read inspired me somehow. I just finished reading 1 Chronicles and 28:9-10 says,

"And you, Solomon my son, know the God of your father and serve Him with a whole heart and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches all hearts and understands every plan and thought. If you seek Him, He will be found by you, but if you forsake Him, He will cast you off forever. Be careful now for the Lord has chosen you to build a house for the sanctuary; be strong and do it."

This jumped out at me. It's such powerful exhortation. The Lord searches ALL hearts and UNDERSTANDS every plan. The Lord has chosen YOU. Be strong and do it. I serve in a ministry for the poor and homeless and sometimes I just want to quit and have free time again. But I can't. I just can't quit. I was stressed out at work last night. My head felt like it was going to explode. I went into the core to get some supplies and I just cried out, "Jesus help me!" He did. The explosive feeling in my head melted away. How can I quit serving the Lord, when He has never quit serving me?

Then I read this from Robert Tamasy: "Nowhere in the Bible are we commanded to bring non-Christians into the church to get saved. The misconception is that the pagan is supposed to come and hear; the Biblical mandate for the believer is to go and tell. If we are to be salt and light in our world, we need to go where the lost are." Confirmation.

Oswald Chambers: ""Consider the lillies of the field..." They grow where they are planted. Many of us refuse to grow where God plants us. Therefore we don't take root anywhere. Jesus said if we would obey the life of God within us, He would look after all other things. How much time have we wasted asking God senseless questions while we should be absolutely free to concentrate on our service to Him? Confirmation.

If I am obedient to my Lord, He will take care of me. I know this. But when I start to forget, He reminds me. I hear Him through His word and through others who hear Him too. I also sense His presence when I'm weary, like I did in the core last night. He is always there! Thank You Jesus for Your unfailing love!

012408

2008-01-24T10:08:00.000-05:00

Chapter Fourteen
Radical Change

From the minute I surrendered my life to Christ, I was radically different. I felt different. I went to work the following Monday, full of joy. As I went about getting supplies in the sterile core, I banged my knee on a door. Before Christ I would have been swearing up and down, but on this day, the words got stuck in my throat! It was as if a literal hand was inside my throat, grabbing the words and holding them back! I remember walking around in complete amazement. I remember thinking how crazy this event felt.

The following week, my younger son and I went to see a movie. This theater allows customers to purchase tickets from an automatic window, like and ATM. Before Christ I would cheat and buy the child’s ticket for my son even though he was old enough to be considered and adult. On this day, I felt compelled to do the right thing and pay the adult fee for his ticket. I marveled at this new found inability to do the wrong thing.

Suddenly, I was becoming a new person. I couldn’t get enough of Jesus or church. In earlier years, I had wanted to read the Bible, but would get just a little way into the story and lose interest. I had only ever managed to read Genesis, half of Exodus, the four Gospels and bits of Revelation. I enjoyed the Gospels, especially Luke, but Revelation was too scary for me to contemplate. I remember reading about the 144,000 chosen people and thinking I was doomed because there was no way I was one of those chosen people.

I became alive like I had never been before in all my life. Three weeks after I was saved, I was coming to the end of another bottle of rum and I had the strongest desire to stop drinking. I started to feel anxious like I had so many times before and I prayed for God to give me the strength to drive past the liquor store. I told Him there was no way I could stop by myself. I asked Him to give me the strength to get through just one night and I knew I would finally be free from this addiction. I was also a smoker at the time and I asked God to allow me to keep smoking for the time being. I wasn’t ready to give up 2 big addictions all at once. I spent that night feeling anxious. I was jittery and hyperventilating. In the end, thanks to the power of the Holy Spirit in me, I was victorious! After 5 long years I was free! I can’t begin to describe how awestruck I was. The desire to drink has never returned.

When I stopped drinking, I didn’t tell my boys. I wanted them to discover for themselves my new found sobriety. They actually didn’t notice for a few weeks. It was so fun to see the look on Robert’s face when he realized I wasn’t drinking anymore. He was talking to me casually when he went into the kitchen and opened up the refrigerator door. Suddenly, he slid into the living room so quickly I was reminded of Kramer from “Seinfeld”. He had this wide eyed expression on his face and asked, “did you stop drinking?!” I smiled and said yes! He came into the living room and hugged me and told me how happy he was for me. I told him it was because of the power of the Holy Spirit in me through Jesus. He said, “I don’t really know if I believe in Jesus, but Jesus is the best thing that’s ever happened to you and I am so happy for you!”

The next big change came pretty much simultaneously. I had to read the Bible and I had to get into some kind of study that would teach me all the important things I needed to know about the Lord and about Christianity. I was like a dried up sponge, parched and ready to have my thirst quenched. I was so excited to find out the church I attend had just the class I was looking for. Deep Faith is a six month class that takes a person through an in depth study of salvation, baptism, baptism of the Holy Spirit, gifts of the Holy Spirit, an overview of the Bible, praying, evangelism and serving. I truly loved that class and all I learned. I was also driven to read the Bible. I just had to know the whole story and I read the Bible through in 6 months.

The first book I read was the book of Job. I chose this book because people were discussing it in a forum on the internet. You may be thinking this was an odd place to start, but God, who ordains everything in His sovereignty, knew this was the perfect place for me to start. I don’t remember learning about Job as a child. A quick summary of the book is Job was a man who loved God. He was very wealthy and had a big family. Satan goes to God and arrogantly professes if Job lost everything, he would curse God. God tells Satan he is wrong and allows Job to lose everything. Despite losing everything, Job goes on to mourn and grieve and ask God why, but he never curses God. In the end God restores everything to him and makes him twice as wealthy as he was before. Somehow I knew if I had known this when my dad died, maybe I wouldn’t have blamed God for his death.

012308

2008-01-23T12:13:00.000-05:00

Dear God,

I want to be a person who loves unconditionally at all times, not just when it is convenient for me. How do I accomplish this except by Your Spirit who lives in me. In my own strength, I am incapable of this kind of love. I am too selfish to even love my own children in this way, let alone strangers I have no connection with. Please fill me with Your Holy Spirit and help me to step aside so He can work through me and pour out His unconditional love to all who need it. Please help me be a person who doesn’t grieve Your Holy Spirit. Please help me be a person who doesn’t quench Your Holy Spirit. Please let me be a person who always puts You above all things. I proclaim to You today, I am Yours. Here am I, send me! Search my heart and find any sin that corrupts my soul. Bring that sin to my mind and grant to me Your repentance. I love You so much. I don’t have enough words to express my love for You. I pray for all the people I know. Forgive their sins and grant them repentance. Give to them Your salvation. Give them the peace that only comes from You and help them know You. Give them a desire to hold You above all things, to magnify You and lift You up. You are so wonderful and holy and just. Thank You for saving me. Thank You for hearing my prayers. I love You Jesus!

012108

2008-01-21T01:11:00.001-05:00

Chapter Thirteen
Come Let us Return

In the summer of 2005, after completing my second contract, I went back to work at the hospital in Miami where I had my first contract. I was living the life of a walking dead person. The only time of day I was “happy” was at the end when I was drinking. I had no friends, I was useless to my children and I just couldn’t see the point of living. Yet through it all, I put on a good game face. Isn’t it amazing how we hide behind disguises so no one could possibly see our pain?

So everyday I went through the motions. I was a bit happy at returning to a place where I knew people. The girl I was friendly with was still an employee and our relationship seemed to develop into more of a friendship than the first time I was working there. One evening when things were slow, we were having a conversation and I proceeded to open up to her about my life, my problems, my suicidal thoughts.

She asked me if I believed in God and if I was born again. I told her I did believe in God but I didn’t understand the whole born again thing. She then told me how Jesus changed her life. Her story was riveting. I wanted to be saved so badly, from life, from myself. I had no trouble believing in supernatural things and I was certain there was an evil presence in this world. But, I told her I didn’t know how I could possibly believe something I didn’t understand even if I wanted to believe it desperately. She told me I had to believe to understand. She told me to pray to God and ask Him sincerely to show me He is real. She told me that God knows our hearts and knows who is sincerely searching for Him.

I went home from work that night and prayed for the first time in a very long time. I prayed a sincere prayer to God and asked Him to let me know if He was there. Don’t get me wrong, I had prayed to Him in the past when I was in a jam and needed out of the jam, but they were always insincere prayers like, “oh, if you get me out of this God, I’ll never do it again.” I never meant to change before. So when I prayed that night, I was at the end of myself. I couldn’t take one more step in this life without serious help. And finally, I gave up. I told God, if He was there, I couldn’t live one more minute without His help. This was the beginning of an amazing process that changed everything!

I went to work the next day and told my friend I prayed. She was so excited and happy. She invited me to church and I accepted the invitation. I hadn’t been to church for more than weddings or funerals and the occasional Christmas service in years. That Saturday, I went to church with my friend with great anticipation. The service was like no other I had ever attended before and the pastor was awesome. I could feel in my heart things were different, changing. I wasn’t wishing to be dead anymore.

The following week, I had a dream I was standing on the wing of a plane. I was crying and telling God to take care of my children and then I stepped off the wing. I woke up crying and I remember feeling the way I felt 24 years earlier when I woke up feeling as if I had been kissed and somehow I knew it was God all along! I told my friend at work about the dream and she prayed for me and invited me to church again and I said yes again.

The second time I went to church with my friend, I heard God speaking to me through the pastor. It was the most amazing, crazy thing I have ever experienced in my life. I was beginning to realize I could understand things I never understood before. At the end of the service, the pastor asked people to come up to the altar to give their lives to Christ. I sat glued in my seat and my heart began to race. The things he was saying had me in tears. I wanted to be saved so badly and yet I couldn’t imagine why or how God could ever want me back. I had done so many terrible things. I was selfish and mean, a murderer and a whore, tattooed and a bad mother. I literally sat there and could see every evil thing I had done in my life. As I write this I realize my life was flashing before my eyes the way people speak about it when they are faced with death. Then the pastor said the one thing that finally had me convinced and out of my seat and going forward. He said,”I know there is probably someone in here who is wrestling with whether they should be up here. You feel stuck in your seat because there is a battle going on for your soul. Tear free from your seat and come up because Jesus wants to set you free.”

With tears running down my face, crying harder than I had cried in a long time, I went forward with my friend and surrendered my life to Jesus Christ! I became born again!

011908

2008-01-19T21:37:00.000-05:00

Chapter Twelve
Running Away

The year 2004 dawned on a much more positive note. My older son was back home, working and somewhat less defiant, starting to see the error of his ways. He was still quite angry, but the anger was slowly but surely fading as time went on.

I was feeling restless and ready for a change. I had had enough of the problems of Pennsylvania, the depression, the financial difficulties had all taken a toll on me. The first thing I did that year was to file for bankruptcy. I couldn’t see how I would ever be able to pull myself out of debt, so I gave up on debt completely. I figured I had nothing else to lose. My credit was shot anyway. Part of my financial problems stemmed from the fact that my kids have dads who don’t like to support their children and the other part was I could be a compulsive shopper. At any rate, living life by not facing life ultimately led to the bankruptcy. It was just easier to sweep all my problems under the rug and forget them.

When I initially filed, I decided to hang onto my house, but by the spring, changed my mind and even let them take my house back. I decided it was time to move south. I had always wanted to move to a climate that is warm year round. So in a totally self-centered move, I announced to my family I was moving to Florida. I asked my 13 year old son if he would be okay with that and he said he would and I invited my 18 year old son to come with us, but if he wanted to stay behind he could do that as well. Nobody thought I was serious until I made all the necessary arrangements with an agency and got my Florida nursing license. I really gave no thought to anybody else’s feelings. I was determined to “run away” and start over.

My older son ended up staying behind at first because he really didn’t want to go. He was quite mean to me and his brother for a couple of months until I pointed it out to him and then he was sorry. I told him I just wanted him to be happy.

The day finally came to head south and we started our trip on the day of my uncle’s funeral. I am ashamed to confess that even the death of a family member wasn’t going to stop me. His family claimed to understand, but I wouldn’t be surprised at all to find out they were just being unselfishly kind. I’m sure my family was kinder to me in my life than I was to them. It was Labor Day weekend and there was a hurricane in Florida.

We drove through 3 states, facing torrential downpours, I was so determined to get to my destination. It was a harrowing adventure. When we arrived, we had to stay in a hotel. The state was a little out of sorts from the storm. We were just happy to be off the road, me, my younger son, our two little dogs and a hamster.

When I went to my new job, I was taken aback and hurt by the reception I got from the woman in charge of agency nurses. She scolded me loudly for coming in to the catholic hospital with tattoos showing. It was not the reception I expected at all and made me worried about my appearance for a very long time. The OR staff couldn’t have been nicer much to my relief. There was one other incident I faced when one of the nuns told me they didn’t hire “low class” tattooed people to work for their institution. I was so hurt by these statements, I wondered what kind of huge mistake I made in coming to Florida.

In the mean time, I got my younger son into school and thankfully he made new friends right away. And after spending 2 months alone in Pennsylvania, my older son decided to come live with us, which made me quite happy. The level of stress increased with the arrival of my older son. He was getting better, but still had uncontrolled anger. Thankfully, I was finally able to convince him to seek psychiatric help and he was put on a mood stabilizer. After this, his behavior steadily improved and he became easier and easier to live with.

But the happiness was always short lived. I was still getting drunk everyday and I had completely given up on medication because it just didn’t seem to work and I couldn’t see wasting the money on doctor visits and endless prescriptions. I was determined to just learn to live with depression. Other people learned to live with their mental illnesses, so why couldn’t I?

At this point I had no friends, although one girl I worked with was friendly and tried to make an effort by inviting me to church, but I didn’t do church. I was quite lonely and drowned myself in alcohol every night to kid myself into thinking I was happy. Here I was in Florida, new place, new chance, new life and I was just as miserable as I had ever been. I was isolated from my whole family and it was my own fault because I selfishly moved away on a whim. Thank God they loved me anyway!

After my first contract was finished I got another job. I spent six months working in Miami and the next six months working in Ft Lauderdale. Nothing changed. I basically went through the motions of life because I kept waking up. My mind was full of suicidal thoughts and it was tormenting because I knew I would never act on them. I was selfish, but not selfish enough to commit suicide. I would never have done that to my boys. I continued to quit, quit responsibility, quit taking care of myself, quit thinking about what I was doing to my family, quit life.

011708

2008-01-17T23:50:00.001-05:00

Chapter Eleven
Totally Out of Control

Life moved along in a sort of status quo for a few years. My job was okay, my kids were okay. If I had to place an order to the importance of things, I would have to confess that I was most important and my kids were next in line. I was very self-centered, always analyzing things to see how they would affect me, what I wanted, what I needed. It’s not that I didn't love my kids, it’s that I loved myself more.

I left my job at the end of 1999 and started working for an agency in Philadelphia. I met a man from the internet and he became the focus of an unhealthy, obsessive love. I kidded myself into believing he was just a friend with benefits, but I really fell in love with him. The problem was he didn’t fall in love with me. This relationship was pretty close to being the same as my marriage had been, except this man was never physically abusive. And looking back, I realize I was the one with the problem, not him.

It was around this time that my older son began to rebel in a huge way. He became more emotionally disturbed than ever before. He was willful and defiant and argumentative. He was convinced he was right and everybody else was wrong. He got into major trouble and was expelled from school after he wrote a “story” wishing his high school science teacher was dead. He ended up in juvenile detention for making a death threat. I believed this punishment was extreme but given the timing of the story somewhat understandable (it was around the time of the Columbine school shootings). I thought he would have been better helped by the mental health system.

I was so stressed out over these events I began to drink again everyday. I tried to lean on my friend for support, but he was inaccessible to me for the most part. My life slowly began to fall apart. I was missing work frequently, not paying my debts, not being responsible at all. My older son’s problems got worse by the day and he started using drugs regularly that I didn't see because I lived in denial, trying to carry on as if nothing was wrong. He would leave our house at night and wander around the city all night long and sleep all day. He was in such trouble and I had no clue what to do. He refused to be treated by a therapist, and ironically was old enough at 15 to refuse treatment!

My days of just getting drunk on the weekend escalated to getting drunk everyday at home. I went from drinking beer to drinking vodka to drinking rum. I kidded myself into thinking I was being more responsible because at least I wasn’t drinking and driving anymore. I was so lost.

When my older son was 17, he had a complete breakdown. He got into a fight with his father. They had a very tenuous relationship. My son couldn’t deal with the hypocrisy of his dad’s life. His father would say one thing but do another, tell his son not to use drugs and use them himself, pass judgment on his son’s behavior but not see the same behavior in himself. My son finally snapped and went into an uncontrollable fit of rage. He came home spouting off unintelligible ramblings of being watched by I don’t even remember who. He was paranoid and delusional and It scared me half to death and if I hadn’t acted quickly, he might have killed his father.

I found myself calling the police again, but this time I was prepared. I told them my son needed to be hospitalized and I wanted to have him committed. My son actually calmed down somewhat at the hospital and agreed to voluntary commitment. I went home totally drained, had some alcohol and went to bed. Several hours later, the hospital called to tell me my son had escaped. It seemed like this nightmare would never end.

Two days passed before my son came home, still psychotic. During those two days, I spoke to him on the phone and listened to him rant and rave about life. I thought maybe he was going to die that weekend.

When he finally came home, I didn’t want to let him in. I knew he was capable of murder at this point because he was so out of control. My younger son was with me and we were very scared. I did end up letting him into the house and as I expected, he really lost control of his behavior, but he turned his rage on himself. He stood 2 inches from me and bashed himself over the head with his skateboard. I finally managed to get the phone and as I dialed 911, he ran out of the house. I locked the doors and waited. He actually came back again, crying, begging me to let him in. All I could do was cry as the police led him away to the hospital again. This time he was involuntarily committed because he was a danger to himself and to others. This is when I learned about all the drug use. I was devastated. I blamed myself for being blind and not stopping him.

I tried to be a better mother to him after these events. He was so hard to talk to. We just seemed to fight all the time and I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to divorce myself from my own flesh and blood, but how could I? I made a promise to him when he was 4 years old, when he came back to live with me again after a year with my mom. I promised him I would never send him away again.

In the mean time, my younger son suddenly developed very intense symptoms of obsessive-compulsive disorder. It’s understandable, given the amount of stress he had to face everyday. He was just 12 years old and this served as more proof of the terrible job I had done as a mom and more reason for me to hate myself and stay drunk as much as possible. Our family hung on by just a thread.

As my older son’s 18th birthday approached, he got into trouble again, this time spitting into the face of a police officer. By the grace of God, he was sent to a 3 month forestry camp where he had to get his GED and he was challenged to change. It was the best thing that ever happened to him and was the turning point that brought him back from the brink of self-destruction. I was so relieved.

By the time of all these incidents, I realized my medication wasn’t working anymore. I went and had the medications changed and readjusted and things got better for about a minute, but I was still getting drunk everyday. Now that things were getting back to “normal”, I didn’t want to drink anymore, but I just couldn’t bring myself to stop. I was still living in denial, not paying my bills, not caring about any of my responsibilities. I pretty much gave up on life because I figured life had given up on me.

011608 - the third time

2008-01-16T22:53:00.000-05:00

Chapter Ten
Back Down the Rabbit Hole

In 1993 I had the opportunity to train to become a surgical nurse and I jumped at the chance. I had always wanted to work in surgery, but the opportunity had never presented itself before. The training was intense and very stressful given my history of fear of doing new things.

Everything went along fairly smoothly until we came to the portion dealing with heart surgery. When I learned the whole procedure and what was involved it was like being transported back in time to the day of my father’s death. I remember being in the OR and seeing my dad on the table in place of the actual patient being there. I learned that when the patient is on the bypass machine, he is only under sedation. Everybody in the room speaks very quietly so as not to disturb the patient. I was really traumatized by this. I saw my dad’s last day from the inside of the OR and it was as if he died all over again.

I also discovered the surgeon who performed his surgery was still practicing and was very upset to learn how many people thought he was a terrible surgeon. There were just too many things to deal with and I felt like I was in a tail spin of renewed grief. I found myself second guessing things, thinking if only my dad had been alive in 1993 when he got sick then maybe he could have been saved. Without God in my life, I had no one to turn to and I became depressed all over again.

I finally came to realize nothing changed. My dad died when he was meant to die and I had to remember the surgeon being kind and caring and doing all he could for my dad. It didn’t matter if he wasn’t the same anymore.

I finished the training and became a surgical nurse and worked in all areas of surgery. I was stressed out most of the time and I cried everyday for the first 5 years in the OR. The surgeons could be quite abusive and I didn’t know how to make them stop. I can’t believe I managed to stick with it, I guess my love for surgery outweighed all the stress.
After some time in surgery, I came to a point of not being able to deal with the stress. I found myself going to work and not speaking to anyone. If it weren’t for the patients I wouldn’t have spoken at all. This went on for several months and I realized I was in trouble and I went to see a physician and started taking antidepressants again. The doctors always suggest therapy as well, but I wanted no part of therapy. I couldn’t see how talking about all my problems could possibly help. Reliving every little detail of my life only led to unbearable pain and sadness and all I wanted to do was be happy. I already cried enough as it was.

After one month, the darkness lifted and things became somewhat manageable again. I found my voice again and realized I didn’t have to be abused at work. After all, I didn’t put up with abuse in my marriage.

I made a conscious decision to stay on medication for the rest of my life so I wouldn’t have to be depressed ever again. At least that is what I believed then.

I was still lonely and wanted to be loved, but was growing more and more convinced I couldn’t trust men because all they ever seemed to want from me was sex. I decided I didn’t need a man. I decided I’d rather be alone the rest of my life than risk being abused ever again.

Life continued in a sort of precarious state of instability. I was living in denial about so many things. My older son was still having emotional problems and I was still convinced he was okay. My sister told me how he threatened to slice his throat when he was around 8 years old? I have no memory of this event! Denial (self-deception) is a powerful thing. My way of dealing with life was to not deal with life.

011608 again

2008-01-16T13:09:00.000-05:00

Recently, I have been praying to be more Spirit led. I heard a sermon from James McDonald about being filled with the Holy Spirit and what that means. If I am filled with Holy Spirit, I am essentially completely controlled by Him. I become a vessel for His mind and His will and His actions. I want to be that vessel. I have wanted to be that vessel from the minute I was saved. I think I tend to over think things, making life harder than it needs to be. Overanalyzing being Spirit led, trying to force something that probably should be more natural. Somehow I came to the conclusion that I have to stop trying so hard, to let go and let God (I’m not sure if I like this statement, it seems to be so cliché). I guess I’m really coming to understand how in control God is and how not in control I am. Now I pray to be filled with the Spirit and to be able to put myself aside so He can work through me to reach those people He wants to reach. I’m really beginning to understand how I have been getting in His way, wanting to do things my way instead of submitting to His will. Funny how I have wanted nothing more than to submit to His will, but I was trying to do it in my strength. This walk with the Lord is quite challenging! Anyway, this week has been so awesome! I have been able to share the Gospel more easily because I’m not trying so hard, if that makes any sense. I want my actions to reflect Jesus Christ because He is the only One who matters. Work wasn’t too busy yesterday and I thought we would enjoy a quiet night, but God had other plans and we got a case toward the end of my shift and I felt convicted to stay and do the case and let the call person stay at home. I have been praying to be more sacrificial and He answered the prayer. I am just so thankful for His part in my life! I’m starting to realize I don’t need the praise of men to be happy because when I am obedient to the voice of the Lord, He fills me with such joy it doesn’t even compare to the praise of men! Thank You Jesus!

011608

2008-01-16T01:04:00.000-05:00

Chapter Nine
Intermission

In 1990, I finally sought psychiatric help for my depression. I was prescribed elavil and one month later my life was changed. I felt alive for the first time in 10 years. I then actually spent time grieving for all the years I lost to depression.

As far as living went, nothing really changed. I had my son with me again, I was still in the military, I was still looking for love in all the wrong places. After the depression lifted, I went back to partying on the weekends, essentially becoming a functional alcoholic.

In the process of looking for love, I found myself pregnant again. But this time things were different. I was happy and ready to have another child. I wasn’t ready to marry again, however. I had way too much fear to even think about marriage. I finished my active duty service in March of 1991 and moved back to Pennsylvania with my son. We lived with my mom and I got a job in a telemetry unit at the local hospital. My younger son was born that June. It was actually one of the best years of my life. I was very happy.

After taking elavil for a year, I decided I didn’t need it anymore. It was actually interfering with feeding my son at night because it made me quite sleepy. I felt confident I would be okay and told myself I would never let myself get that depressed again because now I knew what to watch out for.

I wanted to spend my time making up for all the fun I missed out on when I was depressed. Those things included drinking, going out to bars, parties, getting tattooed, all things superficial. I pretty much gave up on men. I decided I would have to learn to love myself before I could love somebody else. I ended being celibate for 8 years. I actually focused more time on my boys than I had before. They were a handful and I was grateful to my mom for being like a second mother to them.

My older son was developing some disturbing emotional problems and I kept telling myself he was going through a phase and would out
grow these phases eventually. I think this when I started to really ignore my problems. I figured if I didn’t think about them, they would go away by themselves. I didn’t want to relive the past, I didn’t want to face problems at all because I just wanted to be happy, so I would refuse to think about anything that might make me sad.

Of course this turned into a cyclical pattern. I would ignore stuff until one day I’d look at my life and have a complete freak out, wrought full of screaming and ranting and raving and crying. Then I would calm back down again, beg my boys to forgive me and go back to life as usual. I will never fully know the damage I caused their little minds with my uncontrolled behavior. It didn’t occur to me that nothing had changed because I wasn’t where I was before so I must be better, right?

While I was working in the telemetry unit, I had an undeniable experience of the power of God. I worked the night shift, from 7 pm to 7 am, 3 nights a week. Telemetry is where a patient is admitted when they are too sick for the medical/surgical unit and not sick enough for ICU. It was around midnight and we were sitting at the desk charting when one of the patients died. We could see by the monitor her heart was stopping. She was a DNR, do not resuscitate, so we didn’t jump up to do anything to save her. The do not resuscitate order is instituted at the request of the patient. We called the medical resident to inform him of her death and he arrived some time later to examine her and pronounce her dead. After he left, the nurse responsible for this patient’s care went in to do post-mortem care while we went back to charting at the desk. She called us and there was something like fear in her voice so we went in to her. The patient who had been dead for well over 15 minutes was not dead anymore. She was breathing and her heart rate was picking up by the minute. We informed the doctor and watched as, throughout the rest of the night, she became more animated (like a zombie, it was very creepy). She ended up making a full recovery and going home! According to medical science, a person cannot go longer than 6 minutes without oxygen, after 6 minutes brain death occurs and then bodily death. I can tell you this is true for all the rest of the patients I’ve ever taken care of. After this night I had no doubt God was real, but sadly, I still lived without Him because frankly I didn’t know how to come back to Him.

011408

2008-01-14T22:39:00.000-05:00

Chapter Eight
From Bad to Worse

In the summer of 1986, I began my active duty adventure in the Air Force. I served as a nurse in Dover, Delaware. I enjoyed my military family very much. It was a great time of learning and growing although I had a lot of anxiety about new things and especially about patients dying. I think it’s ironic I ended up in a field in which one has no choice but to face death.

My marriage continued to deteriorate. The verbal abuse never seemed to stop. I purposely worked the middle shift so I wouldn’t have to see or deal with my ex-husband. I didn’t like him at all anymore and I was really quite afraid of him. My fear was not unfounded either because after more than a year of no physical abuse, I came home from work one night and he was there and I could tell something was wrong. He had this look in his eyes as if he was in some kind of trance. He hurt me that night more than he had ever hurt me before or since. We lived in base housing and I screamed but nobody heard me and then he threatened to kill me if I didn’t shut up. So I shut up. He was a different person. I didn’t even know this person at all.

The next day, he was very remorseful, something he had never been before. Unbelievably I gave him one more chance. I told him in no uncertain terms if he ever laid a hand on me again our marriage was over and he would go to jail as well. He agreed.

The mental health community talks about a cycle of abuse and ours certainly fit the pattern. Thank God for my education. We did okay for about 3 months but then I could see the signs of escalating anger and rage and having the military on my side I knew I could make him leave. I got ready for work and left a note on the TV telling him our marriage was over and to get his stuff and leave. I told him if he was there when I got home I would have the military police come and escort him off the base. So that was it. It was over. We were together for 7 years, 2 of them married.

One would imagine things being better from then on, but they weren’t. I was as lonely as ever and all I wanted was for somebody to love me. This began the period of looking for love in all the wrong places, as the song goes. I would go out to bars and hook up with different guys which led to one night stands because I equated a man wanting me with love. It helped me for a small fraction of time because it made me feel like I wasn’t a total loser. The consequence of all those one night stands was an unwanted pregnancy. I remember praying to God, who I wanted nothing to do with, bargaining with Him, promising Him if He would just get me out of these jams I wouldn’t keep doing what I was doing. He knew I wasn’t sincere. I had an abortion. I could see no other solution. I didn’t think about it or hesitate. I didn’t feel bad about my choice. I had no remorse. I just knew I couldn’t have another child. I could barely take care of the child I had, my life was such a mess.

In the meantime, my ex-husband harassed me day and night, begging me to take him back, telling me he couldn’t live without me and my son. I was living under such constant stress I was becoming more and more dysfunctional. I resented having my son because he was a tie to my ex and I was a terrible mother to him. I neglected him and didn’t love him the way I should have. I would send him out to play between the age of 2 and 2 1/2 all by himself and forget about him. I would find him way down the street playing all by himself at the playground. I know now it is only by the grace of God nothing bad ever happened to him, that He took care of him because I sure didn’t.

After my divorce was final, the harassment finally stopped. I could breathe again. Until one early summer morning when I awoke to find my ex-husband standing over me in my room. He was naked and he had the look in his eyes of a madman. I thought to myself, “I’m going to die now.” I screamed at the top of my lungs for him to get out and he just got on top of me. I kept screaming until my son woke up and started crying. When he heard my son cry, he snapped back into reality and got up and went into the bathroom. I ran out of the bedroom and out of the house to my neighbor across the street who was packing his van for a trip. My ex-husband ran away. I went back inside and gave my son a bottle to calm him down and then I went back to bed because I literally didn’t know what to do. When I woke up, I called the police and went in to file charges against my ex-husband and he was arrested later that day. That is how I got my transfer to Spain.

When we went to Spain, I really lost my mind. I couldn’t take care of myself or my son. I was afraid I would hurt him so I sent him home to live with my mom for a year. Thank God for my mom. After he was gone I was so lonely all I could do was get drunk. I got drunk every single day for 6 months. I couldn’t be happy without alcohol. I became friends with some pretty colorful characters and we did some outrageous things for fun. My friends at that point were mostly men, which is ironic considering I had a general dislike of men. Then I took care of a man who was an alcoholic. He was emaciated and had a huge liver and he was only 40 years old and it was as if someone slapped me because I stopped drinking after that and I decided to bring my son back to live with me. I realized how much I loved him and couldn’t live without him and six months later he was back with me and I was happy for a brief moment. After he was back in my life, I gave up my friends and all the partying and it wasn’t long before I fell back into depression.

Six more months passed and things were finally settled. I should have been happy. Everything was going my way for a change. But I just continued in a cycle of despair. Finally I sought help from the base psychiatrist when I went to work one day and couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t keep dumping my problems on other people. I was becoming more isolated. I was having terrible nightmares. I was losing my grip on reality. I had suicidal thoughts all the time. He put me on medication and one month later I came up from the bottom of the lake I was living in for the first time in 10 years. That medicine gave me a whole new existence.

011308

2008-01-13T20:35:00.000-05:00

Chapter Seven
Fog

The next 10 years of my life were lived mostly in the deep murky waters of depression with occasional breaks into the light on the surface. I continued in the unhealthy relationship with my ex-husband. We seemed to be at each other’s throats all the time and never really spent time apart.

I ended up going to college in my home town because the thought of leaving my family was too terrifying. I was convinced if I wasn’t in their proximity, something terrible would happen and there would be more death. During the first semester of my freshman year, my boyfriend informed me he had cheated on me with a girl who was more fun in bed. I should have ended the relationship, but I didn’t, choosing to forgive him instead, although it was something I wouldn’t let him forget. I spent one semester on campus and moved home because the stress of being even just 5 miles from my family was more than I could bear.

During my sophomore year my ex-husband joined the Air Force and left. We didn’t see each other for 18 months and in that time I felt free. It was a time of coming to the surface of the depression. I was becoming less afraid of my family dying even though I lost a cousin and my grandfather in 1981 and 1982. By this point I was completely done with death. I wanted nothing else to do with it. I know I missed some funerals after this because I couldn’t stomach the thought of even one more.

College was slightly better than high school in that I had the freedom to go or not to go and I chose not to go frequently. I ended up graduating in 1985 with a degree in nursing. Considering how messed up I was emotionally, I managed to graduate with a B average.

In the middle of college I applied for an ROTC scholarship and got accepted into the Air Force. By my junior year, my ex-husband was back and we decided to get married, despite what my gut was telling me. I didn’t want to let anyone down and in August of 1984 we got married at my college. I hadn’t set foot in church since my father died and I had no inclination to do so then. By the end of my senior year, I was pregnant with my older son. I didn’t have too many happy feelings about the pregnancy because I didn’t have too many happy feelings in general. My only hope was to have a boy I could name after my father and I thought it would be really neat if he had blond hair and blue eyes. I secretly prayed to my dad for these things. I used to think it was ironic I was given children when I didn’t care for them that much.

After I graduated from college, I moved to Dover, Delaware to live with my ex-husband. Things were okay at first, but I slowly came to the realization that he had a drinking problem and was still using drugs and we started to fight again. The abuse seemed to begin gradually. First it was verbal abuse then it became scary. We went to the base to play darts and he got drunk so I drove home. He started yelling at me to drive faster and when I wouldn’t, he leaned down and put his hand on the gas peddle. He was like a terrorist. I couldn’t believe it because he had never been like this before we were married. I was 4 months pregnant at the time and not working and felt like i had to stick by him.

Months later, when I was 8 months pregnant, we were playing cards with the neighbor and he got drunk again and when the neighbor left, he went into a rage because I wasn’t throwing cards he wanted. He proceeded to pick me up and throw me into walls and onto the floor and I ran into the back of the house to hide. He came and found me and forced himself on me and I was terrified. Then he threw me out of the house and I just sat in the car and cried and cried. I never thought about leaving. How could i leave when he had to work the next day? In the mean time, my son didn’t move for hours and I was afraid he was dead.

After my son was born, my ex-husband got out of the Air Force and we moved home and lived with my mom. We fought all the time, but thankfully the physical abuse stopped in her house. I guess he was too afraid of others finding out. I was finally able to start working and it was such a relief to be away from him.

011208

2008-01-12T21:02:00.000-05:00

Chapter Six
Life After Death doesn’t Really Matter

This is the beginning of a surreal chapter in my life. My dad was dead and there was nothing left to do but go home to a house that would never hear his laughter again. We would sit by the door and wait expectantly for him to come home and he wouldn’t. Life is very strange after you lose somebody close to you.

The first week after my dad died, my friends (whom if you remember I didn’t think I had because of the way my brain was working) were very supportive, calling me and talking to me on the phone. My cousin Cheryl (the one I used to torture when I was little) stayed over night with me to comfort me. It was one of the weeks that is seared in my memory like a waking dream. The very night my dad died, there was a “spirit” in our house. As I was talking to one of my friends on the phone, I heard the bathroom door close, my dad’s belts rattled. Of course no one was there, the cat was next to me.

My Aunt Karen spent the night in my sister’s room and was awoken to someone breathing loudly on her neck and when she reached around her back of course no one was there. I was both terrified and strangely comforted by this “presence”.

The funeral was sad. My dad had many friends who came to pay their respects. The most shocking thing to happen was when my dad’s brother Jim came. I couldn’t stop crying hysterically because he could have been his twin brother. I had only met the man and his wife one other time as an infant. Strangely his wife looked just like I had always imagined and/or remembered.

I really became a different person after my dad died. I was still sullen and moody but now I had a good reason to be those things. I slept as much as I possibly could sleep. Sleep was the only place I could pass time without too much pain.

My dad’s “spirit” continued to stay with us in the house. My Uncle Ray actually saw him walk up to the patio door one evening and look into the room. It scared him half to death because he firmly didn’t believe in ghosts. I would hear noises in the house in the middle of the night that reminded me of him walking around, checking to make sure everything was secure. My mom would wake me up saying she heard the front door close at 3 am, the time he would come in frequently when he was alive. We would leave the house for 15 minutes and come home and find things mysteriously moved around. I came home once to find nail polish poured into my pack of cigarettes and a note written on a picture my sister drew. The note said, stop doing this with an arrow pointing down to the pack of cigarettes. I could go on an on about the strange events that occurred the year after my dad died. These events were scary yet somehow comforting.

That August I was sleeping like I usually did, but when I woke up I had the strangest feeling and thought I was going to die the following spring in the month of May. This became my obsessive thought. I couldn’t get rid of it no matter what I did or how I tried not to think of it. I remember learning from one of my aunts that the Christmas before he died, my dad told my grandmother he didn’t think he would live past March, he died March 3rd. I can only imagine how he must have felt. I’m sure this was where the origin of my own thoughts of death came from. I basically went through that year in a fog. I was like an emotional robot on autopilot.

My drive to find someone to love me began in full force this year as well. I had to find someone to replace my dad. Of course I didn’t know that that is what I was doing. I just knew I was missing a huge piece in my heart and I had to fill it up with the love of someone else. In the process, I managed to lose my virginity to a stranger in the alley around the corner from my house. My mom was away and I stayed home alone so it was the perfect opportunity. It was a huge let down of course. It was gratifying only in the most base lustful way and I didn’t like the aftermath because I found out the guy was in a relationship and he not only liked girls, but also boys and it was just embarrassing and shameful. I then spent weeks waiting to see if I was pregnant and thankfully I wasn’t. I became such a fool for the sake of finding love.

Then I met my first “true love”. We were inseparable. We developed a very unhealthy relationship that led to marriage. I should clarify here that I was the one who developed this into an unhealthy relationship. I was so needy and clingy and broken and it must have sparked something in him that made him want to be some kind of hero. I just loved being with him. He was actually a pretty delinquent kid. He and his brothers were known around the neighborhood as the boys you didn’t mess with. They drank and smoked pot and were just general bad boys and I was sucked into their bad boy lifestyle, living vicariously through their bad boy adventures. I have to say though if it wasn’t for him, I don't know if I would have survived that first year. This twisted “love” gave me a reason to wake up everyday.

But even this “love” was not enough. I still had the horrible thoughts of dying and I was just terribly depressed. I had so much guilt for never resolving the fight I had with my dad. I never told him I loved him. I never said I was sorry for the things I called him. As the anniversary of his death approached I started entertaining thoughts of suicide. I figured nobody would miss me. I was back to thinking I had no friends and nobody loved me. My mom wouldn't speak to me because I was just like my father and she saw him in me and didn’t like that I was like him. I remember opening the drawer of pills in the kitchen and arguing with myself to take the pills and just be done with life. The only thing that stopped me was fear. Where would I go if I died? Remembering being taught in church of going to hell for committing suicide was what stopped me. Even my anger toward God didn’t stop Him from mercifully making me remember the consequences of sin.

I ended up confessing my suicidal thoughts to my aunt and she told my mom and I started going to therapy. The therapist told me the reason I was convinced I was going to die was because I never resolved the fight with my dad and I felt guilty and like I deserved to die. It made sense, but the thought never went away until May came and went. After May was over I felt so relieved. It was also about this time that the “spirit” left our house for good. I was sleeping away the day as usual. I don’t think I was dreaming. I woke up because I felt someone kiss me on the cheek. No one was there and I remember feeling sad because I just somehow sensed he was really gone. I used to think it was my dad reassuring me I would be okay, but I’m not so sure it wasn’t the Lord reassuring me I would be okay and He let me think it was my dad because He is just that merciful.

011108

2008-01-11T17:37:00.000-05:00

Chapter Five
Shattered

The year 1980 started off innocently enough. Things were peaceful in our house again and my dad had a new drive to spend time with us. We tried skiing that winter for the first time. I didn’t like it much because I wasn’t a fan of winter or snow. On one particular trip, my dad told me he was having chest pain and heartburn and to please not tell my mom because she nagged him too much about everything. I felt like he was using me because I was just a kid and couldn’t do anything about it. I just had this sense of impending doom.

Then in March, it finally happened that the chest pain was just too much for my dad and he was readmitted to the hospital. This was about 6 months after his heart attack. They did another cardiac catheterization and decided it was time for him to have surgery. He was scheduled for coronary artery bypass graft surgery for the following Monday morning at 7:30 am. He wasn’t allowed to come home because he was having chest pain just laying in bed and the doctors were worried.

We went to see my dad the Sunday night before his surgery and he was light hearted and joking about getting his “last supper”. I was too upset to even sit in the room with him while he made jokes. All I could do was cry. I was just terrified. The feeling of impending doom never left me. I don’t know how I lived through those days.

On the day of my dad’s surgery I begged my mom to let me stay home from school, but she wouldn’t let me. She promised to call the school as soon as his surgery was done to let me know he was okay. I went to school and I plodded along to class after class like a zombie and by the time 7th period came around at the end of the day with no news, I asked my French teacher if I could go use the phone to see if I could get any news. I ended up not being able to locate my mom or get any information about my dad because they don’t give information over the phone. When I headed back to my class, I broke down in the stairwell and cried and cried because I just knew in my gut that my dad was dead. It was the worst day of my life. I was truly a pessimist, expecting the worst.

School finally let out and I walked the mile to my house and nobody was home. I went to my mom’s friend's house and she hadn’t heard anything so I took my sister and we went home and waited. Finally my mom’s friend called and said we should go to the hospital. I asked her if the surgery was over and she said no. My dad had been in surgery for over 10 hours by this time. I asked her who called her and she said it was the hospital chaplain. My worst fears were coming to fruition.

When we got to the hospital, my entire family was there, aunts, uncles, cousins. My family is great at supporting one another, thank God. We sat there and stared at the walls and waited for what seemed like an eternity. We kept hearing reports of things not going well and what the surgeon was trying and how other surgeons had been called in to offer their opinions. Finally around 6:30 pm, it was over. They couldn’t get my dad off the bypass machine. His heart was much worse than they ever thought and he had no strength left. I sank to the floor as I listened to the surgeon explain everything to my mom as he cried himself and told her how sorry he was.

“How could this happen?”, I asked God. “How could You take my dad away from us?” My heart broke that day and out of those fractures came so much anger and pain and grief that I told God to go away and to leave me alone, that I didn’t believe in Him anymore because if He was really real, He wouldn’t allow death and suffering. My dad was 45 years old when he died on March, 3 1980. He was my hero, the one I loved best, the one I thought loved me unconditionally and he was gone forever.

011108

2008-01-11T00:15:00.000-05:00

Back in September I went on a mission trip to Chicago to minister to the poor and homeless. I met a beautiful Russian woman at one of the kitchens that offer food to the poor. She was so sweet and lovely. She wasn’t homeless but poor and in need of food so she would eat at this place on Saturdays to save a little money. I think it must take quite a bit of humility to come to a soup kitchen to get a bite to eat. We humans are so proud, not wanting to reach out for help when we need it. I was so moved by her story of coming to America for a better life and how hard she has worked to raise her children and provide for them. I prayed with her then and it brought her to tears. I gave her my number and told her if she was ever in Miami to call me. On Sunday as I was going in to work, my phone rang and it was her! I was so happy to hear from her and we made plans to visit. I went to see her today. I brought her a New Testament and a t-shirt and we had bagels and tea. I got to meet her son and even now she sticks by him. She lives with her son and is still working at 68 to help with the rent because even though he is a lawyer, the competition is quite steep and they are barely getting by. She was so sweet and kind, just the way I remembered her. She gave me some perfume that reminds me of old ladies and a beautiful picture of Jesus and praying hand knick knacks. I also now have her phone number and address and email so I will be able to keep in touch with her regularly! God is so good to bring us together again. When it was time for me to go we prayed together and hugged. I was so incredibly blessed today! Praise God!

010908

2008-01-09T13:01:00.000-05:00

Chapter Four
Enter the Darkness

Tenth grade proved to be one of the best years of my life. I made more friends than I had ever had before and was really starting to feel like I belonged. Everything was about to change dramatically for the worse.

As summer vacation wound down in 1979, at the beginning of band practice for the new school year, my father had a heart attack. He was 44 at the time. I wasn’t home when it happened. I was sleeping over at a friend’s house. My mother didn’t call me or send for me. I got up casually and when I got home she told me what had happened. I was terrified about what was going to happen next.

We went to the hospital to see my dad and to my relief, he didn’t look any different than before. He explained that during the night he couldn’t sleep because he had such burning in his chest and by the morning it was still there so he thought he should go to the hospital. I don’t remember how he got there, by ambulance or by car. I just remember crying a lot and being terrified of losing him.

My dad spent a month in the hospital. He was 2 weeks in one place and when he was about to be discharged he was still having chest pain on the stairs so they sent him to another hospital for more tests and a cardiac catheterization. I was terrified all over again because I thought he was coming home. When we went to see him at the other hospital, I could see the fear on his face and he broke down and cried. I had never seen my dad cry in all my life and it nearly brought me to hysterics. I had a very bad feeling in my gut about this whole affair. The cardiac catheterization showed that there were 3 arteries with blockages. In 1979, the treatment for heart disease was more conservative. They tried to treat things medically before opting for surgery. They put my dad on medicine and finally he was pain free and they sent him home with orders to be seen frequently for reevaluation.

After this scare, life went on, but it was not the same. Our house was very tense and nervous and filled with worry. I began to withdraw from my friends and one of my best friends suddenly wouldn’t talk to me and I was convinced I did something wrong because she wouldn’t tell me why she wouldn’t talk to me. This just reinforced my withdrawal. I figured nobody liked me so why should I like anybody at all? My old habit of putting up walls returned and I slowly walled myself off to protect my heart, which of course promoted depression.

A couple of months after the heart attack, my dad flipped out the one evening. He and my mom started arguing about nothing and he just lost his mind, screaming and ranting and raving. He tore the phone out of the wall and stormed around the house. He threw a large book at my mom and then I lost it and went after him, screaming obscenities at him in defense of my mom. He then turned around and kicked me in the stomach before storming out the front door. He then took off in his truck and slammed into the car in front of and behind him to get away. I was left feeling completely dumbstruck.

He didn’t come back for several days. It was awful. He was my hero, the one I loved best, the one who didn’t yell at me when I made mistakes. When he finally came home, he wouldn’t speak to us at all. He was completely silent. He was so different from the man I knew. I just got more angry as the days and weeks passed. How could he treat us this way? What did we do to deserve this? He wouldn’t even talk to my sister who was just 5 years old. I was so angry I couldn’t talk to anyone and I believe it was at this time I was convinced that everybody hated me so I walled myself up.

My dad’s silence lasted several weeks and then one day I went home and it was as if nothing had ever happened. He was himself again without explanation. I asked my mom what happened and she told me she apologized to him because he said we owed him an apology. I got even madder because we didn’t do anything wrong! So while he went back to normal, I continued my silent treatment toward him. I never brought it up again. Slowly as the weeks passed I started to speak to him again, but I never looked at him the same.

The days of fun and innocence were coming quickly to an end. Life was getting more complicated and dramatic by the minute.

010608

2008-01-06T23:29:00.000-05:00

Chapter Three
The Beginning of the Downfall

Growing up I was a very moody, sullen child. I’m not really sure what made me that way. I had very loving parents and a fantastic extended family. My brother was born in 1967 and my sister was born in 1974.

Growing up, I was quite mean to my brother, probably due to jealousy. After all, I was the only child for 4 years. I think i was disappointed in the fact he was younger than me as well. I wanted a big brother. When we would play together, I would be the boy and make him be the girl. I just remember wishing things were different. When my sister was born, I was 11 years old and she was like my little baby doll. We didn’t have much of a relationship in the beginning because of our age difference.

I was very sensitive when I was a girl. It didn’t take much to hurt my feelings. Every time somebody said something mean to me, a brick would go up around my heart. I was pretty reserved in relationships. I didn’t have a lot of friends, wasn’t ever popular, didn’t feel comfortable in large groups of people. I was and still am better in one on one relationships. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be popular or have lots of friends, I just couldn’t. The bricks around my heart kept me separate from people. I hated having my feelings hurt and the simplest way to avoid that was to avoid becoming friends with people.

When puberty came, things only got worse. Those were some of the hardest years of my life. I was quite sad. I didn’t like my appearance. I was too short, too fat, too angry looking (even though I wasn’t angry), too afraid. Girls in junior high threatened to beat me up for giving them dirty looks and I would walk home from school in fear almost everyday. Children are just naturally mean to each other and I didn’t find comfort from anyone, not even my parents.

These were the years when my mother’s behavior toward me really changed. Suddenly, she was convinced I was lying to her about things. If she was mad at my dad, she was mad at me and the only explanation she would give was that I was just like him. I found myself loving my dad more and my mom less. I didn’t understand anything about what made her act that way, I just felt like I was doing everything wrong and if I could just be better she would love me more.

By 9th grade I started smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol. I figured if I smoked the mean girls would leave me alone and I was right. At this point, all the things I was learning in church were going in one ear and right out the other. By 10th grade I was experimenting with drugs and boys even though boys and the whole issue of sex scared me. My relationship with my mom remained pretty tense because then I was doing stuff that was bad and I had to be sneaky and lie to her.

I actually came out of my shell the first year of high school. I was in the marching band and made some really awesome friends. It was the first time I felt like I belonged to a group. We went on a field trip to Florida for a parade and it was just a great year. However, that all came to a very screeching halt at the beginning of 11th grade.

010508

2008-01-05T08:56:00.000-05:00

Chapter Two
Church

I was raised going to church. My family went to a United Church of Christ Protestant church for the first sixteen years of my life. We went to one church for many years in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, home of the Moravian and Quaker settlers. Actually, the area of Pennsylvania I grew up in is home to the ancestors of many Germans who fled religious persecution in Europe, Moravians, Quakers, Amish, Mennonite, Anabaptist.

I liked church when I was a child. I felt the sense of fellowship. I loved Sunday school and learning about Jesus. It just felt right. It felt like a home. However, I don’t ever recall the teachers explaining what it means to be saved or the importance of salvation. The sanctuary of that old church was beautiful. I used to love to look at and study the details of the stained glass windows. I loved that when I was in there, everybody was very quiet and spoke in a whisper. There was reverence in that place. I loved the hymns we would sing and how the choir and the pastor would come into and leave the church in a great procession. I loved being a part of the choir and I even was a part of the bell choir. I don’t recall having the stage fright I developed throughout my life. I know I respected the Lord, but I never fully understood what His death on the cross meant. I got it in my head, but not in my heart.

When I was 8 years old, my family moved from Bethlehem to Allentown, Pennsylvania and after living there for 4 years, my mom decided to find us new church that was closer. I remember being quite sad when we said goodbye to our old church. I didn’t like the new church at all. It was the same denomination, had the same stained glass windows, a choir, similar style of preaching. It just never felt like home to me. I never felt the fellowship in the new church like I felt it in the old. This was my church from the age of 12 to 16. I took the catechism at that church and got confirmed at that church. I do remember not liking the classes, but feeling very satisfied in being confirmed. I felt like I crossed over into something important, but again, not really comprehending what. It was also during these years I saw “Godspell” and I fell in love with Jesus for the first time. However, I don’t think it was the right kind of love. I believe it was eros and not agape. He seemed like such a hero to me. That a man would take on the sins of the world and be sacrificed. I still didn’t really get it.

I was a girl scout when I was a kid and the troop which I belonged to was based out of a Catholic church. We attended mass on special occasions and I was more struck with their service than my church. It seemed much more holy and reverent. I liked the little thing they kneeled on for prayer and I enjoyed all the prayers they prayed throughout the service. I always felt like I was on a cool field trip when we would go to mass.

I guess the thing that impressed me the most about church growing up is, it was like a religious club, where you got together with other families and did stuff together, like a social club. For example, my dad was raised Catholic, but gave up church, but he liked coming to church for fun social activities, not church itself. I can only think of one family in all the years of growing up who talked about Jesus all the time, just one family. That stays with me. How could it be out of all those people I can only remember one family? Were there not others?

010408

2008-01-04T12:39:00.000-05:00

Forward

I am going to attempt to tell you the story of my life. I can’t imagine how long this might take. I am currently 44 years old so this could take awhile. I hope my story will somehow help the reader to see how great our God is and how He can pull anybody out of the mire of her life and redeem the time that was lost.

Chapter One
Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time there was a girl named Michelle. She was born in 1963 in Pennsylvania to Robert and Judy. They loved her vary much.This is the story of my life. I am Michelle. I was born in 1963 when the United States was still a peaceful place, when we were safely between wars, before the sexual revolution, just before JFK was assassinated.My family was very close knit when I was a little girl. My grandparents had 6 children, 5 girls and 1 boy. My mother has 4 sisters and 1 brother and these sisters did everything together. My uncle is just 6 years older than me so he was more like a son to his sisters than a brother and because he was the only boy, very doted upon. I remember having great family get togethers, picnics, parties, vacations at the shore, playing in creeks, baby showers, birthdays, holidays. I felt like we had the best family in the whole wide world. My father had an equally awesome family, although his mother and father died when he was a boy. My dad had 2 brothers and 1 sister and from my tiny perspective they had a perfect family too. I remember friday nights going to visit Uncle Mike and my 3 cousins or going bowling with my mom and hiding under tables and running around the wide big bowling alley world. Those were the days of not knowing what it was to be hurt or let down or disappointed. The days when if my mom and dad had a fight and my mom walked out the door, my dad could fix it by giving me a cup of soda, a special treat, and tell me not to worry, everything will be all right. The days when I would surround myself with all my stuffed animals for comfort, go outside in the winter and watch my dad and his friends build a giant snow man over 7 feet tall, run around the labyrinth of a basement in the apartment complex where we lived, going outside in the summer time and the sun would stay up for what felt like forever. Those were the days.

When I was growing up, my mom took us to church almost every Sunday. We would go to Sunday school and then sometimes we would get to play in the nursery while she went to grown up church. I remember really liking church when I was little. The pastor was a wonderful, loving man who loved all the children. I even remember liking grown up church a little, although it took far too long for me. Time as a child just seems to go much more slowly than it does now.

I know I learned about Jesus when I was little, but I don’t have much memory of what I learned. My most vivid memories are based around my family. I remember family vacations and picnics and parties. I remember lots of road trips on the weekend when my dad would say, “who wants to go for a ride?” I remember hiking on the Appalachian trail. I remember my first ride on an airplane.

I also remember being a mean spirited girl. I was jealous of my brother, Bobby when I was little and remember telling him how much I didn’t love him to make him cry and then I would comfort him and tell him I didn’t mean what I said. I could cry as I write this. What makes a child mean? I remember locking my cousin Cheryl in the bathroom and not letting her out until she was crying. I liked to make children cry. I was very little, between 4 and 8 years old when I did these things.

These were the foundation years of my life. I was loved and had an awesome family. I don’t think there was anything out of the ordinary in my early childhood. I was disciplined, not ever abused. Looking back, I would say the only thing I lacked was my parents verbally telling me they loved me. I don’t know if I will ever be able to understand what made me so sullen and moody and pouty. But I do know. We are born in sin. Nobody ever has to teach a child how to be mean, she is just naturally mean.

010208

2008-01-02T21:03:00.000-05:00

We're having a cold snap here in Miami. The temperature is supposed to dip into the 30s tonight! I'm very excited about it. I think I have been away from Pennsylvania sufficiently long enough now because I look forward to cold weather. I'm actually praying for snow ;) (a girl can dream).

So it was new year's eve when I heard about the impending cold snap and when I woke up on new year's day, I had such a compelling need to find my homeless friend Paula to give her some warm clothing. I got a devotional in email a couple of weeks ag0 that spoke about how much stuff we try to do that we never get anything done and suggested asking God what is the most important thing I can do for you today? I knew finding Paula was the most important thing to do for God yesterday. Thanks to living in the greediest country on the planet, I knew the stores would be open and was able to buy some warm clothing for my friend. I set off to find her and thanks to God, she was out where I usually see her, despite rainy weather. We chatted for half an hour about how she is and the cold front and whether she had any place to stay (I'd lover her to stay with me, but I live 10 miles south and don't have access to a car all the time and she works at the gas station) and she said she had a couple of possibilities. I asked her if we could pray and she said yes and were we going to say the "hail Mary"? And I said no, I'm not catholic. She said, what are we going to pray then? I said I was just going to say a prayer. After I was done praying, she said, that was really nice. :) We said goodbye to each other and I headed home, mission accomplished for another day.

Dear God,

Thank You for all that I have. I would have nothing if You hadn't given it to me. Thank You for all my wonderful friends. I pray You keep them warm this night by the Spirit who lives in us, that Your Spirit's fire burns brightly in each of our hearts, warming us from the inside. You are the maker of heaven and earth and You watch over the birds of the air and the beasts of the field, how much more You love us. And who are we that You would look down from heaven and regard us at all? I love You Lord and trust You will stay with us always and provide for us despite our failures. Thank You for loving me! thank You for Your beautiful Son! Amen

123107

2007-12-31T23:41:00.000-05:00

For this new year, The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up His countenance upon you and give you peace. Numbers 6:24-26

I pray for all of us to have a wonderful 2008 and to Remember Jesus Christ, risen from the dead, the offspring of David 2 Timothy 2:8. Let's lift Him up and proclaim Him to all the world!